Sweet Fall (Sweet Home #2)(49)

The incessant scratching of his pencil on the pad of paper was grating on my nerves—scratch, scratch, scratch—branded into my brain.

“The cheerleading is going well, Dr. Lund. It’s my passion. It has always been my passion. When I dance, I feel free.”

“You are dancing on a sharp-edged sword, Lexi. You know it was your trigger back in high school. What if the same thing happens again? What if another boy you like calls you fat in your uniform? Will you be able to handle that kind of criticism? Are you strong enough to handle any jibes directed your way?”

“Yes,” I said sternly, but my stomach rolled in guilt. It was already happening. Not taunts from football players, but from the voice inside.

Come back to me, Lexington. If you come back, if you lose more pounds, you will never fear cheerleading again. You will never have to lie to the squad, like you know you are about to do. You know the cheerleading is beginning to take its toll.

Breathing through the voice’s words, I tried to focus on Dr. Lund’s mundane questions.

“And your personal life? How is that going?” He continued.

“Fine,” I replied and began picking at the chipped black nail polish on my fingernails.

“Any boyfriends? Have you managed to make yourself vulnerable to anyone yet, or is that still an area you are unable to explore?”

My eyes widened in embarrassment and set on Dr. Lund. He sat back, surprised, his dark eyebrows raised.

“That was an interesting reaction, Lexi. Would you care to talk about why that question brought out such a strong response?”

Lowering both hands, I gripped the wooden arms of the chair. “I’ve… I’ve met someone,” I confided as I felt the blush surge over my face.

“And when was this, Lexi?”

“A couple of months ago.”

Dr. Lund’s eyebrows arched once more. “A couple of months ago?”

I nodded my head and watched the disapproval wash across his face. “We have had no less than six sessions within the last eight weeks, and you mention this only now? This makes me worry, Lexi. What are you hiding about this boy?”

I averted my gaze out the window and felt my heart squeeze as I watched two children playing in the play area outside, the little girl trying to pin down the little boy and kiss him. She was brimming with confidence.

I prayed that same little blond girl didn’t grow up to be insecure. That she didn’t count calories religiously before putting a spoonful of food in her mouth, check the nutritional information on packages for the carbs, the sugars, the saturated fat. Didn’t hide her true beauty because she couldn’t stand the sight of her natural face. Didn’t freak out when that same little boy who is showing her so much affection as a six-year-old grows up and wants to kiss her some more… Didn’t grow up to let a throwaway comment from that boy she liked rob her of her childhood and shred her self-esteem.

“Lexi, keep your focus,” Dr. Lund said strictly as he glanced out the window at what had captured my attention.

Rubbing my hands down my face, I replied, “We… had a… bumpy start. He has… issues too. But lately, things have become more serious between us. I think? I’m not sure. We haven’t really talked about what we are to each other yet. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or… well, whatever we are to one another, before, so I never said anything about it to you. I’m still trying to understand it all myself.”

Since returning from Tennessee, I had met up with Austin every night. Every single night. His momma had just been discharged from hospital, but while she was still here, Austin would visit Chiara and I would have my sessions. Then we would spend a few hours in our garden, holding hands and innocently kissing under the stars.

Austin knew where he could touch me now. We’d found that my collarbone too was a trigger, but Austin simply maneuvered around my problem areas, never making me feel shame or embarrassment about my disorder.

Dr. Lund leaned forward and placed his clipboard on the table beside him, his hands in a steeple as his elbows rested on his knees. “And are you comfortable around him, Lexi?”

Shifting uncomfortably on the seat, I nodded my head. “I am. We’ve done nothing too far, of course. But we’ve kissed some… touched some…”

“And?” Dr. Lund pushed, seeming surprised by how forthcoming I was being.

“It was… difficult at first, you know, because of my triggers, but I told him about my past, and he respects my boundaries. It’s getting easier with him. Day by day, he’s bringing down my walls.”

Dr. Lund suddenly straightened in his seat and I frowned.

“What?” I asked in response to his peculiar reaction.

Dr. Lund regarded me strangely before he asked, “You told him about your past?”

Nodding my head slowly, I answered, “Yes.”

A slow grin spread across Dr. Lund’s face. Dr. Lund had many expressions: stern, concerned, intrigued, but never overtly impressed.

“Lexi, we have been having these sessions for years. In that time, the people who have knowledge of your disorder, the people you have told about your disorder, I can count on one hand: your daddy, momma, Daisy, of course, and me. You have not told your best friends at school, Molly, Cass, and Ally, because…?” Dr. Lund trailed off and waited for me to answer.