Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(173)
Quietly stepping up to her bed, I stroked her cheek with my finger. Her eyes flashed open, and she seemed surprised to see me. Maybe she hadn’t expected me to come back.
I sat down on the bed beside her, my smile warm and comforting. I wanted to savor our last few moments together. “Are you okay?”
“I guess. The pain meds kicked in, and I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds, but I guess I’m going to be fine.”
Her eyes were still wet and her cheeks had drying trails of shiny tears on them. Her head might be fine, but her heart was a mess. “That’s not what I meant. Believe me, I’ve talked to about every nurse in here, I know your situation…but are you okay?” I glanced at the door so she’d know I knew about the breakup.
A fresh tear rolled down her cheek as she stared up at me. “Ask me again in a couple days.”
Nodding, I bent down to kiss her. How could I not? The heartbeat monitor started beeping faster as our lips moved together. I looked over at it with a laugh. “I suppose I shouldn’t do that.” I still made her heart race; she made mine pound too. I was going to miss her.
When I pulled away, Kiera grabbed my cheek and ran a finger along my bruise. “Are you okay?”
No. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.
I pulled her hand away from my face. “I’ll be fine, Kiera. Don’t worry about that right now. I’m just so glad that you’re…that you’re not…” I stopped myself from saying my biggest fear out loud.
Distracting myself from that thought, I held her hand in both of mine. Her fingers stroked my wrist, and I loved every single second of the contact. Would touching anyone else ever feel this good?
“You and Denny were both here?” she asked, surprised.
“Of course. We both care about you, Kiera.”
She gently shook her head. “No, I mean, you were both here in the same room, talking calmly when I woke up. You weren’t trying to kill each other?”
“Once was enough,” I said with a wry smile. “You’ve been out of it for a couple days. Denny and I…have had several talks.” I paused as I remembered our spats. “Those first few talks weren’t so…calm.” Reaching up, I pushed some hair out of her face. “Our concern for you eventually tempered those conversations, and we talked about what to do, instead of what was done.”
Kiera opened her mouth to speak, but I confessed what I knew she must be wondering about. “He told me he took the job in Australia, and when I asked if he’d take you with him…he told me no.”
More tears flowed down her cheeks, and I carefully stroked them away. She looked like she might lose it at any second. I hated that we were piling this on her now, when she was still weak and recovering, but it had to happen, and sooner was better than later. “You knew he was going to break up with me today?” she asked.
I nodded. “I knew he was going to do it soon. When you woke up and he looked at me…I figured he wanted to do it as soon as possible.” The weight of what needed to be done crushed me, and I looked away. “Rip off the Band-Aid…” I murmured. Do it now. Then walk away. It will only sting for a second.
No. It won’t. This sting will last for the rest of my life.
I stared at the ground as I willed myself to let her go. Denny was right. It was harder than I imagined. I had to though. This limbo wasn’t good for us. When I noticed Kiera’s hand reaching out for me, I forced the words from my lips. “What are your plans now, Kiera?”
Her hand dropped as she stuttered for an answer. “My plans? I don’t…I don’t know. School…work…” You.
She didn’t say that last option out loud, but I heard it plain as day. He left me, so I guess I’ll stay with you. Since you’ll always be here waiting for me.
Not this time, Kiera.
Heat was in my eyes when I returned my gaze to hers. If I could hold in the anger, I could hold back the pain. “And me? Do we just pick up where we left off? Before you left me…again…for him?”
Kiera’s eyes fluttered closed. “Kellan…”
Tears stung my eyes as despair battered against my crumbling wall of rage; I couldn’t keep holding it back. “I can’t do this anymore, Kiera.”
She opened her eyes, and I could see the agony in them, but I couldn’t stop now. Rip off the Band-Aid. “I was going to let you walk away that night. I told you I’d let you go, if that was what you wanted, and when you said…” I closed my eyes with a sigh. “After that, I couldn’t even find it in me to lie to Denny when he found us.” Reopening my eyes, I focused on our hands. “I knew he’d attack me when he heard the truth…but I couldn’t fight him back. I’d hurt him so badly, I couldn’t find it in me to hurt him physically. What we did to him…He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever known, the closest thing to real family I’ve ever had, and we turned him into my…”
I closed my eyes as the memory of my father merged with my image of Denny when he was attacking me. I’d done that. I’d made him snap. I’d created a monster. “I think a part of me wanted him to hurt me…” I lifted my eyes to Kiera’s. “Because of you, because you always chose him. You never really wanted me, and you’re all I’ve ever…” I’d do anything for you. Why won’t you do the same?