RoomHate(34)

“Did it do the trick?”

“You know…after that day, I really followed through with my vow to move on. And every year, it did get easier to forget everything, especially after I moved to New York. Days and weeks would go by without thinking about you. I thought I’d put you in the past where you belonged.”

“Until you couldn’t avoid me anymore.”

He nodded. “Coming here, I had no idea what to expect. When I laid eyes on you that first day in the kitchen, I quickly realized that all of the feelings hadn’t really gone away at all. I’d just been suppressing them. Seeing you again as a grown woman…it was jarring. I didn’t know how to handle it.”

“Besides being mean.”

“At first, I was still so f*cking angry at you. I wanted you to be a bitch to me, so that at least the anger would be justified. But instead…you were sweet and full of regret. The object of my anger has slowly been shifting from you to myself…for wasting all those years in bitterness. So, you know what this tattoo represents to me now?” He paused. “Fucking stupidity.”

“I was the stupid one for ever leaving you. I—”

“Let me finish. I’ve got to get this out tonight.”

“Alright.”

The next thing that came out of his mouth was totally unexpected.

“We need to talk about our attraction to each other, Amelia.”

I swallowed. “Okay.”

“That text from your friend…she was right. I want to f*ck you so badly right now that I’m practically shaking. My conscience is the only thing stopping me. It’s wrong and so messed up.”

My body was in flux upon his admission, unsure of whether to feel turned on or sick to my stomach.

He continued, “Ever since that day I caught you watching me in my room…I haven’t been able to get you out of my head.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. But the thing is…I couldn’t even be mad at you, because you watching me jerk off was just about the hottest f*cking thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.”

Wow. I didn’t think he felt that way about it.

“I figured you thought I was perverted.”

“I would’ve done the same thing if I walked by your room and saw you touching yourself.”

“You have a beautiful body, Justin. It was hard to look away.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you were watching me. What were you thinking about?”

Since he was being so honest with me, I decided to tell him the absolute truth. “I was imagining that I was with you.”

His breath hitched, and he turned away for a moment before making eye contact. “Have you always been as attracted to me as you are now?”

“Yes. But even more so now. I know it’s wrong, Justin.”

“Right or wrong, we can’t help who we’re attracted to. I don’t want to want you like this. Just sitting next to you right now is hard for me. But wanting someone and acting on it are two different things. That’s why when you were touching my hair, I had to stop it.”

“I really wasn’t trying to sleep with you. I just missed touching your hair. That’s all. It was selfish.”

“Believe me, I understand. I’m not innocent in all of this. I’ve looked for excuses to touch you, too. But I have a girlfriend. We have a good life in New York. There’s no excuse. I’m starting to feel like my father, totally out of control with no concern for anyone else.”

“You’re not your father.”

“My mother was just as bad.”

“Well, you’re not your parents.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, either, Patch. I’m so f*cking confused. This situation with sharing the house makes things very awkward.” He closed his eyes for a long moment before continuing, “Maybe we should work out an arrangement next year.”

“Arrangement?”

“Yeah, like maybe we alternate months, so that we don’t have to be here at the same time.”

It felt like he’d punched me in the heart.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Let me get this straight. You can’t trust yourself around me, so you don’t want to physically see me ever again?”

“That’s not it.”

“Then why else would you not want to be around me?”

He raised his voice, his tone bordering on angry. “Do you really enjoy hearing me and Jade f*cking?”

“No. But—”

“Well, I don’t want to hear you f*cking anyone, either. I’m trying to protect both of us here.”

My blood was boiling. “So, you’d rather just not see me at all?”

“I didn’t say that. But coming up with a schedule is something we should at least consider. I think that would be a smart option.”

The words were flying out of my mouth. “As hard as this has been for me, I’ve never once considered that. That’s the difference between us. I would deal with any amount of discomfort that it took in order to have you in my life. I would never choose any option that involved pretending you didn’t exist. I would take any fragment of you than nothing at all. Clearly, you don’t feel the same about me. So, you know what? Now that I know that…I’m perfectly good with a schedule.” Hot tears streamed down my cheeks.