The Poison Season(68)

“I’m sorry I woke you,” she whispered, placing a small kiss on his shoulder. “I just needed to see you.”

“Is everything all right?”

She shook her head and closed her eyes, and he could see tears slip down her cheeks in the moonlight.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his heart breaking at the sight of her crying. She always seemed so strong and confident. He didn’t know what to do with her like this, raw and vulnerable as an open wound.

“It’s nothing,” she said, but he could hear her struggling not to sob. “I just... I don’t want you to go, but I also know you can’t stay.”

He rolled over all the way, and she buried her face in his chest, her tears cool against his bare skin. “Did something happen?” he asked gently.

“Not yet. But I’m terrified it will. And I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.” He wrapped her in his arms, realizing for the first time how little she was. She was like an egg in his palm; he could crush her, if he wanted to. And while some small, selfish part of him wanted that, wanted to hold on to her so tightly she could never leave him, the vast majority of him wanted to cradle her like some precious, delicate thing, to make all the hurt go away, to shelter her from the world and everyone in it.

Eventually, her tears subsided amidst his soothing words and tender touches, and then something shifted. She kissed him once, hesitant at first, as though she was confused by how her sorrow could have transformed so quickly to something else. But Jaren understood. He was sad and frightened, too, but he needed her. Out there, in the real world, he might have listened to the conventions of society that said they should wait until they were older. But he knew there could be no waiting. They would never have anything other than this moment, and if it was greedy to want her, then he was greedy. If it was selfish to need her, then he was the most selfish person in the world. How could he let her go, when he’d only just found her? Why shouldn’t he consume all the happiness he could, when it was such a fleeting, elusive thing?

Jaren had never asked for much out of life. He’d only wanted the security of his family. He had no big dreams of seeing the world or aspirations to make a name for himself. He hoped his sisters would find happy marriages, that his father would find solace in his new life in Bricklebury, perhaps even a new wife of his own so he wouldn’t have to be alone when the children left. And yes, Jaren knew he wanted to start a family of his own one day, but he had never dared to imagine this kind of joy. In truth, he hadn’t even known it existed.

He had meant what he said before, about feeling found. The furious, constant spinning in his head quieted when he was with Leelo. That terrible longing he’d been trying to fill his whole life was sated in her presence, and the only longing he felt now was the sweet, sharp craving of wanting more of something wonderful. Of wanting, and knowing that she wanted him, too.

He opened his eyes to find her looking at him, and they both stopped for a moment, their bodies pressed closer with each breath. She sat up and raised her arms above her head, waiting for him to help with her dress. As he set it aside, she reached for the blanket to wrap around herself, then seemed to realize there was only one.

“Are you cold?” he asked her gently.

She shook her head.

He took the blanket from her and smoothed it on the floor, where they lay down beside each other. In the moonlight, her hair and skin were luminous, as if her entire body had been dipped in liquid silver. Her kiss-swollen lower lip was caught in her teeth, and it felt like the entire universe was there in that tiny gap between them.

The feeling in his chest was almost overwhelming. How could one person change his entire sense of purpose just by looking at him? How could a single touch make him forget everything he’d ever known? Could he even really fall in love in a matter of days?

As she lowered her mouth to his, he decided that he could, because he knew without even the slightest doubt that he had.



Chapter Forty


Leelo woke to the twittering of birds in the trees, realizing with a start that she was not home in her bed. She’d fallen asleep in Jaren’s arms.

She sat up abruptly, rousing him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice thick with sleep.

“We fell asleep!” Leelo pulled her dress over her head and tied on her boots as quickly as she could. “I’m supposed to be Watching this morning.”

Jaren blinked blearily. “What time is it?”

“Nearly dawn. I have to go.” She glanced back at him, his cheek swollen and lined from where it had pressed against her in the night, his hair tousled from her fingers. She felt that swelling in her chest again, a feeling she knew now was love. She bent down to kiss his cheek. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

He grabbed onto her wrist, but it was a gentle tug. He knew she couldn’t stay. “I’ll miss you.”

She smiled down at him. “Me, too.”

Outside, the cool morning air helped clear her head. She started jogging toward home, telling herself that it would still be all right. She could sneak inside and change before Sage noticed she’d been gone. She could always lie and say she’d slept in Tate’s bed.

As she ran, she couldn’t help remembering last night. Jaren had been so gentle with her, like she was a girl made of glass, as Sage said. She’d had to be the one to take charge, to assure him that she would not break at his touch. She’d never asked him if he’d been with a girl before, and he had never asked her about her experience. She suspected they were both new at this, which had been comforting, in a way. There had been no pressure, only mutual wonder and desire. And even though she knew that she had just allowed herself to fall even farther toward some inevitable end, she had no regrets or doubts about her decision. In another world, she would have spent forever in his arms.