RoomHate(47)

It was so good to have him back.

***

A week later, it was a typical weeknight evening at home. Justin was playing at Sandy’s while Bea and I stayed in. She was being super quiet as she played with her mobile on the floor, so I decided to peruse the Internet while lounging on the couch with my laptop.

I’d been avoiding going on Jade’s Facebook page because I didn’t want to see pictures from his trip back to New York that would only upset me. Somehow, I’d ended up on her profile anyway, looking through her recent posts. Much of it was the same as always: scenes from backstage, theater friends out on the town after performances, pictures with fans. There was one thing, however, that was far from expected. Jade had recently changed her relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single.”

They broke up?

My heart was beating out of control.

When did this happen?

She’d also posted a cryptic status right around the time that Justin came back to Newport: “To New Beginnings.”

They’d ended it while he was in New York! He’d been back for a week and hadn’t told me. Why would he have kept it a secret? My mind was racing. Was he EVER planning to tell me?

I stayed in the same spot in the living room, waiting for him to get home. When the doorknob turned, I straightened in my seat.

Justin put down his guitar next to the door and hung up his jacket. “What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Jade broke up?”

He let out a slow breath and joined me on the couch. “How did you find out?”

“She changed her relationship status on Facebook.”

Letting out another deep breath, he said, “Things had been off for a while. We’d just been growing apart over the past year. The reason I came to Newport early was to have some alone time to think. That was when I found you and Bea here.”

“I don’t understand. I thought you were in love with her.”

“No.”

“No? Why did you always tell her you loved her then? Isn’t that misleading?”

“I thought I loved her at one time. So, yes, we told each other we loved one another. Once you start saying that word, it just becomes commonplace to use it. It gets abused and loses its value. We had a good relationship for a while, but it was never gonna work long term.”

“Why?”

“We’re too different. She’s so caught up in the theater world right now. There was no time for us to work on the problems we had.”

“And she wanted kids,” I added.

“That, too.”

I swallowed. Even though I’d known how he felt about kids, a part of me had hoped being around Bea might have shown him that it wasn’t so terrible.

“You guys didn’t sound like you had any problems. Just the opposite, in fact. I had to block my ears anytime she was home.”

“The sex was good. We never had issues in that area. But it takes something deeper than that to last forever with someone. I didn’t want to waste her time. Time is precious.”

“So, it was you who broke up with her?”

“Yes. I was the one who ended it.”

I actually felt really badly for Jade. I knew what it felt like to have strong feelings for this man, and she was a good person. She didn’t deserve to be dumped.

“That was the reason for your trip to New York?”

“My feelings had been weighing on me. I didn’t want to go through the whole summer like that. Now she can be free to do whatever she pleases.”

“And you?”

He hesitated before saying, “The same.”

My body didn’t know how to react, whether to feel relief or nausea. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? I honestly didn’t know. Justin being single now meant that he could potentially be playing the field, bringing girls home, taking advantage of all of the wanton women gushing over him at Sandy’s. I couldn’t deal with that. In a strange way, knowing he was committed to Jade always brought about a bittersweet solace because at least there was only one woman to worry about. Now there could potentially be many.

At the same time, this could be an opportunity for me to finally have a chance to be with him. I quickly shook that thought from my head, knowing full well that it was a longshot. He didn’t want kids; he was emphatic about that. I now came with one, and there would be no chance in hell he would go for that kind of package deal. Then, it occurred to me that maybe he was intentionally keeping the breakup from me to avoid any expectations on my part. That was it!

“Why did you keep this from me, Justin?”

“I was going to tell you.”

“When?”

“I don’t know.”

“My knowing doesn’t change anything between us if that’s what you think. I don’t expect anything from you, especially now.”

“What do you mean by especially now?”

“I mean…maybe if I hadn’t had Bea…” I shook my head. “Never mind.”

“Say what you were gonna say.”

“Things might be different if I didn’t have a child. Maybe we could have seen where things went.”

He looked like he was struggling with what to say next. “You’re no less attractive because you have a child. Don’t ever think that. But you are right about one thing. Any man you end up with needs to be one-hundred percent ready for that responsibility.” He pointed over to Bea who was kicking her legs around as she continued to play on the rug. “It wouldn’t be fair to her otherwise.”