Sweet Forty-Two(57)

For a few minutes more I listened to my mother, not an ounce of waver in her voice, discuss with me that treatment was to start in a week. She’d need my help to drive her to and from the hospital, and while the treatment itself only lasted a few minutes, they’d keep her in observation for a few hours afterward before releasing her. Two times a week for three weeks was the plan, evaluating progress halfway through.

“I’m getting a coffee, do you want one?” My mom stood and I nodded.

A moment later, she returned with two hot cups of coffee. We both drank it black, which allowed us to get drinking as soon as humanly possible in the morning.

“What happens if you get lost there?” I asked, staring into the steam swirling off my cup.

“Where?”

“In the ... haywire. What if it doesn’t work? What if you’re stuck in that faraway place forever?” The end of my sentence was cut off by a rogue sob breaking through my restraint.

My mom left her seat and slid in next to me, bringing my forehead to her shoulder as she squeezed me closer and I continued crying.

“Then,” she sighed and sniffed away some of her own tears, “we’ll always have this moment. Right here.”

She squeezed harder, and I cried harder. Until the sun went down in my little slice of the Mad Hatter’s tea party, I cried in my mother’s arms, certain these moments were on borrowed time.





Regan

It twisted my stomach watching Georgia’s car drive away with Rae’s letter inside, but I knew it was safest that way. I wasn’t always levelheaded in the emotional department. I knocked on the doorframe to Bo’s room, where he was sitting and strumming his guitar.

“Hey, bro, come in.” Bo set his guitar down and smiled, waving me in.

I sat on the edge of the bed. “Your fingers have to be getting raw. This recording schedule is brutal.”

He laughed. “It’s definitely not for the faint of heart, but isn’t it great to be creating on a regular basis?” He stretched his arms overhead and leaned back in his chair, cracking his back.

“It is. I’m happy we have today off, though. I’m exhausted.” I knew better than to think it was from the schedule. It was from that damn letter, keeping me up at night with its endless possibilities. I wasn’t telling him yet, though.

“Well you’ve been rock solid in rehearsals, dude. I’m psyched you agreed to come.”

I nodded and he leaned forward in his chair. After some heavy silence, I took a deep breath.

“What’s up?” Bo asked, scrupulously studying my face.

“I miss her, Bo.”

Bo was understandably taken back by my admission. It was obvious, and expected, sure. But, I never talked about it. Not since shortly after returning from Ireland three months after burying Rae.

He reached out and put his hand on my knee, smile still on his face, but eyes clouding over. “I do, too.”

“Of course you do,” I stood, pacing the length of the room, “you’re her brother. I shouldn’t even be dumping this on you.”

“Dude,” Bo stood, crossing his arms and shrugging, “I don’t own the rights to grief. Nor do I want to. We all lost someone when she died. The whole goddamn world did.” He sniffed and cleared his throat.

I sat back down. “I know, man, but ... damn. I go along thinking everything is fine, then I’ll have a flash of pain, like real pain, like someone is stabbing me, or punching me, or kicking me, or all three at once...”

Bo sat next to me, his arms still crossed. “Yeah. Sometimes, for me, it’s like someone’s holding my head under water. When I finally fight my way up and catch some air, I look around and realize I’m alone in the middle of the ocean.”

“You’ve got Ember.”

“I do. She rows by in her boat every time. But, I’ve learned to swim, too, Regan.”

I cracked a smile. “Did your therapist give you all of this water imagery?”

He punched my arm. “No, smartass, but it’s true. You know she’d want more for you than for you to wade around just keeping your head above water.”

I nodded. “You’re right. I feel like I do okay with that most of the time.”

“How’s the place in La Jolla?” Bo was as stealthy about changing the subject as I was.

“It’s great. But, you know how it is with our schedule lately ... all I really do is sleep there.”

“How’s Georgia? I saw her here earlier. Everything okay?”

Not particularly.

“Everything’s fine. We just had a misunderstanding, but it’s all good now.”

“Well, I think I’m going to catch some sleep now, but maybe we should all go down to E’s tonight. I’d like to see her again—she seemed really fun. Maybe check with her to see if they have any sets available tonight?”

I shook my head. “You’re a machine, dude.”

“I’ve never been able to, like, do this for a living. I want to soak it all in while it lasts, you know?”

I don’t know if he was aware of the double meaning of his statement as he said it, but he seemed to be about a second later. Time is not something to be wasted. Not a second. Rae lived her life with a precious urgency. I realized that in the time I’d spent replaying our relationship. It was injected in her soul to take each day and own it. I needed to get on with owning some.