The Fire Between High & Lo (Elements #2)(32)

I sat on the right side of the bed, and my knees bent up to my chest. I choked on each breath I took. The air in the room was stuffy, toxic, dead. My need to cry grew heavier and heavier as my body shook. Just looking at Logan broke my heart into a million pieces, but I didn’t shed a tear. “I’m fine,” I finally said, feeling in every bone of my body that I wasn’t.

“Can I hold you?” he asked.

“No,” I said coldly.

“Okay,” he replied.

I looked down to my shaky hands, my mind jumbled. “Yes.”

“Yes?” he asked, his voice heightening a bit.

“Yes.”

His hand landed on my shoulder before he climbed into the hospital bed and wrapped me up into his hold. I shivered when I felt his fingers touch my skin for the first time in a long time as his fingers wrapped around me. “I’m sorry, High.”

His touch was so warm…

You came back to me.

The tears fell down my cheeks. My body was shaking uncontrollably as Logan held on strong, refusing to let go of me any time soon. Our foreheads fell against one another, and his warm tears intermixed with mine. “I’m so f*cking sorry, High.” We stayed wrapped together, feeling the world on our shoulders, until we both fell asleep.

He came back.

When I awakened to find him still holding me, as if I were his lifeline, I turned my body to face him. He was sleeping; his inhales and exhales almost a whisper. My hands moved to his hands and I locked our fingers together. He stirred a bit before opening his eyes.

“Alyssa, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know you were—I didn’t…” I’d never heard such vulnerability in his voice. The Logan who left my house weeks ago was so detached from me, from his emotions. But now, hearing him cry as he wrapped his hands around my face made the little bit of my heart that was still beating shatter. “I shouldn’t have gone off the deep end. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve talked to you. But now, because of me—because of me…” He buried his head into my shoulder as he lost himself. “I killed him,” he said, speaking of the baby. “It’s my fault.”

I took my hands and cradled his face the way he held mine. “Logan. Don’t do this to yourself.” I could almost feel the blame he felt as his eyes spilled out with emotion. I nestled my head against his neck and my hot breaths melted against his skin. My hooded eyes were exhausted and I blinked a few times before closing them and muttering against his ear. “Don’t do this to yourself.” I couldn’t hate him. No matter what happened, hating Logan wasn’t something I’d ever be able to do, but loving him? That love was always going to be there. We’d figure out how to move on from the terrible tragic accident together. It was us against the world, we’d stand together.

“I’m leaving,” he said, pulling himself together, wiping his eyes dry.

I sat up, alarmed. “What?”

“I’m leaving. I’m going to a rehab clinic in Iowa.”

My eyes lit up with anticipation. Earlier Kellan told me about the rehabilitation clinic, and we both really hoped Logan would take the ninety-day course. It wouldn’t take away the pain that we were both suffering through, but it would help him learn to handle it in a better way. “This is good, Lo. This is good news. And then when you come back, we can start over again. We can be us again,” I swore.

He frowned, shaking his head. “I’m not coming back, High.”

“What?”

“When I leave True Falls, I’m not coming back. I’m never coming back to Wisconsin, ever, and I’m never coming back here.”

I slightly pushed away from him. “Stop it.”

“I’m not coming back. I always end up hurting people. I ruin lives, High. And I can’t keep messing up yours, or Kellan’s. I need to disappear.”

“Shut up, Logan!” I yelled. “Stop saying that.”

“I’ve seen how these things happen. We’d get on a routine, on a hamster wheel where we go round and round, and I keep screwing up your life. I can’t do that to you. I won’t.” He pulled himself up from the bed, then he stuffed his hands deep into his pockets. He shrugged once, giving me a broken smile. “I’m sorry, High.”

“Don’t do this, Lo. Don’t leave me like this,” I begged, taking his hands and pulling him closer to me. “Don’t leave me again. Don’t run. Please. I need you.” I couldn’t get through this without him. I needed him to help me learn to stand again. I needed his voice late at night, I needed his love early in the morning. I needed the one person who had lost what I lost to mourn with me. I needed my most painful low to stay by my side.

His lips kissed my forehead once, and then he whispered against my ear before turning around and leaving me shouting his name.

The last thing he said to me were words that played over and over again in my head. Words that cut me deeper than anything else could’ve. “I would’ve been shitty,” he whispered against my ear, sending chills down my spine. “I would’ve been a shitty father. But you?” He swallowed hard. “You would’ve been the best mother. Our child would’ve been honored to be loved by you.”

And he was gone.

With those simple words, and his fading footsteps, I found out what it meant for a heart to truly break.