Somewhere Out There(15)

As though on cue, the door swung open, and a woman with long silver hair entered, carrying Natalie in a car seat and holding Brooke’s small hand. “Mama!” my older daughter shrilled, racing toward me. “Mama, Mama, Mama!”

“Oh, honey,” I said, opening my arms as she threw herself full force into them, clambering up into my lap. Tears blurred my vision and I buried my face in her dark curls. She was warm and smelled like green apple shampoo; she wore a green-and-blue plaid dress, brown saddle shoes, and clean, white tights. I can’t do it, I thought as I hugged her, kissing her sweet face. I can’t. What the hell was I thinking, that I could give this up? It felt as though I’d agreed to have two perfectly healthy and functional limbs lopped off. From that point on, I’d be an emotional amputee.

The silver-haired woman stepped inside and set Natalie’s car seat on the floor next to me. “I’ll be back in an hour,” she said, and Gina thanked her, moving a chair to the corner. She had already told me she couldn’t leave me alone with the girls, that this final visit needed to be supervised. Another reminder of just how unfit a mother I was.

“Where have you been?” Brooke asked, her voice muffled against me. Her small fingers dug into my back. “I missed you so much!”

“I missed you, too,” I said, choking on the words. I looked down at Natalie, who had her big sister’s lavender blanket tucked around her. She’d already changed so much, just in a month. She was bigger, and had more wisps of light blond hair. Her cheeks were rounder and more pink than I’d ever seen, and she had even sprouted two teeth along her lower gums. As soon as she saw me, she began to cry, wriggling under the constraints of the harness. I leaned over, still holding Brooke, and with one hand managed to unhook her and lift her up to my lap with her sister. My girls, I thought. My sweet, innocent girls.

“I want to leave,” Brooke said when she finally looked up and around the room. She sniffled. “I don’t want to stay here.”

“It won’t be for very long,” I told her. “We just get to visit for a little while.”

“And then we get to leave,” Brooke said, her dark eyebrows scrunched together with determination.

“Yes,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t ask if we would go to the same place. I kissed the top of her head again, as well as Natalie’s. “How are you, sweetheart? Are you okay? Is the house you’re staying at nice?” Brooke shrugged, but didn’t answer, so I tried again. “Why does Natalie have your blanket?”

“So she won’t cry,” Brooke whispered.

“Wow,” I said, and my jaw trembled. “What a good big sister you are.”

“I have my own bed at Rose and Walter’s house,” she said. “And Nat-ly has a real crib. With a mattress and everything.” She had reverted to using her baby voice, transforming her little sister’s name into two syllables instead of three, something she only did when she was truly upset.

“Oh,” I said, hating that my daughter saw having a mattress as a luxury. “That must be so nice.” I paused. “Do you like Rose and Walter?”

Brooke nodded, slowly, looking a bit unsure.

“It’s okay, baby,” I said, sensing she was worried she might be hurting my feelings. “I’m happy you like them. I want you to have good things.”

Brooke visibly relaxed. “They have lots of toys. And food, too.” She babbled on for a while about all the different things Rose cooked for them, and which ones she liked the most. I listened as best I could, jiggling Natalie with one arm while encircling Brooke with the other, but there was a siren blasting in my head, causing my thoughts to blur. Someone else is feeding them. Someone else is picking out their clothes and kissing them good night. I will never get to do that again. I’ve lost them. My eyes glossed with tears.

“Where have you been?” Brooke asked me, jerking me out of my thoughts. “Why haven’t you come get us?”

I stole a glance at Gina, who gave me an encouraging nod. “Well,” I began, then cleared my throat. “I’ve been here, sweetie. I can’t come get you. Mama made some big mistakes.”

“But I want you to. I don’t even care if we have to go camping. I want to be with you.”

“I want that, too,” I said, wishing I knew the right thing to say. Wishing I could soothe her. “A judge said that Mama has to be in here while you stay with Rose and Walter.”

“Like when I have to be in time-out?” Brooke asked, and I nodded. Gina had told me earlier that Brooke was too young to understand if I tried to explain what was really happening, that she’d do better if I just hugged her and kissed her and told her I loved her so much. “She’ll adjust,” Gina said. “She’ll figure it out.”

“Hey,” I said, thinking distraction would be the best way to change the subject. “Want to read a story?” I nodded in the direction of the corner with the basket of toys, where a small stack of tattered books rested on the floor.

A few moments later, I had both girls in my lap as I read to them, cherishing the feeling of their small, warm bodies pressed against me. Brooke covered both herself and Natalie with her blanket, her fingers working the satin trim for comfort, as I knew they would. I read them all the silly, meaningless stories, and then we read them again. I asked Brooke to point out different colors and letters as we went and let Natalie pat the pages with her chubby starfish hands. Will they remember this? I wondered. Will this moment be something that lives inside them the way I know it will live inside me?