Second Chance(11)

“You never hung out with the girls at school much,” Jack said. “You always got on better with the boys.”

“I only really hung out with you, though. The straight boys used to flirt with me and I hated that because I just wanted to be mates with them and they never saw me that way.”

Jack grinned. “I guess that’s why you liked being with me then. There was no danger of me hitting on you.”

Nate forced a smile he wasn’t feeling. “Yeah, exactly.” Although Jack was right in some ways. Nate’s friendship with Jack had been a refuge. With Jack he hadn’t had to try to follow the complicated rules of female friendships, and he hadn’t had to deal with unwanted advances. Of course with Jack, Nate would have welcomed that kind of attention. “Although you did get me to kiss you once. Remember?”

Jack’s eyes widened. “God, yes. I’d forgotten.”

Nate’s cheeks heated and he cast his eyes down at the table, circling an old ring mark on the wood with his fingertip. “Anyway, where was I?”

“You said you started seeing a therapist.”

“Oh yes. So anyway, he started asking me all sorts of difficult questions that I didn’t want to answer. And through that I gradually came to realise that I needed to face my fears and transition. Ignoring and trying to suppress it was fucking me up. So, here I am.” Nate shrugged.

“And are you happy? No regrets?”

“None at all. I feel… better.” It was still hard for Nate to put into words how transition had changed him. “It’s as if I’m finally me, and before I wasn’t—even though I didn’t realise it. It’s like I hardly existed before, because when people looked at me they saw what they expected to see and not who I really was.”

“That’s wonderful.” Jack smiled. “And you look great, Nate. Really good.” His gaze roved over Nate in a way that might have made Nate uncomfortable if he hadn’t looked so genuine. “Being a guy suits you.”

Nate flushed. “Thanks. I like it. I recognise myself when I look in the mirror now.”

“So you take testosterone? Is that something you have to do forever? Sorry if that’s a really stupid question.”

“It’s not. And yes, I need it forever since my body can’t make its own. I’ve been on T for five years now, so my second puberty is just about over.”

“Wow, that must have been weird.”

“Yeah. I was glad when the acne passed, that’s for sure.”

Jack laughed. “I bet.” There was a pause, and then he asked, “So… I assume you don’t have a partner given that you’ve moved back here. But are you seeing anyone? Do you date?”

“I’m single at the moment,” Nate said. “I was seeing a guy in London before I moved back here, but it was only casual so we went our separate ways. I’ve been dating on and off since I had chest surgery but never anything serious.”

“So you’re into men? Or are you bi?”

“I’m gay.” Nate picked up his drink. It was mostly gone now, but Jack’s glass was still half full, so he only took a small sip.

“When did you have chest surgery?” Jack asked. His gaze flickered down to Nate’s torso where the flatness of his chest was obvious in his T-shirt.

“Three and a half years ago.” Nate had been so relieved when it was over. Even though he’d known he needed it, it had been hard to imagine how he’d feel afterwards. He’d been afraid it might take him time to adjust, or that he’d feel a sense of loss despite his desire to ditch sports bras and binders. But when the dressings had come off after surgery he’d felt wonderful. It was as though a constant noise he’d been living with for years had suddenly stopped, and in its place were peace and an overwhelming sense of rightness.

“So… uh….” Jack paused, looking uncomfortable.

“I think I can guess what’s coming,” Nate said with a wry smile. “It’s what people always want to know.”

Jack flushed. “Sorry, sorry. I know it’s none of my business.”

Nate shrugged. “No, but you didn’t actually ask me so I’ll let you off. I hate it when strangers quiz me about surgeries, but you’re not a stranger.”

“Aren’t I?” Jack’s lips turned up at the corners and he raised an eyebrow.

“Not exactly. You’ve just got a bit of catching up to do.” Nate grinned. “So, anyway. I haven’t had any other surgery. I decided I didn’t need it.”

“Was it a hard decision?”

“Not really. I’d have had to wait to have it anyway, so there was no rush to make up my mind. But once I’d had chest surgery I felt okay. Not perfect—but who ever feels perfectly happy with their body?”

Jack snorted. “Not me.”

“Exactly. I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t wish something was different. And I can live with what I have, so if I had surgery it would only be to impress other people. Frankly if a guy is so hung up on body parts that he doesn’t want to date me because I don’t have a cisgender dick, then I don’t think I’d want to be with him anyway.” Nate said the words with confidence, but he watched Jack carefully for a reaction.