Stepbrother Dearest(58)

Soon after, the phone rang, and I was sure it was Greta.

Dread set in after I realized it was my mother.

She called me to say she was back in California, that she’d been released from rehab. I panicked because she shouldn’t have been alone in her state of mind. I didn’t know what to do because I knew I had to go back right away now.

I didn’t want to leave Greta.

But I had to go.

I texted her to come home from her date, that something had happened. Thankfully, that time she listened.

I knew I had to tell her the truth about why I was leaving. When she came to my room, she looked so beautiful in a blue dress that hugged her tiny waist. I wanted to take her in my arms and never let her go.

I told her as much as I could about Mami that night because she needed to know that it wasn’t my choice to leave.

Everything was happening so fast. I told her to go back to her room because I couldn’t trust myself. After much coaxing, she finally listened. It really was my intention to do the right thing and stay away from her that night.

I was alone and missing her already even though she was just in the next room. I decided to open her letter, expecting to find some grammatical corrections and small critiques about my book.


She said things in that letter that no one had ever said to me in my entire life, things I needed to hear: that I was talented, that I inspired her to follow her own dreams, that she respected me, that she cared about me, that she couldn’t wait to read more, that she fell in love with my writing, that she was so proud of me, that she believed in me.

Greta made me feel things I never had before. She made me feel loved.

I loved this girl, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

Without thinking it through, I knocked on her door and decided to give her what she’d asked me for.

I could go into details about all of the things that Greta and I did that night, but to be honest, it’s not something I feel comfortable writing about because of how much it meant to me. She trusted me enough to give me something that no one else will ever get. That night was sacred to me, and I hope she realizes that.

The one thing I will say is that I will never forget a certain look on her face. Her eyes had been closed, and it was the way she opened them and looked at me the very first moment I was fully inside of her.

To this day, I still haven’t forgiven myself for leaving her the next morning. I’d never felt so attached to anyone. She had fully given herself to me. She was mine, and I threw her away. I let guilt and some deep-rooted need to protect my mother in order to justify my existence win over my own happiness.

I don’t think Greta ever realized that I loved her long before that night.

As I write this, what she definitely doesn’t know is that a few years later, I came back for her, but it was too late.





CHAPTER 19



He’d come back for me?

My hand covered my chest as if it were going to keep my heart from leaping out of it.

It was now mid-morning, and the hustle and bustle of the daily grind could be heard from my window. The sun was pouring into the apartment. I’d already called out of work earlier because I needed to finish this book today.

Tonight was a 30th birthday celebration for a co-worker at a downtown nightclub, and I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to put it down long enough to go.

I walked to the kitchen to have some water and forced down a granola bar. The energy would be much needed to get through this next part.

He’d come back for me?

I curled back into the couch, took a deep breath and turned the page.



***



You have to treat addiction to a person the same way you would a drug problem. If I couldn’t be all in with Greta, then I couldn’t have any contact with her at all because that would have caused me to spiral out of control.

Even calling or texting wasn’t going to be possible. It seemed harsh, but I wouldn’t have been able to handle even the sound of her voice if we couldn’t be together.

That didn’t mean that I wasn’t pining for her every single day. That first year was hell.

Mami was no better than before I’d gone to Boston. She kept interrogating me for information about Randy and Sarah, stalking Sarah’s facebook page and accusing me of being a traitor after I admitted that my stepmother wasn’t all that bad once you got to know her. I couldn’t even mention Greta’s name because I didn’t want my mother to look her up or suspect anything. Mami was back on sleeping pills, and I had to watch her like a hawk.

I was right in my assumption that she could have never handled even the thought of my being with Greta at that time. It was a sad irony: Mami was obsessed with Sarah, and unbeknownst to her, I’d become obsessed with Sarah’s daughter. We were quite the f*cked up pair.

Not a day went by without my having a thought about Greta with another guy. It made me crazy. I was so far away and powerless. Ironically, there was a side of me that wished at the very least, I were able to protect her as my sister even if we weren’t together. Sick, right? But what if someone hurt her? I wouldn’t even know about it and couldn’t beat him down. And forget about the thought of her f*cking another guy. I’d actually punched a hole once in my bedroom wall just thinking about that.

Then, one night, I lost control and texted her that I missed her. I asked her not to respond. She didn’t, and it made me feel worse. I’d vowed never to repeat that mistake.