Sweet Forty-Two(15)

“What the hell, man...” I made sure he was looking directly in my eyes as I spoke. If he wasn’t, he likely wasn’t hearing me.

“Nothing, I just ... gotta sit this one out, okay?” His glare rose back over my shoulder. I looked to find him eyeing the guy who was still talking to Georgia, even as she served customers around him.

His accent was thicker than usual, which meant one of two things. Either he was drunk, though I knew he wasn’t. Or, unfortunately, he was looking for a fight.

“Want me to go over with you?” Bo and Ember were ready to play “Foolish Games” so I could play or sit out, as well.

He shook his head, setting a firm, hot hand on my shoulder. “No, it’s cool.”

“CJ...”

“Regan, I’m not seventeen, okay? You don’t need to hold my hand. I just need to ... just let it go.” He gave my shoulder a squeeze that I’m sure he meant as reassuring, but it wasn’t.

I watched him edge his way to the bar, but he went nowhere near Georgia, or her end of the bar. He sat on the far side, but never took his eyes off the guy I’d only seen once before, and was fairly certain CJ didn’t know.

“Hey,” Bo stepped between me and Ember, who I didn’t realize had taken her seat next to me, “what’s his deal?”

“God, who the f*ck knows? He insists he’s fine.”

“Well, whatever,” Ember sounded irritated still, “we’ve only played one song and we’ve officially been on stage for like eight minutes. This shit’s unacceptable. Let’s goooo.”

I arched an eyebrow in her direction as I looked at Bo, who just shrugged with a slight grey expression pulling over his face.

What the hell was up with everyone tonight?

“Okay,” I sighed, “‘Foolish Games’?”

“Yep.” Ember nodded, settling onto her stool. She usually stood while she sang, but she always, always sat for this song. It was like it was too much emotion, or something.

“Let’s go.” I winked at Ember as I mocked her tone from earlier. She allowed a small smile, gave Bo a thumbs up, and he began the piano intro.

There’s no official violin part written for that song, so I kind improvise as needed, usually in the chorus. Ember’s voice was mournful and I eyed her with concern. With her eyes squeezed shut, she may as well have been a closed book—she held everything in her eyes. Something was wrong with her. Big time.

Not only was she uncharacteristically bitchy to Georgia— someone she barely knew—but she was fidgety and unfocused between songs. Concern rose as I tilted my head to view Bo. I caught him look up at Ember once before taking a visibly deep breath, and looking back at his hands, his eyes closed for long blinks every few seconds.

Everything started turning in counter-clockwise motion around me. Out of nowhere, I was brought back to last summer when I’d rehearsed this song with Ember. Suddenly, Rae’s laughter looped through the spaces between my strings as my hand shook. She was beautiful. She was kind.

She was f*cking gone.

For six goddamn months I’d been able to keep it at bay, the feeling that my chest was being unzipped, one bloody layer at a time. The feeling that once it was finally open, everything that mattered would spill out, and I’d be swallowed into it. I trusted my fingers and hands to finish the song as my chest and stomach volleyed between churning and free-falling. Beads of sweat sprung across the back of my neck as my head began a slow ascent over the rest of my body.

Panic attack.

I’d heard Bo talk about them with Ember sometimes at night when they were sitting outside and I was making tea before bed. Something about his hands going numb. Not being able to breathe...

I needed to finish the song and get the hell outside before I lost my shit in the middle of a group of strangers.

My eyes darted to CJ, but fell first on Georgia who was standing right next to the guy CJ had been eyeing as he swallowed a pint of Jack and Coke. This guy had a tight buzz cut. He was tall and lanky, roughly my build, but he had big hands. Really big.

The only reason I noticed how big they were, I realized a second after we played our last note, was because one of them was pulled back in the air, seeming to hover for a second over Georgia.

Before I could register what was happening, CJ blasted through the people between him and Georgia like he was a snowplow in a blizzard. I can’t be sure it was real, given I was in the throes of a massive panic situation, but it looked like people were cast aside like rag dolls.

“Shit!” Bo growled as he brushed past Ember. “Stay here,” he commanded her.

With world still working in slow motion around CJ, who looked like a wild animal, I was moving just as slowly, turning back around to see him reaching for the guy’s neck.

Fuck.

I clumsily handed my violin to Ember, who grabbed hold of it before it hit the floor. Bo made it to CJ before I did, breaking the force of CJ’s hands with his forearm. Just enough time for me to get there and pull CJ’s arms behind his back. All of a sudden my ears worked again. Two too-short bouncers busied themselves with the drunk guy I heard Georgia call Dex as he spit in her direction.

CJ’s voice attacked my senses loud and fast.

“What the f*ck did you do to her, you bastard?” he yelled over and over as if repetition would give him the answer he needed.