The Pisces(66)

“Wow, sounds like they really got you, didn’t they?” I laughed.

“I don’t know if they did or didn’t. But do you want to know what’s the weirdest? The strangest thing of all? I don’t want men anymore. I feel finished.”

“Wow.”

“They say that you don’t hit rock bottom until you hit rock bottom. Lucy, what if this is it?”

“What if it is?”

“All I can tell you is that I feel so bloody free right now!” she said, adjusting her hospital bracelet.

“I’m so glad for you, Claire,” I said. Then I began to cry.

“Oh no, what’s wrong?”

“Please. You have to help me. I am in so much pain. Theo is gone forever and I don’t know what to do,” I said.

“The swimmer?” she asked. “What happened?”

“He left,” I said. “He just left and I don’t think he’s ever coming back.”

“Oh love,” she said.

“What do I do?” I asked.

“Ignore him,” she said. “Ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not pursue. In your mind, you have to literally give him up.”



“If I give him up do you think he will come back?”

“They always come back if you give them up—especially, as we know, if you find other cock. But what if you don’t do that? What if you don’t replace him with anyone? You don’t have to give him up just so that he will come back to you. You could give him up just to give him up.”

“Why?”

“Well, for one thing, it might behoove you to sit with yourself for a while.”

Who was this talking?

“So that’s it? Just give him up and sit?”

“None of these wankers are worth the pain,” she said. “You have to dump them on the roadside and let them rot there.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. “He didn’t fuck me over. It was me who hurt him. It was me who lied to him, not the other way around. This isn’t like the other ones. This time I’m in control. Sort of.”

“You asked my advice and I’m giving it to you.”

“I can’t do that,” I said. “I need love. Or if it’s not love, then the power of that feeling. I love it. I love love. It’s the only thing I have.”

“Oh, Lucy,” she said. “You have a lot. It’s like your tits.”

“What?”

“Your tits. You always say that you have no tits. But really, your breasts are ample. They’re more than enough.”

“I want a D cup. Metaphorically.”

“And I want a thousand giant cocks. Or I think I do. But it’s a lie. Because even a thousand cocks would never be enough. And it’s crazy to think that they would. The fantasy is a lie.”

“But I am crazy. And I don’t want to live without the fantasy,” I said.

“You can do it. We can do it together.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Suit yourself,” she said.

“Can I just tell you one more thing?”



“What is it?”

“Jamie got that woman pregnant. They’re moving in together.”

“No! The scientist?”

“It’s true.”

“How the hell did that happen?”

“They were fucking.”

“No, I mean—oh Lucy, I’m so sorry.”

“I know. How can I go back to Phoenix and face them?”

“You can and you shall. Let’s just pray it totally destroys her pussy.”

“She better get fat as hell.”

“Well, now he’ll really be pining after you.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yes. Nothing brings out a man’s quest for escape like a lactating woman with somebody else doing the sucking.”





49.


As I left the hospital, I wondered if Claire was right. Was it possible that she had started seeing more clearly than me? The way she looked at me now was the way I had looked at Diana and at her before: lovingly, but full of pity. I decided it was she who was to be pitied. She had given up on the thing that made her most alive, even if it made her the most crazy. I knew the old way still sounded beautiful to her. But in an act of self-preservation, she was walking the path back to safety and sanity now. Even for Claire, the pain had just gotten too great.

Of course, this was today. Who was to say where she would be next week or next month or whenever she got out? For now she had convinced herself, or maybe done more than convinced herself. Maybe she had actually healed a little. But just because you had healed, it didn’t mean the men could no longer get you. Love and lust were latent in her, lurking. For now she was free of the insanity. The cocktail of meds had certainly helped. I wondered if what she felt on the cocktail was as good as romantic obsession, better than that sparkle. You had to feel something truly heavenly to get over the chase. The chase was everything, all the hope and possibility of life. Very little else would ever be enough. Love itself would probably never be enough. You had to have the moment of almost touching, almost fucking, the moment right before he enters you for the first time, all the time.