Unravel(38)

I shove my hands into the sleeves of my hoodie and walk over to the flight of steps. I sit on the top step. This is as close as I’ll get to freedom.

The balcony doors creak open behind me. I keep my face forward as the doors clicks shut.

“Naomi.”

Goose bumps spread across my skin just by the sound of his voice. Lachlan.

He sits down next to me and takes a deep breath. It forms into the air like a mist of smoke. I try to grab it before it disappears but I’m too late.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he says.

I stare straight ahead. “Who told you where I was?”

His shoulder touches mine and he makes no effort to move away. I close my eyes and just take this in. His warmth, the feel of him. My hands curve around the underside of my thighs. I continue to stare out into the trees.

“No one,” he says. “When I walked into the dining room you were walking outside and… here you are.”

“Here I am,” I say, testing his words, trying to make sense of them.

Am I really here? Sure, in the physical sense I am, but that means nothing. It’s my soul, the very core of me that feels split up. And Max, Lachlan, and Lana hold those pieces.

Finally, I look over at Lachlan. I want to reach into him and grab the part of myself that he stole.

My heart is stuck in my throat, as I look him over. I love him so much. I love him too much to be considered healthy. I know that. And yet, I love Max with almost the same intensity. Does that make me a terrible person? Loving two men at the same time? I suppose. But I crave the both of them more than air.

If I had to choose between the two of them right here, right now, I couldn’t. I don’t know how to live without either one.

Lachlan has slightly changed. I know that’s impossible. It hasn’t been that long since I’ve seen him. His hair looks longer. Usually, he’s always clean-shaven, but there’s stubble on his face. His eyes look weary and so sad. I want to ask what’s keeping him up at night, but I’m pretty sure I already know.

“You told me you weren’t coming back.” I feel too much right now. So my eyes start to well up with tears. The emotions have to get out somehow. “You can’t just keep coming in and out of my life. It will kill me,” I say brokenly.

He drags his fingers through his thick hair. “I don’t know if I should even be here right now,” he admits. “I just miss you so f*cking much.”

I let his words sink in and instantly feel a surge of energy that I haven’t felt since the last time I saw him.

“I miss you too,” I whisper.

Lachlan’s sharp hazel eyes focus on me with determination. “They allow you out of here on passes or something like that. You know that, right?”

I didn’t. “How do you know?”

“I asked. If you can get away from here for the weekend… you want me to take you away?”

I want it more than my next breath. I find my voice and whisper. “I’d love that.”

“Good. It will happen,” he says with confidence.

Lachlan has enough optimism for the both of us. I really don’t believe that they’ll ever give me a weekend pass. I’m starting to believe that I’ll never get out of here.

I look away. “Have I always been crazy?” I ask absently.

“Don’t say that about yourself.”

I nudge my head toward the building. “They think I’m crazy. Keep trying to diagnose me.” I toy with the material of my sweat pants. “Even my new doctor… she can’t seem to figure me out.”

“Do you like her?”

“Better than my old doctor. For some reason, I trust her.” I shrug awkwardly.

“That’s good though,” Lachlan says.

I glance at him. “I saw you a few nights ago.”

Lachlan frowns.

“You laid with me,” I continue. He sucks in a sharp breath and links his hands behind his neck. His eyes slam shut, like he’s in pain. “Crazy, right? You weren’t there, but you were. I swear you were. You talked to me. You told me a story to help me fall asleep. Even now, I can’t tell if you’re sitting next to me, or if I’m imagining this.”

Abruptly, he stands up and kneels on the step below me. His knees are buried in the cold snow, but he doesn’t seem to care.

“I’m here right now.”

Both of his hands wrap around my knees. His fingers rub my skin softly. I stay perfectly still and watch his hand travel from my knees, up the sides of my thighs, and to my waist. He grips me tightly, as if I will flee in any second.

“Someday, you’re gonna get out of here.” He utters the last of his words slowly. “And everything’s going to be okay.”

I believe his words only because they’re all I have left. Bending close, I wrap myself around him and tuck my face into his neck. I breathe him in like it’s the last thing I’ll ever be able to do.

“Tell me what you’re fighting and I’ll fight with you,” he whispers into my hair.

My hand curls around his neck, holding him place. A painful moan tears from my mouth. If I could reach inside myself to find the words, I’d tell Lachlan I miss him every day. That every day apart makes me feel like I’m slowly being drained of life. But I don’t have to speak. Lachlan hears the truth without a sound escaping my mouth.