Sorta Like a Rock Star(42)

CHAPTER 15





I do not go back to school.


I lose fifteen pounds.


I am always cold.


I become very jumpy; any old noise will scare me horribly.


Donna tries to get me to see a therapist, but I refuse.





I cannot stand listening to Ricky’s autistic nonsense, and I yell at him a lot—until he finally gets the message and just leaves me alone in my room.





I decide to quit being Amber Appleton, which isn’t to say that I change my name or anything. I just decide that I can’t keep living the way I used to live—swinging for the fences, believing that things are going to work out, that everything is worth fighting for, and that I am brave and strong enough to change my reality, because I’m not and I can’t.

Joan of Old was right.

I get her now, and what she said about life being a hell that I was only beginning to experience—that makes sense suddenly.





CHAPTER 16





I’m not a kid anymore.





CHAPTER 17





Ty, Jared, and Chad-in-a-backpack come over to Donna’s and—in my new bedroom—they say a lot of dumb things.

At first, they say they are sorry, and ask what they can do, and when I don’t say anything, they get sorta fidgety, and start talking about the recent Halo 3 games they have played in The Franks Lair, and how they are organizing an all-night video game tournament to help the football team raise money for new safer pads and helmets and other sundry equipment.

This seems important to them.

Back in the day, that news would have pissed me off, because Lex and company are obviously just using my boys—but listening to Ty, Jared, and Chad go on and on, I can’t even shrug.

I just stare at my boys with what I suppose is a very blank look on my face until they leave.

That night I tell Donna I don’t want to see Ty, Jared, and Chad anymore—but she doesn’t respond to my request.





CHAPTER 18





Father Chee jogs to my house every single morning and comes up into my bedroom—even on Sundays, before he presides over Mass.

He never fails to show up.

If I am up, he’ll ask if I want to talk.

For weeks, I do not want to talk, so FC just sits next to me for an hour, and we sorta breathe together.

We just sit on the edge of my bed breathing, occupying the same space, which is okay with me, because I really like my Man of God, even if I am mad at God Himself.

If I’m not up, or if I am pretending to sleep, or if I am just lying there like usual, staring at the ceiling, Father Chee will kneel by my bed and bow his head.

If I ask him what he is doing, he’ll say he is lifting me up to God, asking God to help me be whoever I need to be at this moment of my life.

He comes every day, and I don’t mind his coming.





CHAPTER 19





Franks sends me a card that reads:

Dear Amber,



We were very shaken by the news.



I am always here if you need me.



We miss you down in The Franks Lair.



I’m praying for you, and will be looking forward to your return.



Be well,



Franks



I throw his card away.

I throw away all of the flowers and cards from classmates and community members.

I don’t even sniff or open any of those.

I do not want any of these flower arrangements or sympathy cards to exist, so I ask Donna to burn them in the backyard, but I never see any smoke rising past my window, so I don’t think she is honoring my request.





CHAPTER 20





This zombie-type mom in need of extra cash starts coming to “tutor” me, since I’m not going to school right now.

She’s large.

She smells like mothballs.

She never laughs or smiles or tells a joke.

She reminds me of a robot caked in meat.

Her name is Mrs. Redman.

My real teachers give her assignments that I am supposed to complete. At first, there are little handwritten notes on the assignments—encouraging words from my real teachers—but these notes disappear after a few weeks or so, which is when I realize that my teachers have given up on me. It didn’t take them very long.

Because I still want to go to Bryn Mawr, I do all of my assignments and show Mrs. Redman my work three times a week when she comes to visit me.

She gives me all A’s, even when I answer incorrectly on purpose.

I think she is afraid of me, or something.





CHAPTER 21





“Father Chee?”

“Yes, Amber?”

“Why does God allow men to go mentally insane?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’ll never lie to me, will you?”

“No.”

“Promise me. That you won’t tell me lies like everyone else. That you won’t BS me.”