The Music of What Happens(62)

As Max drives east on Van Buren, back toward home, we try to look at the bright side.

“At least we sold some,” I yell up from my seated position on a cooler in the aisle behind him. My words are carried away by the open passenger-side door.

“I guess,” Max yells back, and I hear the words more clearly than I expect. That’s when I realize we’ve come to a stop. I look out the window. We are not at a light.

“Shit!” Max yells. “Shit shit shit.”

“What happened?”

“Poultry is not in motion,” he says.



Max has to turn off the truck as we wait to be towed. We sit there in the stagnant heat, watching cars go around us. Most of the drivers give us the finger as they go by. As if we’re just taking a rest in the middle of two-lane Van Buren Street.

“This is where the no-tell motels are,” Max says.

“You mean like hookers?”

“Yup.”

“Firsthand experience?” I ask, and he punches me lightly on the shoulder.

“Got some shit to figure out,” Max says, and I realize that this is karma. Our hubris. I celebrated too early. I have no idea what this will cost, but suddenly more money is going out than coming in, and who knows how long it will take to make the truck legal and drivable again.

“That we do,” I say. “Gotta look up homeless shelters for me and my mom.”

“Don’t say that,” Max says, but he doesn’t contradict my statement either.





A fairly accurate recording of the first-ever meeting of me and my Amigos and Jordan and his wives. In the style of a play, because Jordan is rubbing off on me.

Max: You made it! Hey!

Pam: Did you think we’d die getting here? Get struck by lightning? A meteor? Yes we made it.

Jordan: Chill. I think he was just saying hi.

Pam: Don’t tell me to chill. You chill. Bitch.

Max: Okay. So …

Kayla: Hi, sweetie. [Hugs Max] We have heard so much about you recently. Including the obvious lie that you are not doing the nasty with our husband.

Jordan: Kayla!

Pam: I mean, for real. Sure. You’re not fucking. That makes total sense. Right.

Max: So … um, Pam, Kayla, meet my buddies. We call this guy Betts. Real name Ron Betts. You choose what to call him, or better yet just ignore him because, well, you’ll see. And this is Xavier Rodriguez. Goes by Zay-Rod in these parts.

Pam: Hey.

Kayla: Hey.

Betts: What up.

Zay-Rod: What up.

[Awkward silence lasting perhaps twenty seconds …]

Max: So …

Jordan: You keep saying that.

Max: Someone’s gotta say something.

Pam: So awkward. This is why I don’t make new friends. So it doesn’t feel like this ever.

Kayla: Yeah, THIS is the reason you don’t make new friends. The ONLY reason. Nothing about your personality.

Pam: Bitch, I will throw you in the dryer and put you on spin cycle. Bitch, I will haunt you all your life and terrorize your children.

Zay-Rod: [Laughing] So you are basically us.

Pam: What?

Zay-Rod: You’re us. Jordan is the misfit [points to Max], she’s the one with all the privilege who thinks she’s all that [points to Betts], and you’re the hot one.

Max: Hey!

Jordan: Hey!

Kayla: Hey!

Betts: Hey!

Pam: Hi!

Betts: Privilege my ass. Straight white men are the new minority.

Max: Why are you so stupid?

Pam: Why haven’t I seen you around?

Zay-Rod: I seen you.

Pam: Yeah?

Zay-Rod: Yeah.

Kayla: Does this mean I’m stuck with this idiot?

Betts: I’m not an idiot.

Kayla: You’re not NOT an idiot.

Betts: True.

Zay-Rod: You like to hang out?

Pam: Depends.

Zay-Rod: On?

Pam: [Smiles]

Kayla: Jordan, you need to stop this before it starts, and she doesn’t listen to me. Tell Pam she cannot get with this boy because you’re with his friend and that leaves me with this guy and he’s not viable.

Betts: What? How am I not viable? [Flexes his biceps]

Kayla: [Pointing with a finger and then circling with it in Betts’s direction] Um. This.

Betts: Oh please. Like you’re so hot.

Kayla: No. You. Didn’t.

Pam: No. You. Didn’t.

Betts: What? You just said the same thing to me.

Zay-Rod: Read the room, B.

Betts: I’m telling you. Straight white men are the new oppressed class.

Max: He was dropped on his head a lot when he was a kid.

Zay-Rod: And he continues to fall on his head which is why it’s so misshapen.

Max: Oh snap.

Betts: At least I’m not … [Pauses, looks around, stomps a foot] Damn it. I got nothing.

Kayla: Aww, poor baby. [She goes behind him and rubs his shoulders]

Betts: Oh. Okay. New strategy. Um, I’m a loser baby …

Kayla: [Laughs] Better, yeah. I cannot take that bravado stuff. Makes me nauseated. I like a man who knows he’s less than.

Betts: Oh I’m less than …

Kayla: Yeah, but this is never, ever, ever going to happen, so maybe just stop trying? No offense.

Betts: [Rolling his eyes] None taken.