Somewhere Out There(79)
Brooke glanced around. “We’re alone?”
“Yep. Kyle put the kids to bed, and he’s gone upstairs, too.”
“You sure he doesn’t mind?”
“Of course not,” Natalie said, hating that her husband had made Brooke feel that he might not be okay with her back in the house. Natalie shifted her position on the cushions until she was comfortable. “Okay. So, start from the beginning. Tell me everything.”
She gave Brooke an encouraging nod, and then listened as her sister, in slow, halting sentences at first, described meeting Ryan and the months they’d spent together with Brooke staying in the shadows because of his impending divorce, and how that was fine with her because she never let the men in her life get too close to her anyway. As she became more comfortable telling the story, her voice relaxed, and she told Natalie how she’d discovered she was pregnant, her at-home tests and subsequent trip to the clinic, how she’d felt when she heard the baby’s heartbeat. Finally, she detailed Ryan’s reaction when she told him she planned to keep the baby.
“I just don’t know what I should do,” Brooke said. “If I can be a good mother.”
“I think a lot of women feel like that with their first pregnancy,” Natalie said. “I know I was terrified I’d screw Hailey up. Or at the very least, drop her on her head.”
“Really?” Brooke asked as she sniffled and wiped her cheeks with a tissue from the box on the coffee table.
“Absolutely. It’s totally normal to be afraid. I think it just shows how much you already care. When Henry came along I was much more at ease, because I knew what to expect. It’s the unknown that’s scary.”
“But I don’t have a clue about any of it. Being pregnant, childbirth, breast-feeding or bottles, or what kind of diapers I should use. Not to mention where I’m going to live. I can’t keep a baby in my shitty little apartment.”
“I highly doubt your place is shitty. I also don’t think you have to decide all of that right now. Certainly not tonight.” Natalie gave Brooke what she hoped was a comforting look. “How far along are you?”
“Almost fifteen weeks.”
“Okay,” Natalie said. “So, first thing, we need to find you a doctor. And get you on prenatal vitamins.”
“I have a doctor. She scheduled an amniocentesis for me next week, since I’m over thirty-five.”
“All right, good. I can go with you, if you want.”
Brooke lifted her eyes back to Natalie’s face, her chin trembling. “Why?”
“Why, what?”
“You don’t even know me. Why do you want to help?”
“Because you’re part of my family.” Natalie felt her own jaw tremble then, and she had to struggle to keep back her tears. “That’s what sisters do.”
Brooke stared at her for a moment, unblinking. “You want to find her, don’t you.” It was more a statement than a question, spoken in a dull voice.
Natalie cocked her head to one side. “Find who?”
“Our mother. That’s the whole reason you found out about me. You were looking for her.”
“Well, yes. Sort of. I wanted to know more about her, but once I knew you existed, I started to look for you, too.”
“And now that you’ve found me?”
Natalie searched Brooke’s face, wondering just how much either of them resembled the woman they were discussing. Other than their petite builds, she and Brooke didn’t look much like they were related. Now that she knew they’d had different fathers, Natalie had come to terms with the fact that she’d likely never meet hers. But her birth mother was different. It was she whom Natalie felt compelled to find. The woman who held her, took care of her for six months, and then just walked away.
“I do want to look for her,” she finally replied, and Brooke closed her eyes. “I’m sorry if that upsets you, but I want to understand why she did what she did. Especially now, knowing you were already four when she gave us up. I want to know how a mother could do something like that. Why she did something like that.”
“Does it matter?” Brooke said, opening her eyes again. “She did it. She neglected us. She left us in her car alone all of the time. I don’t remember a lot, but I remember that. I remember going to find her because I was so scared and seeing her getting screwed over a desk in some strange man’s office.” She gripped her fingers together tightly in her lap. “That’s the kind of mother we had, Natalie. And I don’t want anything to do with her.”
Natalie was quiet then, absorbing everything Brooke had just said. Did she really need to find this woman Brooke described? Maybe having her sister in her life would be enough; they would have each other and why their mother gave them up wouldn’t matter. But then something dawned on Natalie. “Maybe it will help you,” she said. “Seeing her again. You could confront her, tell her how much she hurt you. Maybe it would be cathartic. Make you feel better about having this baby.”
Brooke shook her head. “I doubt it.”
It struck Natalie then that however empty she’d sometimes felt growing up as an adopted child—however many faces she’d compared her own to in a crowd, knowing she had a birth mother out there somewhere in the world—she’d never know the hollow existence Brooke must have had spending all those years fundamentally alone. Natalie’s parents, whatever their mistakes, at least always made sure she knew how deeply she was wanted and loved. She couldn’t imagine the rejection Brooke had faced as one foster home after another sent her back to the state. She couldn’t fathom the kind of damage that had done to a little girl’s heart. No wonder her sister was guarded; she was always poised for disaster, waiting for that next destructive wave to crash over her and pull her out to an uncertain sea.