Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(16)
Before I could say that though, Denny moved on to another topic, and our conversation drifted to lighthearted memories. It felt good to revisit them. Sometimes the darker moments had a tendency to overshadow the good ones. And Denny and I had had a lot of good times together.
Once Kiera was off the phone with her family, she and Denny went about settling themselves at my place. I asked Denny if I could give him a hand, but with a cringe he told me, “You’ve done so much for us already, letting us stay here for next to nothing. I wouldn’t feel good about it.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he quickly added, “No worries, mate. We’ve only got a few boxes.”
With a laugh, I clapped him on the shoulder and left him to it. And he was right, of course. The pair of them got all of their boxes to their room in two trips. When they came back downstairs, Denny asked how to get to Pike Place from here. I told him where the market was, and he and Kiera prepared to leave.
“Thanks. See ya later this arvo,” Denny said, grabbing Kiera’s hand.
Kiera smirked at Denny, then turned to me. “That means afternoon.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Yeah, I figured.” Our eyes locked as we smiled at each other, and for a second, I felt trapped. Something stirred in my chest, speeding my heart. I almost felt like I’d gone for a run and hit my stride. I just felt…good…and all I was doing was looking at her. Sharing a moment. Sharing a connection. It was strange, but pleasant.
It took a lot of willpower to toss my hand up in a wave and casually turn around and head toward the kitchen, but I made myself do it. I shouldn’t be having connections with Kiera, no matter how nice it felt. Some pleasures I’d just have to deny myself.
Finding a notebook in the junk drawer of the kitchen, I pulled it out, sat at the table, and started writing down lyrics. Phrases and phrases about kaleidoscope eyes were tumbling through my mind. I thought I could write an entire song about Kiera’s ever-shifting eye color. That would be highly inappropriate though. Maybe I’d change it to another color in the final draft. No. Even as I thought it, I knew I’d never change the color. Can’t change perfect.
When I heard the front door open, I glanced at the clock. Denny and Kiera had been gone a long time. They were laughing when they entered the kitchen, arms full of bags. After setting down their things, Denny wrapped his arms around Kiera and she kissed his neck. I knew it was wrong and kind of creepy, but I just couldn’t stop watching them. It was wonderful seeing two people so content and happy. It was also painful, stirring things in me that I’d long buried. Hopes. Dreams. But that life wasn’t meant for me. Hookups were what I had. I’d accepted that a long time ago, and I was fine with it. I had to be.
Giving them privacy, I forced myself to resume studying my notebook. After a few quiet departing words, Kiera left the room, and I looked over at Denny. Laughing a little, I told him, “I know you’re going to say no, but I’d be a dick if I didn’t offer, so…can I help?”
Over his shoulder, Denny met my eye and smiled. “No, mate, you can’t.” He put a few things in the fridge, then shut the door. Turning to face me, he said, “I’m done though. Want to find a game to watch?”
I suddenly remembered something else about Denny. He liked sports a heck of a lot more than I did. Probably why Dad had connected with him more than he had me. Well, one of many reasons why. But I didn’t have anything better to do since there was no rehearsal today, so I shrugged and told him, “Sure.” I could sit through sports to hang out with him.
Denny grinned like I’d given him the best news ever. I laughed again and stood up to put my notebook back in the junk drawer. I probably should tuck that one away in my bedroom so Kiera or Denny didn’t find it, but thousands of people had hazel eyes. I could be singing about anybody. Or nobody. Not every song was based on reality.
I listened for Kiera upstairs more than I watched the sports highlights on TV. That was far more interesting. I could hear her clunking around her room, and I even heard her drop something and swear. That made me snort. Her innocent face seemed incapable of saying a bad word.
When she finally came downstairs, I gave her a polite smile. I wasn’t sure if she saw me though; her eyes were only on Denny. When she saw him sprawled across the couch, a blissful smile graced her lips. She crawled on top of him, then wiggled her way between him and the couch. Denny’s arm went around her waist while Kiera tossed her leg over his and laid her head on his chest. Denny sighed, kissing her head, and Kiera’s content expression never left her. If anything, she became even more at peace.
An ache vibrated through my chest as I watched them. It was like seeing warmth and love personified. No one had ever touched me like that. Not in a nonsexual way. Not for purely the joy of contact, with no other plan or agenda. Watching what they had together was almost too much to bear, but I couldn’t turn my eyes away either. Was that the way love was supposed to look? Calm, happy, peaceful? I’d never seen it that way. Not really. I’d seen anger, jealousy, bitterness, and resentment. Love equaled pain in my world. And I generally tried to avoid pain.
Kiera’s eyes shifted over to me. There was a question in the brownish-green depths. A question I didn’t want her to ask, because somehow, I knew I would eventually answer her, and it would hurt like hell when I did. Thankfully, she closed her eyes and remained silent. Then, surrounded in her sea of serenity, she drifted off to sleep. For a moment, I wasn’t sure who I was more envious of: Kiera, for the peace she was experiencing, or Denny, because he’d found someone amazing to share it with.