Ugly Love(68)

I shrug, because there’s no way I’m answering that with a yes until I hear his question first.
“Are you still doing this with me because you think I’ll change my mind? Because you think there’s a chance I’ll fall in love with you?”
That’s the only reason I’m still doing this, Miles.
I don’t say that out loud, though. I don’t say anything.
“Because I can’t, Tate. I just . . .” His voice fades away, and he grows quiet. I analyze his words and the fact that he said I can’t rather than I won’t. I want to ask him why he can’t. Is he scared? Is it because I’m not right for him? Is he afraid he’ll break my heart? I don’t ask him, because none of his answers to these questions would reassure me. None of these scenarios is reason enough to absolutely deny a heart happiness.
Which is why I don’t question him, because I feel like maybe I’m not prepared for the truth. Maybe I’m underestimating whatever it was that happened in his past to make him this way. Because something happened. Something I more than likely couldn’t relate to, even if I found out what it was. Something that stole the spirit right out of him, just like Cap said.
His arms pull me in tighter, and the hold he has on me speaks volumes. It’s more than an embrace. More than a hug. He’s holding me like he’s terrified I’d drown if he were to release me.
“Tate,” he whispers. “I know I’ll regret saying this, but I want you to hear it.” He pulls back just enough for his lips to meet my hair, then grips me tightly again. “If I were capable of loving someone . . . it would be you.” My heart cracks with his words, and I feel the hope seep in and leak right back out again. “But I’m not capable. So if it’s too hard—”
“It’s not,” I interrupt, doing whatever I can to stop him from ending this. I somehow find it in me to look him in the eyes and tell the best lie I’ve ever told in my whole life. “I like things exactly how they are.”
He knows I’m lying. I can see the doubt in his concerned eyes, but he nods anyway. I try to get his mind off of it before he sees right through me. I wrap my arms loosely around his neck, but his attention is pulled to the door, which is now opening. I turn, too, and see Cap slowly shuffling his way onto the rooftop deck. He walks toward the switch on the wall that turns off the jets to the hot tub. He flips it off and slowly turns back toward the door but not before noticing us out of the corner of his eye. He turns and faces us full on, standing no more than five feet away.
“That you, Tate?” he says, squinting.
“It’s me,” I say, still in the same position with Miles.
“Hmm,” Cap says, taking us both in. “Anyone ever told the two of you that you make a pretty darn good-looking couple?”
I wince, because I know this isn’t the best moment for Miles to hear that, especially after the awkward conversation we just had. I also know what Cap is up to with that comment.
“We’ll shut the lights off when we leave, Cap,” Miles says, ignoring Cap’s question and redirecting the conversation.
Cap narrows his eyes at him, shakes his head as though he’s disappointed, and begins to turn back to the door. “It was a rhetorical question anyway,” he mumbles. I see his hand go up to his forehead, and he salutes the air in front of him. “Good night, Tate,” he says loudly.
“Good night, Cap.”
Miles and I both watch until the door closes behind Cap. I pull my hands away from his neck and gently push against his chest until he steps back in order for me to make my way around him. I swim backward toward the other side of the pool.
“Why are you always so rude to him?” I ask.
Miles lowers himself in the water, parting his arms in front of him and kicking off the wall behind him. He swims toward me, and I watch as his eyes remain focused on mine. I swim backward until my back is against the opposite wall of the pool. He continues toward me, almost crashing into me, but he stops himself by gripping the ledge on both sides of my head, sending waves of water against my chest.
“I’m not rude to him.” His lips meet my neck, and he kisses it softly, trailing slowly upward until his mouth is close to my ear. “I just don’t like answering questions.”
I think we’ve established that already.
I pull my neck away a few inches in order to see his face. I try to focus on his eyes, but there are drops of water on his lips, and it’s hard not to stare. “He’s an old man, though. You’re not supposed to be rude to old people. And he’s pretty damn funny, if you’d just get to know him.”
Miles laughs a little. “You like him, huh?” He seems amused.
I nod. “Yeah. I like him a lot. Sometimes I like him more than I like you.”
He laughs loudly this time and leans in again, planting a kiss on my cheek. His hand conforms to the nape of my neck, and his eyes drop to my mouth. “I like that you like him,” he says, bringing his eyes up to mine. “I won’t be rude to him again. Promise.”
I bite my lip so that he doesn’t see how much I want to smile at the fact that he just made me a promise. It was a simple promise. But it still feels good.
He slides his hand around to my jaw, and his thumb meets my lip. He pulls it away from my teeth. “What did I tell you about hiding that smile?” He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and bites it gently, then releases it.
It feels as if the temperature in the pool just shot up twenty degrees.
His mouth meets my throat, and he breathes out a heavy sigh against my skin. I tilt my head back and let it rest against the ledge of the pool as he kisses his way down my neck.