Ugly Love(72)

I can’t see her, I can’t see her, I can’t see her, I can’t see him.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SILENCE.
“Miles!”
I open my eyes.
It’s wet, it’s wet, there’s water, it’s wet.
Water is in the car.
I unbuckle my seat belt and turn around. Her hands are on his
car seat. “Miles, help me! It’s stuck!”
I try.
I try again.
But she needs to get out, too.
She needs to get out, too.
I kick my window and break the glass. I saw it in a movie once.
Make sure there’s a way out before there’s too much pressure on the
windows.
“Rachel, get out! I’ve got him!”
She tells me no. She won’t stop trying to get him out.
I’ll get him, Rachel.
She can’t get out. Her seat belt is stuck. It’s too tight.
I let go of the car seat and reach for her seat belt. My hands are
underwater when I find it.
She slaps at my arms and attempts to push me away from her.
“Get him first!” she screams. “Get him out first!”
I can’t.
They’re both stuck.
You’re stuck, Rachel.
Oh, God.
I’m scared.
Rachel is scared.
The water is everywhere. I can’t see him anymore.
I can’t see her.
I can’t hear him.
I reach for her seat belt again.
I get it off her.
I grab her hands. Her window isn’t broken.
Mine is.
I pull her forward. She’s fighting me.
She’s fighting me.
She stops fighting me.
Fight me, Rachel.
Fight me.
Move.
Someone is reaching in through my window.
“Give me her hand!” I hear him yell.
The water is coming in through my window now.
The entire backseat is water.
Everything is water.
I give him Rachel’s hand. He helps me get her out.
Everything is water.
I try to find him.
I can’t breathe.
I try to find him.
I can’t breathe.
I try to save him.
I want to be his hero.
I can’t breathe.
So I just stop.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SCREAM.
I cover my ears with my hands.
I cover my heart with armor.
I cough until I can breathe again.
I open my eyes. We’re in a boat.
I look around. We’re on a lake.
I bring my hand up to my jaw.
My hand is red.
Covered in blood as red as Rachel’s hair.
Rachel.
I find Rachel.
Clayton.
I don’t find Clayton.
I push up on my hands and move to the edge of the boat.
I need to find him.
Someone stops me. Someone pulls me back.
Someone won’t let me.
Someone is telling me it’s too late.
Someone tells me he’s sorry.
Someone tells me we can’t get to him.
Someone tells me we went over the bridge after the impact.
Someone tells me he’s so sorry.
I move to Rachel, instead.
I try to hold her, but she won’t let me. She’s screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
She hits me.
She kicks me.
She says I should have saved him instead.
But I tried to save you both, Rachel.
“You should have saved him, Miles!” she cries.
You should have saved him.
You should have saved him.
I should have saved HIM.
She’s screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
I hold her anyway.
I let her hit me.
I let her hate me.
Rachel hates me.
I hold her anyway.
Rachel cries, but she’s quiet. She’s crying so hard her throat can’t even make a sound. Her body is crying, but her voice is not.
Ruined.
Ruined.
RUINED.
I cry with her. I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry and we cry and we cry and we cry.
Ruined.
The water is everything now.
I look at Rachel. I only see water.
I close my eyes. I only see water.
I look up at the sky. I only see water.
It hurts so much. I never knew a heart could hold the weight of the entire world.
I don’t make Rachel’s life better anymore.
I ruined you, Rachel.
My family.
Me and you and Clayton.
RUINED.
You can’t love me after this, Rachel.




Chapter thirty-three

TATE

My hands are on him, rubbing his back, touching his hair. He’s crying, and the only thing I can do is tell him never mind. I want to tell him to forget everything I said tonight. I want to do whatever I can to take this pain away from him, because whatever happened shouldn’t matter. Whatever happened, no one deserves to feel the way he’s feeling right now.
I move his arms from his face, then slide onto his lap. I hold his face in my hands and tilt it to mine. He keeps his eyes closed. “I don’t have to know, Miles.”
His arms wrap around my back, and he buries his face against my chest. His labored breaths come faster as he tries to push back his emotions. My arms are wrapped around his head, and I kiss his hair, then trail kisses down the side of his head until he pulls back and looks up at me.
No amount of armor in the world and no wall no matter how thick could hide the devastation in his eyes right now. It’s so prominent, and there’s so much of it, I have to hold my breath so I don’t cry with him.
What happened to you, Miles?
“I don’t have to know,” I whisper again, shaking my head.
His hands move to the back of my head, and he presses his mouth to mine, hard and painfully. He moves forward until my back is against the floor. His hands pull at my shirt, and he’s kissing me desperately, furiously, filling my mouth with the taste of his tears.