The Hired Girl(124)

“I suspected.” It was Mrs. Rosenbach who spoke, breaking the spell. “I sensed she was a child; I felt her wanting a mother.” She raked her hands through her hair. I recognized the gesture; David had inherited it from her. “I ought to have —” Her voice hardened. “No. Why should I blame myself ? The girl looks eighteen and she lied. I wanted to believe her. I wanted a hired girl, not another child to raise.”

She reached behind her neck and gathered up her loose hair, twisting it pointlessly into a knot. The knot wasn’t becoming to her; it made her look respectable, but haggard and ruthless. “David must go to Paris. It’s all arranged, and he needs something to do. As for you, Janet — what’s your real name?”

“Joan,” I said. She went on waiting until I finished it. “Skraggs.”

Mimi breathed, “No wonder!”

Mrs. Rosenbach ignored her. “Miss Skraggs, if my son has been kissing you, and buying you gifts, you had every reason to believe you were engaged. But there will be no engagement. If there is any tie between you and my son, it must be broken off. Do you understand me, David? Your father will not send you to Paris if you consider yourself attached to this girl.”

David released my hands. He mumbled, “I understand.” His cheeks were red with embarrassment.

“Miss Skraggs, you will catch cold, standing in that wet dress. Go upstairs and take a hot bath. You may sleep here tonight. After Yom Kippur, we’ll decide what must be done with you. If you’re fourteen years old, you ought to be with your family. I can’t believe your father isn’t worried about you.”

Your family. There was a second when I couldn’t think what she meant. Then Father’s face swam before my eyes, and I remembered the life I left: the isolation of the farm, the drudgery, the empty future. “No! I won’t go back!”

Mimi added her voice to mine. “She can’t go back to the farm, Mama! It’s too cruel! Her father’s mean to her. He burned her books and he shoots cats!”

“We’ll discuss this after Yom Kippur.” Mr. Rosenbach came and patted my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Janet. We’ll find a new place for you, a good home; never fear.”

That’s when I began to cry in earnest. I realized I’d lost everything: David, my heart, my pride, even my job. I covered my face with my hands and wept. Malka took me by the elbow and led me from the room.

I did what Malka told me. When she ran me a hot bath, I got into it. She brought me one of her nightgowns and a pair of heavy wool socks. The socks were too big and the nightgown pulled across my chest. But the things were warm and dry, so I put them on and crawled into bed. I dragged the bedclothes over my wet head. I wanted to sleep, to be out of pain.

But I lay awake a long time, sobbing. I hated myself and I hated David. I thought of how I’d offered myself to him, and I writhed with shame. How shocked Miss Chandler would be! And Father Horst; he would think me the most wretched and depraved of sinners. And Ma, oh, poor Ma! She tried to warn me about men, but I didn’t pay attention. She saved all that Belinda money, so I could escape from the farm, but here I was, about to be sent back, all because of my own folly.

Then I cried because I wanted Ma. I cried until my nose was stuffed up and I couldn’t breathe. But I guess I cried myself out, because unconsciousness claimed me, and at last I slept.

It was still dark when I woke up. The skin on my face felt raw, and my mouth was dry. I was chilled with that queasy kind of cold that you only get very early in the morning, when you’re not supposed to be awake. I thought it might be four, maybe four thirty.

I tried to think what to do. I remembered Mrs. Rosenbach saying that they would send me back to the farm, and Mr. Rosenbach saying patronizingly that they’d find me a good home. A good home, as if I were a stray cat! I wasn’t fit to marry his son, but he’d find me a good place — somewhere else where I could keel the pots and dust the books I’d rather read. All at once my temper rose.

I slid out of bed and put on my dress. It was nasty-sodden, but I’d made up my mind what to do. I’d go to Corpus Christi and wait until Father Horst came to unlock the church for early Mass. Father Horst would help me escape from the Rosenbachs. With luck, I’d get away before they had a chance to send me back to the farm.

My mind was clear and hard, ticking off what I had to do. I’d go down to the kitchen to get my boots and stockings. Then I’d slip out the back door. The biggest snag in my plan was that all my things were back at the Marlborough apartment building. I’d left Anna’s easily enough, but it wouldn’t be so easy to get back in. I checked the pockets of my dress, but I didn’t have a cent.