RoomHate(65)

“You think I’m trying to separate myself from you? You’re the one who put up a gigantic wall the second I told you about the tour. If I had my way, I would want nothing more than to sleep in your f*cking bed tonight—inside of you—because I’m leaving in less than two days. Two days, Amelia! Instead of enjoying each other, you’ve been shutting me out. I’m respecting your wishes and not pushing anything because I know my leaving is hard enough for you, but f*ck!”

Feeling ashamed, I said, “I’m sorry for overreacting. I made this about more than the nursery. The room is beautiful. Really.”

“I’m gonna go check on the food.” Justin placed Bea in her crib and abruptly left the room, slamming the door behind him. I looked up at the stars on the ceiling, deeply regretting my loss of composure. The sound machine had switched to a medley of thunder and lightning. It was a fitting representation of the mood.

Dinner was a quiet one that night.

With no permanent bedroom anymore, Justin slept on the couch.

I didn’t sleep at all.

***

Justin would be gone tomorrow.

I needed to fix things before he left, or I would regret it. Bea was quietly napping in her new nursery, so I figured I would take the opportunity to talk to him.

Justin’s mountain of black luggage was piled together in the corner of his office. The sight of that alone gave me anxiety.

As I made my way down the hall, the sound of him beating the punching bag could be heard coming from the exercise room.

Standing in the doorway, I watched as he hit the bag with more force than I’d ever seen him exhibit before. Justin was completely in a zone and either hadn’t noticed me or pretended not to.

“Justin.”

He didn’t stop. It was unclear whether he could hear me, since he was wearing earbuds. I could hear the music blasting through them.

“Justin,” I repeated louder.

He continued to ignore me as he hit the bag even harder.

“Justin!” I screamed.

This time he looked over at me briefly, but he didn’t stop punching. That confirmed that he was definitely ignoring me.

Determined not to run away from this situation no matter how painful, I stayed in the doorway watching him for several minutes until he finally stopped. Leaning against the punching bag and gripping it, he looked down at the floor while gasping for air but said nothing. After a long moment of silence, he finally spoke.

“I’m losing you, and I haven’t even left yet.” He turned to me. “This tour is not worth that.”

“You have to go. You’re not losing me. I just don’t know how to handle it.”

A stream of sweat trickled down the length of his glistening chest as he walked toward me but stopped short of touching me. The smell of his skin mixed with cologne served as a reminder as to just how much I was kidding myself when it came to my ability to steer away from him sexually.

“It’s understandable. Completely understandable,” he said.

“What is?”

“All of your worries…I would feel the same if you were the one going on a tour. That scene is no joke. I get why you’re scared.”

It didn’t exactly comfort me to know that he felt my worry was founded.

He continued, “It’s not that you don’t trust me now, but you think that environment will somehow change me, make me want different things than I want now.”

“Yes. That’s exactly right. If you understand my fear, then why are you so angry at me for it?”

“It’s more like…frustrated. Everything is happening so fast, and I’m running out of time to fix this before I leave. We have to trust that what we’ve been working toward is worth more than all of the crazy shit that life might throw at us in the next five months. I’m also scared, because I don’t ever want to let you or Bea down.” The look of fear in his eyes was unprecedented, and the uncertainty in them made me uneasy.

“Let me down?”

“Yes. Bea is getting attached to me. While she won’t remember these past several months, she’s only getting older and will start to understand more as time passes. This isn’t a game. I know that. I would rather die than hurt her.”

Even though he wasn’t saying it in so many words, I took his statement to mean that he still wasn’t sure if he wanted a child, which in turn meant he might have been unsure about us. It pained me to know that he still held doubts, given how phenomenal he was with Bea.

And with me.

This tour was forcing Justin to do something he never would have done otherwise; it was forcing him to leave us, to step back and reflect on the responsibility he unknowingly walked into the day he decided to come to Newport one month early last summer, expecting an empty house. He certainly got way more than he ever bargained for that day. He’d been our rock ever since. Even though I didn’t want to lose him, he needed this separation to figure out what he truly wanted.

I knew that I truly wanted him. I also knew that I loved him enough to let him go. I vowed not to push guilt any longer.

This tour was a blessing in disguise, because it would give him the space to determine what was really meant to be. I certainly didn’t want Bea to get any more attached to him if we weren’t strong enough to survive this. It was more important now to protect her heart than my own.