The Stand-In Boyfriend (Grove Valley High #1)(56)

“What’s going on?”

I shrug and don’t look away from my hands. It’s hard to put into words how I’m feeling right now, how stressed and panicked I am. This is when my anxiety is at its worse. When I can’t even look at my best friend, I know it’s bad.

She reaches out and rests her hand on my thigh, squeezing gently.

“You’ve got this, Livs.”

I shake my head. I don’t, I really don’t have this—too much rides on it.

“I promise you, you do.”

“I don’t think I can play.” My words are a whisper.

“You can and you will,” she tells me.

A tear streaks down my cheek. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. So much hangs on this moment. I need it. I need it in order to get to college and have a chance at a decent life and right now I can’t even get up off the bathroom floor. It’s not just a soccer match to me; it represents my future.

The door opens again and Jessie stands there. He makes me feel marginally better, but just marginally. I don’t think even Jessie can pull me out of this. I’m in here falling apart while the rest of my team is outside warming up, not even knowing if I’m going to pull it together to play or not.

“You’re okay, Liv,” Jessie tells me. I shake my head again. He doesn’t get it, neither does Sophie—they’ve never competed at this level—but I’m not about to say that to them because they’re my best friends. Still, they don’t understand how I’m feeling, the pressure I’m feeling—the fear of not being good enough, of not winning.

“Talk to me,” Sophie says from beside me. “How can we help?”

“Visualize the crowd naked,” Jessie suggests. “Would that help? You could even visualize us naked.”

Sophie snorts next to me and I manage a small smile. I’ve visualized Jessie naked on more than one occasion, but I can’t exactly say that to him right now. Besides, that thought isn’t helpful at the moment.

“You’ve got this,” Sophie tells me. “You’re going to have a great game and you’re going to impress everyone out there and you’re going to win this. I know it.”

Fresh tears fall down my face. I can’t. I’m going to let everyone down. My mom and Ray are out there and they’ll be so disappointed when I mess up. I know my dad doesn’t give my mom much money for me, certainly not enough to cover college tuition, and Ray doesn’t have much money, not really. My mom’s bakery is successful and getting more so all the time, but not college tuition successful, not yet, and they should be saving for Scotty’s future. They’d never say it to me but I know they need me to impress today. I know this is my only shot at getting a scholarship and I’m already messing it up. I’m already messing it up before I’ve even kicked a ball.

“Don’t cry,” Jessie says, panic creeping into his voice. He glances over at Sophie and she shrugs helplessly. It’s been a long time since they’ve seen me like this. I haven’t been this anxious since the year my dad left.

“I’m messing everything up,” I whisper.

“Should I go get your mom?”

“No! No, please don’t tell her.” I don’t want her to know about this. It will only worry her, will only stress her out.

“What can we do?” Jessie pleads. If I wasn’t feeling so low, I’d probably feel happy that he’s showing he genuinely cares about me. “Tell me what to do to make you feel better, Liv.”

Nothing. They can’t do anything. They don’t get it. They’ll never get the pressure of knowing the whole team is counting on you to be at your best in such an important game. Only my teammates will know that, only my teammates, who need to focus on their own game right now, and the boys—wait.

“Is Chase here yet?”

Jessie stiffens slightly before nodding his head. Of course he’s here. He said he would be, and I’m coming to understand that when Chase says he’ll do something, he does it. He’s here to support me and I know it’s not just because he’s pretending to be my boyfriend. He’s here because he wants to be. He’s genuinely been crazy excited about this game.

“Can you get him?” My voice is so low that if it weren’t for the way Jessie’s face shifts, I wouldn’t know he heard me. I don’t have time to decipher what that means right now, to figure out if he’s jealous or not, to even be pleased that Jessie clearly doesn’t like the idea of me needing Chase to help me right now.

“Go,” Sophie hisses, and he turns without another word while she continues rubbing circles on my knee, trying to comfort me while all I can focus on is trying to control my breathing and halt this overwhelming sense of failure that’s consuming me.

The door to the locker room slams open and footsteps hit the tile. Chase rounds the corner to the showers a moment later and halts when he sees me on the floor. His face softens and he offers me a weak smile. He walks over cautiously and when he’s right in front of me, he holds out his hand.

There’s something about the look on his face that makes me take it despite the fact that only a second ago I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get up off the ground. It’s because he’s not telling me to. It’s because he expects me to get up because it’s a perfectly reasonable request for me to get off the ground of the empty shower stall I’ve been hiding in, and of course it is. He hauls me to my feet but doesn’t let go of my hand. He tugs me closer to him then backs up toward the opposite wall, sits down on the wooden bench parallel to the showers, and then pulls me down onto his lap while Sophie disappears out of the room.