Second Chance(2)

“Sorry to intrude,” he said, pausing in front of Jack. “But are you okay? Is there anything I can do?”

Jack jerked his head up in surprise. His pale cheeks flushed as he shook his head. “Not really. Just having a bad day. You know how it is… or maybe you don’t.”

“I do.”

Nate studied him. The years had changed Jack, of course, but the essence of him was still the same. Sharp features, the strong nose Jack had always hated, even more defined with age, but more balanced now with dark stubble and the lines that the years were beginning to carve around his eyes and mouth.

As Jack stared back, Nate realised there was no recognition dawning on Jack’s face. To Jack, Nate was a stranger. Five years on testosterone had changed Nate to a point where Jack couldn’t see the person Nate had been before. Normally this was something Nate was glad about, but now he felt a pang of regret.

“I can see it,” Jack finally said.

“What?” Nate asked.

“That you understand. That you know how it feels. Depression.” Jack gave a harsh chuckle. “I hate that word. I’m still learning to say it aloud. It was always something that happened to other people, but it finally got me.”

Nate sat beside him, head whirling. Should he tell Jack who he was? He wanted to, but the temptation to stay quiet was too strong. As soon as Nate told Jack, he’d see him differently. Of all people, Jack was the one who Nate wanted to see him as just another man.

Jack broke the silence again. “So, are you better now?”

“Yes.”

“How long did it take for meds to work for you? I only started them about a week ago. They warned me I might feel worse before I felt better. They weren’t kidding.”

“Meds didn’t help me,” Nate said, then quickly added, “my situation was different. But for most people they work well, and I’ve heard it’s usually only a few weeks. So hang in there.”

Transition had been what Nate needed to heal him. Once he’d given up trying to pretend to the world—and to himself—that he was female, his depression and anxiety had lifted like the mist that dulled the landscape around them. Everything was brighter now, more in focus. He was living the life he was supposed to have, instead of going through the motions of one he’d been allocated rather than chosen.

“Yeah. I will. Not got a choice really.” Jack got out another cigarette and cursed when the wind blew out his lighter. He lifted the edge of his coat to shield himself from the wind, and Nate was reminded vividly of all the illicit cigarettes they’d smoked behind the sports hall at school. Despite having given up years ago, Nate felt a sharp desire for the rush of nicotine in his bloodstream.

Cigarette lit, Jack leaned back, his posture more relaxed. “So, you local then?”

There was another moment of internal conflict as Nate considered how to answer, but he couldn’t bring himself to disclose his history. Not now. Not to Jack. It was as though they were two strangers meeting for the first time and he couldn’t resist the powerful urge to let the conversation unfold and see where it took them. “Yeah. You?”

Jack exhaled a plume of smoke. “Yeah, sort of. Lived here long?”

“I moved here a few months ago.” That much was true. If Nate mentioned he’d been brought up here that would lead to questions he didn’t want to answer.

“Like it?”

Nate shrugged. “I suppose. I miss the city—I was in London before—but it’s quiet here. Peaceful.” He looked up at the sky, which was darkening now, the short winter day already coming to an end.

“Yeah. I guess peaceful is one word for it. Boring-as-fuck is another way to describe it. I grew up here and couldn’t wait to escape. City life suits me better. I lived in London for a while, then Sheffield, and then Manchester most recently. And now I’m stuck here again; back living with my mum and dad at the age of forty-five. How sad is that?”

“It happens.” Nate was living with his mum too. In his case it had been a choice, though. Jack’s situation was obviously different.

“I should be grateful they took me in. We’ve never been close, and I’m not exactly easy to live with at the moment, but I’m working on getting my shit together.” Another drag on his cigarette. “I’m taking the meds and looking for a job. Trying to give up smoking too, but that’s not going too well—as you see.” He flashed a sidelong grin at Nate and the years dropped away. The conspiratorial expression was painfully familiar and Nate responded just as he always had; the tug of longing a thread that connected them. Only the connection had only ever been one-sided. Jack had never thought of Nate like that. He’d loved him, sure, but only as a friend. That was why Nate had eventually cut contact—for his sanity. Being friends with Jack had been too painful when he’d wanted so much more and could never have it.

“You’ll get there,” Nate managed. Then he stood abruptly. “I’d better go; I have somewhere I need to be. But good luck with everything.”

“I might see you around?” Jack sounded hopeful.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Nate gave a tight smile, knowing it was inevitable in a small community like theirs. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“Thanks for the pep talk, man. I needed it.”

“You’re welcome. Bye then.” Nate turned and tried to look casual as he walked away.