Until Harry(49)

I felt sick.

“It’s okay,” I breathed, forcing back the bile that wanted to rise up my throat. “We’ll just forget about it. It’s not a big deal.”

It was a big deal; it was a huge fucking deal.

“Lane.”

I refused to look at him; the tears that were in my eyes would fall, otherwise.

“No, Kale, I swear it’s fine,” I said, and fumbled with the sheets to cover my body. “You’re right – this was a mistake.”

It almost killed me to say the biggest lie of my life.

“I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt you,” he said, clearly in distress. “I hate myself for upsetting you.”

Stop. Talking.

“It’s fine, honestly,” I assured him.

It wasn’t fine, not at all.

“I wasn’t . . . I wasn’t your first, was I?”

I looked up at him and saw the horror in his expression. He truly didn’t remember any of what we did, not even the conversation we’d had before.

That cut me deep.

“No,” I lied through my teeth. “No, I’ve had sex before.”

His jaw set before he slowly nodded.

“Can you – can you turn around so I can get dressed?” I asked, an embarrassed flush covering the surface of my face and neck.

I wasn’t being shy; I was simply mortified at having to do a degrading redress from the night before, then do the walk of shame from someone who I should never have been walking away from.

I quickly got up from the bed and scrabbled around the room, picking up my underwear and Lavender’s borrowed clothes and pulling them on in record time. When I got my heels on and checked that my phone and house key were still in the back pocket of the skirt I was wearing, I moved towards the door, with my head downcast.

“Lane?” his voice murmured.

I froze at the door of the bedroom.

“What is it, Kale?” I asked, tears splashing onto my cheeks.

“You mean the world to me, and you know I’d never be horrible to you or say something hurtful unless it was for your own good, don’t you?”

My head was pounding, and I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

I couldn’t make sense of it.

“I have to go, Kale.”

He was silent for a moment, and then he said, “Just . . . don’t hate me. Please.”

That was the damn problem. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t, I loved him too much to ever experience another emotion when it came to him, and I hated that.

“I don’t hate you,” I whispered.

I heard Kale exhale a relieved breath.

“Will you be okay getting home?” he asked, concerned.

I nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

“Look, I’ll see you over Christmas break, and I’m telling you, we’ll laugh our heads off about this by then.”

That was highly doubtful.

“Yeah,” I lied. “It’ll be hilarious.”

“Take my jumper; I left it up here when I got to the party a few hours ago. Please . . . take it. You’ll freeze outside wearing just that.”

I hesitated in turning.

“Lane, please,” he pleaded. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

I swallowed my hurt and pride, and turned to face him. I made sure not to look at him directly, though, as I walked over to the bed and grabbed his jumper from the floor. I quickly put it on, then moved back over to the door.

Kale was silent for a moment before he said, “See you, Laney Baby.”

I squeezed my eyes shut but reopened them as I reached for the handle of the bedroom door. I turned the lock and pulled the door open. I stepped out into the hallway, and without looking back, I said, “Bye, Kale”, and closed the door behind me.

I stood there for a moment before I willed my legs to move. I began to walk down the hallway, and just before I took the left turn and headed for the stairs I heard Kale’s voice roar, “Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!” from back inside the bedroom where I’d given myself body and soul to him.

I broke down then. He really regretted sleeping with me. He really regretted me, and he was clearly furious with himself over it. I couldn’t take the hurt that welled up inside of me. I ran down the hallway, jumping over a sleeping body here and there, until I got to the stairs and descended them two at a time. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I glanced around and winced at the state of the beautiful house I’d entered last night.

It looked like a bomb had gone off, and I pitied the poor souls who had to clean it all up. I glanced at the large clock next to the stairs and saw it was close to half past five in the morning. There was no way I could go back to Lavender’s house, because she’d told her parents that she was sleeping in my house, but since she wasn’t with me, I had a pretty good idea of who she was with.

I reached into the back pocket of my skirt, pulled out my phone and dialled her number.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” I repeated over and over.

“Hello?” Lavender’s husky voice answered.

“It’s me. Where are you?” I asked, breathing a sigh of relief that she was okay.

She mumbled something to someone, then to me she said, “I’m in Daven’s house. His mum had a late shift at the hospital, so he brought me back here when I couldn’t find you.”