Two Kinds Of Truth(38)

“That’s nice,” he presently says, “but don’t go getting emotionally attached.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean: perhaps it isn’t such a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“You know why. Don’t make me spell it out.”

She heaves a sigh and pulls her lips into a tight frown, then stands to place her empty glass on a nearby table.

“I think it’s time I went to bed,” she says, then makes her way over and kisses me on my cheek. “Goodnight, Jamie, and thanks for a great evening.”

She goes to Callum’s side but hesitates before her lips rest against his. “Night, Cal.”

“I’ll come with you,” he says, and starts to rise from his chair. His movements are slow, half-hearted.

Maddie put’s a hand against his chest. She shakes her head and smiles, but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “No, you stay. Finish your drink. You can join me later.” She shoves her shoes back on and heads for the door, and without a backward glance, closes it behind her.

“I can’t carry on like this for much longer,” Callum whispers into his glass. “I feel so guilty that I’m unable to give her what she wants. I know she pretends everything’s okay, but without a child of her own, it’s as though she’s on self-destruct.”

I throw back my head, downing the last of my Whisky. “Are ye sure you’re not willing to adopt?”

Callum shakes his head. “No, as selfish as it sounds, I just can’t. It wouldn’t be Maddie’s baby or mine. I couldn’t bond with someone who wasn’t ours from the start. The thought makes me shiver inside. I’d always be…detached.”

“And you’ll nae reconsider?”

“Never. It’s our blood or nothing.”

I clear my throat nervously.

“Okay. Against my better judgement, I’ll do it.”

Callum shoots me a confused stare. “You’ll do what?”

“I’ll sleep with Maddie, if ye still want me to.”

Callum bolts upright. His jaw drops, his eyes now wide in disbelief.

“Are you serious?” he asks. “I mean: you’re not fucking with me, are you?”

I slam my empty tumbler down onto the desk. “Christ, Cal, like I’d ever joke about sleeping with yir wife.”

Callum jumps to his feet and grabs hold of me, pulling me close. His eyes search mine, as though if he stares long enough he’ll find the answer there.

“What changed your mind?” he asks.

I let out a sigh, shrug him off and go and sit in one of the fireside chairs. Callum follows and sits directly opposite.

I look down at my hands. They’re shaking. “If I’m honest, Maddie did.”

“But how? When?”

“I spoke to Maddie at the stables. I asked her, when we were mucking out the horses, what it was like not being able to have children.”

“And what did she say?”

“More than I deserve. I shouldn’t have gone prodding and poking about in her personal life like that. I simply had nae right.”

“Just tell me what she said that changed your mind?”

I jump to my feet. “I cannae pinpoint one exact moment,” I confess.

Callum lets out a frustrated sigh. “But something must have triggered this change of heart?”

“Aye, tonight at the quiz. When I spoke to her, it was as though something just clicked inside my head. It was as though I understood her pain. I came to realise just how much she desperately wants…no, needs a child of her own. It’s as though without a bairn she’s empty inside, and my asking her those questions earlier must have ripped her heart out.”

“Sit down,” Callum insists. “I need to get my head around all this.”

I stumble into one of the chairs and Callum presses a hand to my shoulder.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he tells me. “You just wanted to learn the truth from both sides.”

“Aye, maybe you’re right. But tonight, at the pub, I saw her face when she held that bairn in her arms. I’ve never seen her look so radiant. She was a different person. She came alive and she was happy. I cannnae turn my back on her now, and I cannae deny her a chance to become a mother, either.”

I watch Callum go back to the bar server, where he pours two more Whiskies, soon placing one in my hand. “Here, drink this, then we’ll change clothes.”

I stare up at my brother. “Do you understand the implications of what I’m about to do?” I whisper. “They’ll be no turning back once I leave this room.”

Callum drops his voice an octave. “I understand and take full responsibility.”

“And if I do this, it must remain our secret forever.”

Callum nods. “I’ll take it to the grave if I have to.”

“Then let’s pray we don’t ever live to regret what we’ve now agreed to do.”

***

I open the front door and let myself into the cottage. Large black shapes, silhouetted by the darkness, rise and fall before me like ghostly giants as I make my way through the living room and head for the doorway to the stairs.

The only sound is my own breathing, which does nothing to help calm my taut nerves. When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I look up towards the landing, a part of me expecting Claire to be standing there, waiting for me to come to bed. We had such hopes, such dreams together.