The Fill-In Boyfriend(81)

He relaxed his arm and let the ball fall to the ground. My hand still gripped his for two beats before I realized and let go, taking a step back to put some space between us.

“I have trust issues,” he said to the ground.

“After Eve and Ryan, I’m sure you do.”

“I messed up.”

“I know.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“I haven’t decided what I want yet.”

He raised his eyebrows then went still. Like for the first time since our fight he thought that maybe there was hope for us. “What’s the deciding factor?”

I tried not to smile when I remembered we’d had this conversation before on the way to Eve’s party. But back then we were talking about whether I was going to call Bradley back or not. Whether he was going to get back with Eve or not. “Right now, I guess.”

He nodded slowly. “I can give you lots of reasons why you should probably just walk away.”

“Oh yeah?”

“The first one being that I called you a liar when I’d been lying too.”

“That’s a good reason,” I said.

“Yes. The second one is that I have the world’s worst taste in friends.”

“You seem to.”

“And I’m still not sure what that says about me.”

I wanted to reassure him, but I still hadn’t made any decisions and reassuring him would only make him think I had.

“Plus I like you too much.”

Why did that statement make my heart race?

He clenched and unclenched his fist. “And that scares me because apparently those trust issues I mentioned before extend to not even trusting myself or my feelings and that can only mean I’m going to hurt you. Again. I don’t want to see you cry. It rips my heart out. I’m an idiot and I’m sorry.”

I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to stare at him looking so vulnerable. He was listing reasons not to like him. These weren’t reasons to throw myself into his arms like my entire being seemed to want to do. “Before you,” I started slowly, “I had a plan. I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew myself. I knew how every week of the next four years of my life was going to play out. But now I don’t have the roommate I was supposed to have or the boyfriend or the plan. It’s gone. I don’t know what I want anymore.”

“You don’t know what you want?” His voice was husky.

I opened my eyes expecting to see him staring at me with that smoldering look he had perfected at prom but it wasn’t that look. It was a soft, open look. One that wasn’t an act. I shook my head. “No, I know what I want. I want to go to college, with or without the roommate I always thought I’d have.”

He nodded.

“And I’m going to use my scholarship to study political science and hope that I can make a difference in the world one day.”

He smiled.

I took a step toward him, and when he didn’t step back, I took another. I put my hands on his shoulders. “And I want . . .”

He let out a breath, his entire being seeming to relax. “Don’t do it unless you mean it,” he said, repeating a line I’d used before.

I smiled. “I mean it.” I took his face in my hands and pushed myself to my toes.

Before our lips met he said, “I feel like this is the biggest buildup to a kiss ever. That no matter what I do you’re going to be disappointed.”

I laughed. “Should we play Twenty Questions?”

“How would that work in this situation?”

“I could try to guess your preferences.”

“My preferences in a kiss?”

I nodded, our faces still very close together.

“My preference is simple—you.”

“That was not a yes-or-no answer. You just broke the ru—”

He cut me off by pressing his lips to mine. They were so warm that my whole body seemed to melt against him. He slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, deepening the kiss as he did. My hands found his hair, not needing an excuse to touch him this time, knowing I could do this whenever I wanted.

A shiver went through me and he smiled against my lips. “So, not a disappointment?”

I didn’t answer, just kissed him more.





CHAPTER 37





We sat on the ground, our backs pressed up against the Camaro, our shoulders pressed together, tossing a baseball back and forth between his right hand and my left.