The Rosie Project (Don Tillman #1)(35)

‘At work.’

‘Are you all right?’

‘I’m fine.’

It was embarrassing to have Rosie listen to a personal conversation, and I did everything I could to terminate it quickly, keeping my responses as brief as possible. Rosie started laughing – fortunately not loudly enough for my mother to hear – and making funny faces.

‘Your mother?’ she said when I was finally able to hang up.

‘Correct. How did you guess?’

‘You sound like any sixteen-year-old boy talking to his mum in front of –’ She stopped. My annoyance must have been obvious. ‘Or me talking to Phil.’

It was interesting that Rosie also found conversation with a parent difficult. My mother is a good person, but very focused on sharing personal information. Rosie picked up a slice of pizza and looked at the computer screen.

‘I’m guessing no news.’

‘Plenty of news. Five more eliminated, only four to go. Including this one.’ The result had come up while I was on the phone. ‘Delete Anwar Khan.’

Rosie updated the spreadsheet. ‘Allah be praised.’

‘World’s most complicated drink order,’ I reminded her. Dr Khan had ordered five different drinks, compensating for his abstinence earlier in the evening. At the end of the night, he had left with his arm around Dr Gold.

‘Yeah and I messed it up too. Put rum in the Virgin Colada.’

‘You gave him alcohol?’ I presumed this was in violation of his personal or religious standards.

‘Maybe he’ll miss out on his seventy-two virgins.’

I was familiar with this religious theory. My public position, as negotiated with the Dean, is that I regard all non-science based beliefs as having equal merit. But I found this one curious.

‘Seems irrational,’ I said. ‘Wanting virgins. Surely a woman with sexual experience would be preferable to a novice.’

Rosie laughed and opened two beers. Then she stared at me, in the way that I am not supposed to do to others. ‘Amazing. You. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I don’t know why you’re doing this, but thanks.’ She tapped her bottle against mine and drank.

It was enjoyable to be appreciated, but this was exactly what I had been worried about when I spoke to Claudia. Now Rosie was asking about my motives. She had applied for the Wife Project and presumably had expectations on that basis. It was time to be honest.

‘Presumably you think it’s in order to initiate a romantic relationship.’

‘The thought had crossed my mind,’ said Rosie.

Assumption confirmed.

‘I’m extremely sorry if I’ve created an incorrect impression.’

‘What do you mean?’ said Rosie.

‘I’m not interested in you as a partner. I should have told you earlier, but you’re totally unsuitable.’ I tried to gauge Rosie’s reaction, but the interpretation of facial expressions is not one of my strengths.

‘Well, you’ll be pleased to know I can cope. I think you’re pretty unsuitable too,’ she said.

This was a relief. I hadn’t hurt her feelings. But it did leave a question unanswered.

‘Then why did you apply for the Wife Project?’ I was using the word ‘apply’ loosely, as Gene had not required Rosie to complete the questionnaire. But her answer suggested a more serious level of miscommunication.

‘Wife Project?’ she said, as if she had never heard of it.

‘Gene sent you to me as a candidate for the Wife Project. A wild card.’

‘He did what?’

‘You haven’t heard of the Wife Project?’ I asked, trying to establish the correct starting point.

‘No,’ she said, speaking in the tone that is traditionally used for giving instructions to a child. ‘I have never heard of the Wife Project. But I’m about to. In detail.’

‘Of course,’ I said. ‘But we should time-share it with pizza-consumption and beer-drinking.’

‘Of course,’ said Rosie.

I explained in some detail about the Wife Project, including the review with Gene and field visits to dating establishments. I finished as we consumed the final slices of pizza. Rosie had not really asked any questions except to make exclamations such as ‘Jesus’ and ‘Fuck’.

‘So,’ said Rosie. ‘Are you still doing it? The Wife Project?’

I explained that the project was still technically active, but in the absence of any qualified candidates there had been no progress.

‘What a shame,’ said Rosie. ‘The perfect woman hasn’t checked in yet.’

‘I would assume that there is more than one candidate who meets the criteria,’ I said, ‘but it’s like finding a bone-marrow donor. Not enough registrations.’

‘I can only hope that enough women realise their civic duty and take the test.’

It was an interesting comment. I didn’t really feel it was a duty. In the last few weeks, reflecting on the Wife Project and its lack of success, I had felt sad that there were so many women who were looking for partners, and desperate enough to register, even though there was only a low probability that they would meet the criteria.

‘It’s entirely optional,’ I said.