Rule(64)

“You don’t know anything about Shaw.  She is in a totally different league than you; she and Remy were both on a far better path than you ever dreamed to walk.”

I just shook my head sadly and jerked my head toward the door.  “Mom you have no clue.  Shaw’s the most loving, kind, compassionate person in the world she would chew off her own arm before trying to put herself above someone she cares about.  She doesn’t give a flip about this path or that path as long as everyone she loves is going somewhere and at the end they are happy.  I’m outta here.  I have shit to do.  Dad it was good seeing you, surprisingly the first three minutes of this visit were pretty good, Rome I’ll be in the truck.”

I turned to walk back down the stairs and out the front door but her chilly voice stopped me cold.  “Stay away from Shaw, Rule.  You’ll just end up hurting her like you did your brother.”

I wanted to tell her it was way too late for that warning that I was beginning to know Shaw inside and out, that she was becoming a critical part of me but I just met her cold gaze with one that I’m sure held resigned sadness.  “Good luck ever getting her back into the Archer family fold with that kind of attitude mom.  Keep it up and it’ll be a cold day in hell before Shaw ever steps foot in this house again.”

“Why she would choose you over this family is beyond me.”

I gave her the only answer there was.  “Because she thinks I’m worth it.”

I gave Rome a bland look and moved around him being careful to avoid my dad.  I didn’t look back to see if either of them followed me but when I got outside I let out a pent up breath and looked at the street blanketed in snow.  Her words hurt, they always had but instead of feeling self-destructive and alone like I normally did I could fully see now that the issues were all hers and there was nothing I could do to change her mind unless she actively sought out help.  Too much time had passed with me playing the role of the accused for me to offer any form of clarity up to her.

“Son,” I was startled at the sound of my dad’s voice.  He had stopped to grab a jacket but followed me to the driveway.  Rome was nowhere to be seen.  I shifted my feet in the powder and shoved my hands deep in the pockets of my hoodie.  “We need to talk about this.”

“So much for this always being my home as well, huh dad?”  I regretted it as soon as I said it.  There was still a little boy somewhere deep inside me that wanted his parent’s approval and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get him to shut up.  “Sorry, that was stupid.”

My dad shook his head and for once I saw genuine remorse in his gaze.  “I had no idea it had gotten this bad with your mother, Rule.  I’m not a fan of the crazy hair or the obsessive tattoos all over every part of your body and it bugs me to no end that you purposely dress like a hoodlum just to annoy us but I’ve never blamed you for what happened to Remy.  You were two very different boys, always were but I loved you both the same.  I heard what your mother said at the funeral but I convinced myself it was just grief, just a mother’s overreaction to losing a child too young.  I honestly thought she would find her way clear of the sorrow and depression but after today I see where Rome is coming from.  We need help, she needs help.  I would never ban a child from my home pink hair, blue hair, green hair none of it ultimately matters because I love you and I just want you to be happy and live a good life.  I would prefer you stop aggravating an old man every chance you got while doing it, but I don’t want you to think that I ever wish it was you and not Remy that night.  It should have never happened to this family, but it did and you are absolutely right that it was an accident.”

I stared at my dad like he was a stranger.  It was cold and I could barely feel my toes but my blood was pumping fast and hard in my veins.  “You’ve never said any of that to me before.  You normally just get mad and leave the room or let mom tear me apart at every turn.”

“You’ve always been hard for me to relate to Rule.  Rome was my buddy, Remy was everybody’s best friend and you, well you made your own path when you were just a little fella and I never felt like you needed any kind of guidance from me to get where you wanted to go.  Your mother is fragile, more so than I thought and while I knew that what has been happening over the last few years hasn’t done us any good as a family I guess I kept hoping she would just snap out of it.  The harsher we were the more you fought back, you never let her get to you the way I think she wanted and while I should have stopped it years ago I guess I see now how much damage what we were doing could have done to you.”

“She wants me to be Remy.”  Saying it out loud to him felt like letting go of a lifetime of tightly held secrets.

He coughed and rubbed his thick hands together.  “She wants the easy relationship she had with Remy with you.  Remy wasn’t argumentative or problematic, he just went with the flow.  Rome knew we didn’t want him to join the military but he did it anyway because he’s stubborn and determined to make a difference in the world.  You were never easy going and complacent.  You hated curfew and any rule we imposed on you, you were always creative and quirky but hard to relate to, we said go left and you went backwards, she doesn’t have a son left that she can just dictate and manage.  She misses having someone to mother and Remy never minded her doing it for him and neither did Shaw, but now Shaw has chosen a side and Margot is devolving rapidly.”