Upside Down(40)

“Was it an issue for them?” I asked. “In the end?”

“Yes. And I’ve even tried to oblige, to make my boyfriend happy. It’s quite common for asexual people to engage in sexual activity to make a partner happy or to help fulfil their partner’s needs.”

I swallowed hard. “Boyfriend? You said boyfriend, as in current…”

“Ex, sorry. I should have said ex. It’s well and truly over.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said quietly but so very relieved.

“It was my choice. But he wasn’t exactly upset by the news. He went out the very night after I’d left and slept with three guys, so…”

“Ouch.”

He sighed again, adding a shrug. “He knew from the beginning about my being asexual. I was upfront, as I’d always been for years. And he said he was okay with it, but…”

“But in the end, they think you’ll change or give in or have sex whether you really want to or not. Like you said, to fulfil their partner’s needs.” I frowned as I looked out over the park.

“Is that what you did?” he asked gently.

I nodded.

“It’s okay,” he replied. “I’ve done it too. I thought it would help, and I thought it would make them happy.”

I looked at him then, and his eyes searched mine. “But it made you feel like you’d whored yourself out? Like a transaction where sex was the currency but all you got from the deal was a sick feeling in your gut because you’d just sold yourself for sex.”

He quickly reached and took my hand. “Their happiness shouldn’t come at the expense of your own.”

“I left him,” I said. “After that night. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. That was like, ten months ago. We’d only really been together a month or two, and I’d told him I didn’t really want sex and he thought it was weird but he said he was okay with it. And every time I’d hold his hand or hug him, he thought it was foreplay. He couldn’t understand it wasn’t anything more than just hand holding or hugging. It wasn’t a precursor to wanting more. And it messed with my head because I liked him. Well, I thought I did. He was smart and funny, but then I was scared to initiate any kind of contact. I wouldn’t hold his hand or touch him, even if I wanted to, because then he’d think it was foreplay. I lived with that kind of anxiety in my gut for weeks, just being around him, because he’d always ask if I’d changed my mind and I tried to tell him it wasn’t like that.”

He squeezed my hand. “It’s not like that.”

“But then he asked if I wanted to make him feel good. He said if I really liked him I’d want him to be happy, and I fucking believed that shit.” I shook my head. “I know better. I really do. But I was so caught up in him and he did things with me that he didn’t actually enjoy, like watching The Great British Bake Off, or going to local author readings, so surely I could do something for him, right?”

“Oh, Jordan…”

I nodded sadly. “I felt so dirty,” I whispered. “But it was consensual. I did agree to it, but the whole thing was awful. I left him after that.”

“I’m glad you did.”

I gave him a weary smile. “I know, right? I mean, I should have known he wasn’t the one for me. Because seriously, who doesn’t like The Great British Bake Off?”

Hennessy chuckled. “Only monsters and heathens.”

“Exactly. Monsters and heathens.” I studied the coffee cup in my hand for a bit. “Anyway, I told Merry, of course, and I’d talked to her before about not being too interested in physical stuff, but always in a kind of joking way. Like, ‘Ugh men, they can never get enough,’ and we’d laugh it off, and I’d always just said they’d wanted more than I did, which wasn’t an untruth. But it all came out after I left Anthony—that was his name. And I admitted to her I’d never been too interested in anything sexual, ever, and I was expecting her to say something smart or funny. But she didn’t. She said asexuality wasn’t anything to be ashamed about, and I was like what? And we talked about it off and on, for a while, she was always asking me if I’d read up on it, but I hadn’t. I didn’t want another label to wear, ya know? Then a few months later she saw a flyer in the community centre next door about a meeting for asexuals, and she thought I should go.” I laughed quietly. “Would you believe I’d never heard of it? Well, I’d heard about asexuals and aromantics, but I’d never read the fine print, ya know?”

He nodded, because, yes. He ran the meetings. Of course he’d know.

I took a deep breath. “So I don’t know where you’re at or what you want, or even if you want anything, I don’t even know. God, this is embarrassing, but I think you’re kinda great, so I was wondering if you wanted to maybe talk about what you might want with me, or from me. Because you’re asexual too and I’m really hoping you’re on the same page.”

“I think you’re kinda great too,” he said, his gaze intense. “Truly, you walked into my support meeting and I thought to myself, He’s really cute, but it was inappropriate of me to be thinking that of a guy who was there for emotional support, but then you got on the bus and you asked me about the audiobook I was listening to, and you knew who the author was without even trying, and it’s one of my favourite books. I’m not gonna lie, I was kind of blown away and fascinated, and felt like it was fate or something.”