Rough, Raw, and Ready (Rough Riders #5)(19)

“No, baby, it ain’t like that. Not at all.” Trevor made a rough sound, a cross between a frustrated sigh and a snort. “You know how goddamned hard it is to keep a secret in that community. So if there’d have been rumors about me’n Ed, you’d’ve heard ’em.”


True. There’d been whispers about Dag’s sexual preferences for years, but she’d suspected her brother’s proclivities before she’d heard the gossip. “How long were you and Edgard…?”


“For two and a half years.”


“And during that time no one suspected?”


“Why would they? Edgard and I were together because we were travelin’ and ropin’ partners. And it wasn’t like all of a sudden I stopped chasin’ women. There were always plenty of women around.”


“That’s just another great visual I needed.”


“You knew a lot stuff about me before we got married.”


“Not this.”


“You think I wanna talk about this, Chass? You think I wanna relive all that past shit with my wife? You can’t believe I get off hurtin’ you. And I know this big mess is hurtin’ you bad.” She heard the slosh of alcohol as Trevor tipped the bottle and drank again. His voice was whiskey rough. “Hurtin’ you, when I love you so goddamn much is killin’ me.”


That much wasn’t a lie. Which was probably why this situation tore her guts out.

Even now she didn’t doubt Trevor’s feelings for her. From the moment they’d slipped on their wedding rings and repeated their vows, Chassie hadn’t worried he’d cheat on her with another woman.

The idea of him cheating on her with another man had never crossed her mind.

Trevor interrupted her thoughts by saying, “I take that back. One person did know.”


“Who?”


“Colby. Only because he was our other travelin’ partner and he ah…came in at a bad time one night. He didn’t understand, but me’n him have been friends forever. Colby is of the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ mindset and Channing found out when she followed the circuit with us. Then Colby got injured and Ed went back to Brazil.”


A burst of anger ripped through Chassie. Her cousin Colby hadn’t warned her about marrying a man who was in love with another man? “Why did Edgard go back to Brazil?”


“Problems with his ranch down there. Problems with me because I couldn’t give him what he wanted.”


“Which was?”


“A monogamous relationship. I couldn’t be…” Trevor paced behind her. “Edgard is the only man I’d ever felt like that about and it freaked me out. Christ. I didn’t want to want him that way, but I did. Even after we started havin’ sex, I never quit bein’ with women. It wasn’t because I was in denial of bein’ gay or bi or any such shit. Edgard knew I wouldn’t give them up and he didn’t ask me to. That wasn’t fair to him. Hell, even if women had stopped appealin’ to me and I woulda been free to be only with him, I still wouldn’t have done it.”


“Why not?”


“I woulda lost everything. I know them kinda relationships are acceptable in a big city, but we both know that ain’t so out here.”


Chassie thought of her brother and the years he’d fought to hide what he was. That struggle led Dag to douse his bitterness with alcohol, causing him to make bad decisions and the combination had eventually killed him. “Was your time with Edgard just some kind of man-lust experiment?”


“I don’t know.”


“Then who am I supposed to ask, huh?” The smartass response tumbled out before she could stop it.

“I deserved that.” Clothing shifted. Liquor slopped against the bottle. “All I know, all I’ve ever known, all I ever wanted to be was a Wyoming rancher. Yeah, I chased the gold buckle due to family pressure, with my pa bein’ world champ and all. I fooled myself tryin’ to buy his pride by followin’ in his footsteps. Truth was, I hid on the circuit. I didn’t wanna go home and ranch with him because the thought of spendin’ every day of the rest of my life at my pa’s beck and call was the worst kinda punishment. Can you imagine how cruel my family—and everyone in the community—would’ve treated me if they’d known how I felt about Edgard?”


She froze. “How did you feel about him?”


“Chassie—”


“Did you love him?” Do you still love him?

“C’mere.” Trevor urged Chassie to face him. “It’s been three and a half years since I’ve seen or talked to Edgard, Chassie. I’m in love with you. You’re my wife. You’re everything I ever wanted. You’re the one I chose.”


“How can I believe that you didn’t settle for me because you didn’t have the balls to choose Edgard? Now he’s here. You’ve broken with your family. This could be your chance to finally be with him. You don’t have to settle for your second choice.”


Trevor trapped Chassie’s face in his hands. “Listen to me. You weren’t sloppy seconds or the goddamned consolation prize. From the moment we met, you were it for me, you understand? I fell madly, crazily in love with you. Just you.”