The Randy Romance Novelist(82)

“Exactly.”

Never would this ever make sense to me. Not even if the Pope told me it was God’s way of showing appreciation. Sniffing underwear to show you care? Were people going to make shirts with sniffing taglines on them now?

I sniff, therefore I care.

Underwear Symbol + Nose Symbol = 4EVA heart symbol

Sniff, sniff, kiss, kiss, ways to love your little miss.

“This is so f*cked up. What happened to telling a girl you loved her? Why isn’t that enough? Why can’t we just do this the old fashioned way, believe in each other’s words and know they mean more than any action I could ever perform?”

“Not in our generation, man. Words are taken for granted. Back in the day, you told someone you loved them, you married them, and you died next to them. There are so many people out there now who use those three sacred words loosely. They’ve lost their meaning.”

“They haven’t to me. When Rosie tells me she loves me, it’s like she sucker punches me every time, because I still can’t believe I could ever deserve such commitment from her, such trust. When she tells me she loves me, she’s handing me her f*cking heart. I would never do anything to f*ck that up.”

“Besides not sniffing her underwear,” Derk chuckled.

“Not the time, man. So not that time.”

“Sorry,” he sobered up. “Listen, you have to think about who you’re dealing with here. Rosie has had such huge expectations of love her entire life because of the amount of stories she’s read and movies she’s watched. Love to her is a grandiose emotion that needs to be expressed in a way only an eleven-million-dollar production can accomplish. Tack on the fact that she’s hormonal and super emotional, and that only adds onto her expectations.”

“You’re right about that.”

“Was this fight just about sniffing the underwear?”

I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a beer; it was going to be a long night and a little liquid encouragement would help me get through this talk.

“No, it just started with that. I’ve been holding out on her until I was able to get through this promotion and go see a doctor with her. She’s been complaining about . . . lady things down there, so I wanted to make sure all was right. She took that as I didn’t want to have sex with her.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Why didn’t you just talk to her, confront her about being pregnant, tell her about the promotion? Kind of like I told you in the first place. You know, communication goes a long way in relationships.”

If we were sitting next to each other, I would have dick-tapped him by now. I wasn’t an idiot; I knew what I was doing was backwards, I just didn’t think it would backfire this badly.

“Wow, thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Don’t get mad at me. If it was so obvious to talk to your girlfriend, then why the hell didn’t you do it?”

“Because I was hoping I could take care of everything before it all got out of hand. Obviously, I was wrong. You know how long I’ve wanted to propose to her. I couldn’t do it before the promotion because I wasn’t sure if I would get it, and once I found out I got the promotion, I didn’t have any time to prepare. I didn’t want to propose after I talked to her about the baby, because in her state, she would assume I was only proposing because she was pregnant. Knowing her, she would say something asinine like I was just making sure our child wasn’t a bastard.”

“That sounds about right.”

“So, I’ve been kind of f*cked in this whole situation.”

“You could always wait a year or so to propose, then it doesn’t look like a shotgun wedding.”

That wasn’t an option. Rosie needed to be my wife as soon as possible. I wanted her tied to my last name.

“No, would you want to wait that long to get married to Delaney?”

“Hell no. I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to tie her down. Then again, she was more of a wild one in college. I had to tame her first, and I’ve barely done that.”

Delaney definitely needed taming. I remember when I first met her in college; I couldn’t understand how she and Rosie were such good friends. Rosie was soft spoken and Delaney didn’t care what flew out of her mouth. Derk had a real hard time trying to get her to settle. If he had proposed to her right off the bat, there was no doubt in my mind he would have freaked her out, and she would have sent him packing.

Rosie was the opposite. She was a lover, a believer in commitment, in the happily ever after. She believed in soulmates; I just hoped she still believed I was the one for her.

“I don’t even know what to do now. If I propose, she’s going to think it’s my way of making up to her, not something meaningful. Before she left, she said actions are more important than words. Proposing is an action, but I want it to be an action that is remembered for the love I have for that woman, not for making up after a fight.”

“Man, you’re in a real pickle.”

“You’re helpful,” I replied, sarcastically. “You don’t have any words of wisdom?”

Silence stretched across the line while Derk thought about what he was going to say. “I would have sniffed the underwear.”

“You’re the absolute f*cking worst right now.”

He chuckled and then said, “Listen, let me feel her out tomorrow, and I’ll report back. Take tonight to think of some plans. We’ll convene later.”