Saugatuck Summer (Saugatuck, #1)(83)
I shook my head at that. “I appreciate the thought, but I can’t be obligated to anyone, Jace. I’m trying so f*cking hard to get free of all that—”
His mouth tightened, and now he was starting to look pissed off. “Okay, what part of ‘no strings attached’ translates to ‘obligated’ for you?”
“There’s always an obligation.” I fixed my gaze on a spot on the floor, unable to look at him. I’d learned that lesson well. “No one does anything for anyone else without expecting something. Whether they insist you sit on their lap so they can play pocket pool with you, or stand there trapped in the corner while they ride you down until you feel absolutely f*cking microscopic, or even just let them dictate your choices, there’s always a cost when you let someone do something for you, even when they volunteer.”
“Christ, Topher,” Jace whispered, looking away. When he looked back, there were tears in his eyes, and suddenly I f*cking hated myself. “Is that really how you see the world? How you see me?”
“Oh shit. No.” I scrubbed my hands down my face. “No, Jace, no. Not you. Not you. I just—” No words would come to me. They were all lost in a formless maelstrom of fear and a yearning so powerful it ached. I wanted to rush to him and kneel at his feet and wrap my arms around his waist and let him hold me there against his belly until I felt safe. But I also wanted to tell him to go far, far away so I could rebuild all my defenses.
In the end, all I could do was stare at him, pleading wordlessly for understanding.
He looked back at me for a long moment, pain evident in his eyes. “Your whole life, not one single person you’ve loved or depended on has been worthy of your trust, have they?”
“Mo is,” I muttered miserably. “Look what I’ve done to her, though.”
“I honestly don’t know what to say to convince you to give me the chance to be different. I can’t even blame you for being afraid to try.” He sighed, scrubbing his fingers through his hair almost violently. “Take the money, don’t take the money, it’s up to you. I was thinking I’d attach a well-intentioned condition that you use it to study something you love, something that ignites you, but after what you’ve said I won’t even do that. Study something that pays the bills but leaves you empty inside, if that’s what you feel you need to do. If you’re still afraid of hidden strings, we’ll call it a loan and you can pay me back someday. That way the obligation is out in front, nothing hidden.”
God, he looked so wounded. I would have done anything to take that look from his eyes. Anything. But I stood there staring at him, as though I was trapped at the center of a labyrinth, looking in all directions but unable to decide which one was the way out.
“I’ll level with you, Topher,” he continued after a moment. “I’m absolutely head over heels for you, but I don’t think I can do this knowing you’re always on the alert, waiting for me to let you down. That’s a f*cking self-fulfilling prophecy there. I want to be the exception to the rule, to be the one who shows you it’s okay to trust sometimes, but if you’re not able to truly give me a fair shot, it’s a waste of my time and yours.”
Wow. Part of me wondered if this was some sort of record for length of time it took a maybe-relationship to crash and burn.
The other part of me just hurt.
“So here’s what I’m going to do.” He dropped his hands to his lap, letting them fall on his thighs as if they were too heavy. “I’m going to go get a room somewhere for the weekend, if I can find a vacancy. If not, I’ll crash on Robin and Geoff’s sofa until Sunday, then head back to Chicago. And I won’t come back, though to be quite honest, I’ll probably wait around a while for you once I’m there. But someday—and I don’t know when it will be, so I’m not giving you a deadline—I’ll have to give up hope and move on. In the meantime, if you decide you can try to trust me—really try—call me. Day or night. Anytime.”
Overwhelmed by desperation, I opened my mouth to announce I was ready, but he held up his hand. “No. Not right now. Not to keep me from walking out. I want you to actually spend some time thinking about it before you decide. And whatever you choose, that money’s going to be with Robin indefinitely. It’s yours whether you call me or not, whether or not we ever see each other again. If you want it.” He looked away, his jaw tensing and his eyes shining. “Just try to be happy. That’s all I ask.”
With a sniff, he picked up his bags and walked out.
It took me exactly twelve hours to decide. Some of those were filled with tears. The rest were spent tossing and turning, unable to sleep as I asked myself, over and over, if I was willing to take the risk of letting someone have that much pull on me. If I was willing to make myself vulnerable to the way people treated you when you were indebted to them.
In the end, what sent me scrambling for my phone at four in the morning was that my fear of being without him, of never again feeling the things he made me feel, was greater than my fear of him hurting me.
Are you at the Dunes? I typed the text, then pulled on my clothes as I waited for the answer.
Cottage 10.
I nearly broke land speed records getting there.
He opened the door almost before my knuckles even touched it, and we stared at each other a long, intense moment, asking questions and sending answers too complex to put into words. Then he stood aside to let me in, and shut the door behind me.