The Casanova (The Miles High Club #3)(109)

I begin to pace, back and forth. What do I write back?

The worst part is, I already know what a friend would say.

A friend would tell him that he should go to her, that he should follow his gut feeling and find out if she’s the one he’s been searching for all along.

That he’s stupid if he ignores his heart, because it’s never wrong.

How could he ignore this sign and be with another?

But I love him.

My chest hurts and I sob out loud.

A deep sense of dread fills my every cell.

I walk into the bathroom and turn the hot water in the shower on, climb in, and cry.

It’s 3 a.m. I lie in the darkness.

A sense of dread is slowly pumping through my veins as if the hope is draining out, and I know that life isn’t fair sometimes.

Over the last month I’ve been happier than I’ve felt in years. Elliot brought me into his home, shared his farm animals, and showed me what it felt like to be truly cared for. He introduced me to his family and for the first time in a long time, I felt included, as if I were one of them.

The thought of not seeing his family again is another dagger to the heart.

Elizabeth.

I know that I’m standing on the precipice of heartache, and I can’t even begin to understand the depths of the darkness that await me if he goes.

I love him.

Maybe more than I love myself, because his happiness is what I want above all else.

I want him fulfilled, and what good is he to me if his heart is with her? I get a painful lump in my throat because, deep down, I know the truth.

It was always with her.

Oh . . . This hurts.

The worst part is, I can’t even tell him that I know.

This stupid fucking game of online chatting we play . . . has come back to haunt me.

This is what you get for lying to someone, Kate.

I deserve everything I’m getting and then some.

I’ve deceived Elliot for weeks, and I knew it was wrong and I was going to tell him, but the right time never came around.

I thought it was harmless, I now know it’s not.

With a shaky breath I get up and open my computer. I write to Ed.

You should follow your heart Ed.

A message bounces straight back. Why is he still awake?

I don’t want to hurt Kate.

I screw up my face in tears. Too late.

The computer screen is blurred.

It’s your heart that you have to live with, follow it.

Kate would want you to be happy.

She loves you.

Xoxo

Hello darkness, my old friend.

It’s been a while since you graced me with your presence, I can’t say that I’ve missed you.

I sit at my desk and stare out the window. It’s 3 p.m. and I haven’t heard from Elliot.

I don’t expect to.

A million emotions have run through me: sadness, regret, anger . . . but mostly disappointment.

I can see it so clearly now—he and I had fun, but he was always searching for the dream, the fairy-tale ending.

And I’m not talented or special, least of all extraordinary.

It was never me.

And I hate that for a brief moment I forgot that—it hurts.

I remember the love that we made, the laughter we had. The tenderness we shared.

It felt so real.

Like a fairy tale to me, only better.

My eyes fill with tears and I blink them away.

Maybe he won’t go?

Paul walks past and glances in and then stops in his tracks and comes back. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” I fake a smile with a subtle shake of my head. “Sorry, just had some bad news about a relative.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“No,” I answer way too fast, I don’t want Elliot to know that I know. “I’m fine. Just a bit teary, don’t pay me any attention.”

“There’s some birthday cake in the staff-room fridge, you want some?”

I smile, grateful for the kindness. “I do. Bring the whole damn thing.”

It’s 11 p.m. and I sit at the window and stare out over the street.

The house is quiet for the night and my facade has dropped. I went out to dinner with Daniel and Rebecca tonight and had to pretend that everything was great between Elliot and I.

I couldn’t tell them what I know or how, and I’ve been lying to them about my Pinkie persona too.

This situation is one big fucked-up deception and I deserve to have my heart broken alone.

And maybe if Elliot cared enough to want to see me, I would tell him so.

But he doesn’t.

Because he’s at Enchanted thinking about her.

My eyes well with tears and I close them in regret. I hate this, I hate the whole fucking thing.

A car comes around the corner and I watch it slowly pull in and park. Elliot gets out.

Oh no.

Shit.

I run and dive into bed, pick up my phone: five missed calls from Elliot.

I hear a knock downstairs and then Daniel’s voice.

I pull the blankets up over me and pretend to sleep, my heart racing hard and fast, and I inhale deeply to try and calm myself down.

My bedroom door opens and Elliot comes in and sits beside me on the bed. “Babe,” he says softly, “are you awake?”

I roll toward him and he takes my face in his hand and I stare up at him.