Somewhere Out There(16)

As the hour passed, I stared at my daughters, determined to etch every detail of them into my brain. I memorized where Brooke’s hair parted—on the right, her shiny dark curls sprouting out of her scalp like springs. The exact shade of her eyes, the way her nose turned up, just at the end. The cinnamon freckles sprinkled across her cheeks. I kissed all of Natalie’s fingers and toes, blowing raspberries into her belly to hear her giggle one last time. I looked into her brown eyes, seeing my own gaunt reflection there. Don’t forget me, I thought. Please. Don’t forget how much I love you.

All too soon, the door opened, and the silver-haired woman reappeared. “Hour’s up,” she said, and Gina and I both stood. Shaking, I held Natalie against the left side of my chest, feeling the rapid, sweet beat of her heart against mine. Brooke clung to my right leg, pressing her face into my thigh, away from the woman. Every cell inside my body screamed the word no.

“Time to say good-bye,” Gina said, quietly.

I felt a thousand pinpricks inside my lungs. Do it quick, I thought. Rip off the Band-Aid. I squatted down to Brooke’s level, which forced her to let go of my leg. “Hey, pumpkin,” I said. “I’m so happy I got to see you.”

“I don’t wanna go,” Brooke said, her eyes shiny with tears. “Please, Mama. I wanna stay with you.”

My bottom lip quivered, and I bit it. “I know you do. But it’s against the rules.” I paused. “I love you more than anything. You know that, right?” She nodded, pushing her face into my neck. I could feel her tears.

“Here,” the silver-haired woman said. “Let me take the baby.” She took a step over toward us, and that’s when Brooke screamed, lashing out her arm to hit the woman on the knee.

“Brooke!” I said, unable to keep back my own tears. “You know better than that. It’s not okay to hit!” Natalie began to cry, too, and I held her tighter.

“It’s fine,” the woman said, holding out her arms for Natalie.

I stood up, and I couldn’t help it—I took a step back, twisting at the waist so Natalie was out of the woman’s reach. Even though I knew I’d agreed to all of this, I felt a fierce need to protect my baby. I wanted to grab both my daughters and run.

Gina appeared at my side. “Jennifer,” she said. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

I looked at her, the pain I felt dripping down my cheeks, until I finally relented, first peppering Natalie’s face with kisses before I handed her over. “It’s time for you to go, honey,” I said to Brooke, again dropping down to her level. I hugged her tightly, cupping the back of her head with my palm. “I’m so happy you came to see me. Be a good girl and take care of your sister.” My heart felt ragged and torn—sawed in two.

“Come on, sweetie,” Gina said, carefully extricating Brooke from my embrace. “Say good-bye to your mom.”

“Noooo!” Brooke cried, squirming as violently as she could, the way I’d taught her to get away from a stranger.

“It’s okay, baby,” I said through my tears. “You’re going to be fine, I promise. You’re going to be okay.” I tried to reassure her—and myself.

Brooke struggled against Gina as the other woman lifted the car seat, where she’d harnessed Natalie once again, even as my younger baby shrieked.

“I’ll be right back,” Gina said. “I’m just going to help them out to the car.”

A male guard stood at the door, holding it open as they began to leave. A jagged sob ripped through me. “I love you both so much,” I said. “Don’t forget your mommy loves you!”

“Mama, please!” Brooke screamed as Gina took her into the hallway. Her voice echoed and bounced, shooting through me like arrows as I stood alone in the room. “I want my mama!” she cried, over and over again. Her tears were razors, slicing open my skin.

“Wait!” I said, rushing toward the door, only to have the guard grab me.

“Back up, inmate,” he said, as I pushed against his strong arm, straining so I could see my girls one last time.

“Mama loves you!” I cried out again, but Brooke had stopped talking by then, dissolved into an indecipherable auditory tangle of screams and tears. I leaned hard against the guard’s arm, staring at the backs of the silver-haired woman and Gina as they walked down the hall. The last thing I saw was the flash of Brooke’s lavender blanket, and then my daughters turned a dark corner and were gone.

? ? ?

The next few days passed by in a blur.

I remembered Gina hugging me when she returned to the room, murmuring words too dull and meaningless to help. I remembered stumbling back to my bunk, the other inmates calling out names like “*” and “f*cking crybaby,” none of them knowing the magnitude of what I’d just lost.

I remembered feeling like I wanted to die.

I spent my days curled fetal on top of the scratchy gray blanket on my bed, fists tucked up under my chin, my face shoved into the pillow. Sobs racked my body, and I wept what felt like an endless stream of tears. Every time it seemed like I might stop, that I could control my grief, my sharp, hiccupping breaths, it would rise back up, washing over me in a wave with a violent undertow, pulling me down, down, and down. My babies’ faces haunted me. Their cries echoed through my bones.