The Randy Romance Novelist(81)

“I want to be with you, Rosie.”

“Really?” she asked, lifting her tear-streaked face to look in my eye. “When we first got together, you wanted nothing more than to be inside of me, to be a part of me, but now I feel like I don’t even know you. You’re living some second life at work, doing Lord knows what . . .”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, insulted.

She zipped up her bag and went to the bathroom, grabbing her cosmetics. “You know exactly what it means. How can a man just quit having sex with his girlfriend cold turkey after the amount of times we were doing it? You can’t. So you had to be getting it somewhere.” She shoved her toiletries in her bag and then spun around to look at me, hand on hip. “So, what is it?”

“What is what?”

“Are you having an affair with someone else or are you addicted to porn and would rather pump your own penis than be with me? Those are the only two things I can think of that would prevent you from . . .” She paused as an idea hit her. Her lips trembled and more tears fell from her eyes. “Oh, my God.”

This wasn’t going well . . . at all.

Whatever was brewing in her head wasn’t good; this whole conversation was a clusterf*ck. I was mad, she was mad; I was insulted . . . clearly, she was insulted for some reason. How she could still think I didn’t think she was my entire world was beyond me.

“What are you thinking now?” My tone was annoyed, I wasn’t sweet, I wasn’t kind. Everything coming out of my mouth was completely wrong, but I couldn’t stop it.

“You’ve noticed, haven’t you?”

“Noticed what?”

“Oh, don’t you dare pretend!” She was completely irrational at this point. With a hefty hoist, she picked up her bag and headed for the front door, Sir Licks-a-Lot poking his head out from under the bed just in time to give her the middle claw before she walked away.

I shooed him with my foot and chased after Rosie. “Noticed what?” I repeated myself.

The entryway was still dark, so I was almost unable to see her put on her Uggs and grab her purse and keys.

“Rosie, stop. Tell me what the hell is going on. I’m so confused right now. Why can’t we just sit and watch a movie together? Not everything is about sex.”

“I know that, Henry, but sex is a big part. If you don’t desire me, then we are just glorified roommates, and honestly, I could go and live with Delaney if I wanted that. I’m sure she would spoon me when I needed it. What I want is a man who wants me, not one who judges me for putting on some weight.”

Slapped across the face, I stood there, shocked. “Are you f*cking crazy? Do I not tell you every day how beautiful you are? How much I love you?”

“Words are just that, Henry. They are words; they mean nothing. It’s your actions that tell me everything. Don’t follow me.”

“Rosie, you can’t just run away from the problem.”

She opened the door and turned around to face me one last time.

“I’m not running, Henry. I’m finally giving you the out you wanted. This relationship was too fast and too sudden for someone like you. I see that now. I hope you had your fun at least, got what you were looking for.”

With that she left me, my heart shattered on the floor and my mind completely blank.

***

“Hello?”

“Derk, it’s Henry.”

“She’s here,” Derk said, not even having to hear me ask the question. “Delaney is passed out, so she went straight to bed. I take it you didn’t propose.”

“Not so much,” I sighed and slouched on the couch, Sir Licks-a-Lot at my feet. I ran my hand over my face, not sure where to go from here. “I don’t even know what happened. I wanted to have a simple night with her, but she wanted more than that. Something about sniffing her underwear . . .”

“Fifty Shades of Grey, nice.”

“I didn’t do it,” I interrupted Derk before he could go any further. “I’m not the kind of guy who can stand there, sniff a pair of panties and pull it off. I’m not alpha enough, even though I like to think I am at times.”

“You didn’t sniff the underwear?”

“No, I didn’t sniff the underwear.”

“Dude, you should have sniffed the underwear.”

What was with people?

“Why on earth would I have sniffed the underwear? Have you sniffed Delaney’s underwear? I wouldn’t rip my boxers off and ask Rosie to sniff my trunks. You just don’t do that.”

Derk sighed on the other end of the phone, as if to say, this stupid, stupid man.

“We’ve known each other for a while, Henry, and I’ve always admired your ability to read the situation and act appropriately, but you f*cked up.”

“Because I didn’t sniff her underwear?” I shouted, so confused as to why this was even a thing.

“Not because of the act of not sniffing, but because you didn’t show that you cared enough to sniff.”

If I was animated, my head would have detached from my body and spun around five times right about now.

“Let me get this straight.” I pinched the bridge of my nose as I spoke. “By sniffing her underwear, I would have showed that I cared about her?”