Saugatuck Summer (Saugatuck, #1)(51)

“Mo—” I swallowed hard, shaking with fear. I had to find some way to stop her asking questions, because she wasn’t going to let me get away with dodging them forever, and refusing to answer outright would just make her push harder. If she kept poking, sooner or later I was going to crack under pressure and blurt out everything. But for the life of me I could not come up with a lie that wasn’t going to unravel under just the slightest scrutiny, and Mo wasn’t stupid. She’d scrutinize. Panicking, I seized upon the truth, or at least as close as I could come to it without outing Brendan.

“Okay, look. I’m not going to go into a lot of details here because it’s something I’m really still confused and ashamed about. That’s why I didn’t tell you to begin with, but last month I was . . . involved, I guess? Kind of? . . . with someone. More than a one-off, but it could never be a relationship, either. Short-term thing, it wasn’t going to work, it really should never have happened to begin with. It was a bad idea on every possible level. And it’s over now, way, way over, but I’m still a little messed up, you know?”

“Oh my God.” Mo blinked at me. Then she grabbed my arm and dragged me bodily into the laundry room/half-bath off the kitchen, closing the door and pitching her voice low. “Topher, did you f*ck a married man?”

Shit shit shit! She knew me too f*cking well.

Still, I thought, trying to swallow back my panic, she had absolutely no reason to think it was her father, right? That would be inconceivable to her, because while he might have been married, she had no idea he had even the slightest interest in men. I could still do this “tell part of the truth” thing, however cowardly it might be and however much I might feel like a complete sack of shit for doing it. Maybe it would be enough to convince her not to ask for more details.

“Yeah. Okay? Yeah, I did. Married, closeted guy. Bad, bad, bad f*cking idea. It wasn’t anything I ever meant to do or set out to do. I’m not a home wrecker. I mean, hell, how many times did we have that conversation when we went clubbing? Those were always the two kinds of guys I swore I’d never touch, right? Married and in the closet. And I swear, I didn’t flirt with the guy or set out to seduce him. It just . . . happened. It’s over, I’m not seeing him anymore, it’s never going to happen again, but I still feel awful it happened in the first place. So, I f*cked up. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking of sleeping with anyone—even someone who will be gone in a few days, someone who could never be a relationship—until I get my head right.”

“Wow. Topher . . . wow.”

Mo leaned against the door, staring at me as though trying to figure out who I was.

I wished her luck.

“I know,” I murmured, tracing a finger along the edge of washing machine. “I don’t blame you for thinking I’m awful. I know I’m awful.”

She sighed and stepped forward to wrap me in a hug. “Aw, honey, I don’t think you’re awful. You messed up. I can’t say it’s fine, because, I mean, seriously? Topher? Not cool. But it happened and it’s over. I’m not going to beat you up over it.”

My eyes burned as I muffled a sob in her shoulder. I hated myself even more, now. Hated myself for coming this close to the truth and still leaving her room to trust and forgive and comfort me when I didn’t deserve it. She wouldn’t have been hugging me or telling me it was okay if she knew.

I wanted to give her the rest of the story just so this hug and her love wouldn’t be based on a lie. She deserved that. But I couldn’t. Not here. Not with all these people around. Not when Brendan still hadn’t made the choice to come out.

Fuck.

I pulled away, denying myself her comfort and wiping my eyes. “Don’t, um . . . don’t do that. It’s okay to beat up on me. I’ve earned it, I really, really have. And I’m not saying that to passive-aggressively try to make you work harder at reassuring me. Don’t tell me it’s okay. Really. Just don’t. You have every right in the world to be disappointed in me. I f*cked up in a really rotten way that’s probably going to end up hurting people I never wanted to hurt. I know it, and I deserve the consequences. So don’t comfort me about it or try to absolve me, please? I just want you to see why I’m not really at my, you know, sexy best with Jace here today.”

Mo cleared her throat, watching me with gentle concern, but she stood back, no longer trying to embrace me. “Okay. When you’re ready to forgive yourself, I’ll be here and we can talk.”

“Thanks.” I wiped my face again. The tears really did not want to stop.

“That’s why you’re staying with Robin and Geoff, isn’t it?”

Horror punched me in the gut like a fist. Fuck, she’d put the rest of it together!

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“He lives around here somewhere, doesn’t he? That’s why you moved.”

Relief washed over me, leaving me feeling almost light-headed. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s it.” I took a few calming breaths, trying to pick my way through all the emotional extremes to find a coherent thought. “Look, can we just not talk about this anymore right now? I just . . . can’t.”

“Sure.” She offered me a sober smile. “I think I might head up to Big Rapids tomorrow, for the rest of the weekend. I don’t think having me around pushing you to be happy is doing you any favors just now. If you need me, call. You know that.”