Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(91)

“Maybe.”

“I get the feeling like fate is jerking you around, believe me.” His tone suddenly went hard. “Maybe it’s random. Maybe someone’s in charge. I don’t know what concerns me more. That anything could happen. Or that there’s a plan and it might mean I have to go through more shit.”

“Cheering.”

“It’s not supposed to be, it’s just what I think. Maybe it’ll be good. Maybe it won’t. That’s a risk. Every damn thing is a risk. And you’re right, we can’t even go back and ask Dad...we can’t ask what he was thinking. We can’t ever know. Anything. If you don’t want this, then don’t. But I suspect that you do. I think you want her. I thought that for a long time. And if you want her, then you want to have her. Don’t... Don’t keep yourself from having her because you’re protecting yourself. Because you’re living your whole life with the expectation the cops could come to the door again and tell you that you lost everything when a few minutes ago everything was great. Protecting yourself because you thought... Hell, at least they died together and loved each other and then you found a plane ticket that meant Dad might leave and now you think every good thing out there might just be a lie. Because it had all seemed like it was getting better. Until it went to hell.”

Jake felt like the room was spinning. Because that was exactly it. The damn truth. Everything had seemed better until it went to hell. And maybe that was the real reason he trusted nothing. Believed nothing. Maybe the real reason was that... He couldn’t stand the idea of wanting to be happy again and losing it.

Maybe that was the real reason he didn’t want her doing anything for him. Because he just didn’t want to feel good only to have it taken from him. Not again. Never again.

“I really love her.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how to... I don’t know how to be brave enough to live in it. Cannot just be sitting there waiting to be blindsided.”

He looked at his brother, and he realized. He realized that was why he held Colt at a distance, too. He was a master at lying to himself. That was for damn sure.

“Damn,” he said, his chest sore. He lowered his head and pushed his hands through his hair, his elbows resting on the porch rail. “This is hell.”

“I don’t know how to do the feelings thing,” Colt said.

“Neither do I,” Jake said, feeling mad about it. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know to feel this. But I am. Damn her.”

“I guess the way I see it is you could go on like you have been, and then you’re certain of what you’ve got. Not her. Right? Or you have to step out not knowing, and learn to live with that. But then you have her.”

“I really want her. But people think it’s brave or stupid to bull ride—it’s nothing compared to this. If I love her, that I’m going to stay with her. And I’m going to want to keep her. Have kids with her. Somehow cope with the idea that everything I care about is running around out there. With any number of dangers all around. And I can’t just keep them safe. I can’t guarantee what’s going to happen from one moment to the next. And if something did I... I wouldn’t see it coming. It could all be great and then...”

You have to take the shrapnel out.

Her father’s words echoed inside of him.

He was walking around with a wound inside of him. And it wasn’t based on nothing. Life had been a damn bitch to him. That was the truth of it. Life had screwed him about seven different ways. And right now, it wasn’t life or faith or God that was his enemy. It was him. Life wasn’t fair, but here they were, living it.

And he’d walked through a world where he’d tried his best to care about nothing, and in the end, he kept coming back to Gold Valley.

Why?

Because of his family. Because it was home. Because the things that he loved were what made it worth being on this goddamn planet. That was the thing. When you cared enough to take the risk, that was when it mattered.

And he couldn’t let a wound decide anymore how much his life meant. Because the value was in those people. The value was in that love.

In Cal.

Callie. The love of his life. The woman literally owned his heart. Seeing her fall off that horse and break her arm... Entering into a tailspin that he hadn’t been able to get himself out of, and rather than walking toward her, he’d run away from her.

“I’m a damn coward,” he said.

“Well, I have always thought you were vastly less impressive than I was.”

“I love her.”

“Clearly.”

“I love her so much. I’d die for her. But the scary thing... The scary thing is living for her.”

“There’s a whole lot of people in there who would tell you that it was worth it.”

He looked at his brother, the hollow look in his eye, and he knew that whatever was going on with Colt, he wasn’t ready to take the next step forward. And all he could do was hope that someday the right woman came along and pushed him there. Because that was what it had taken for Jake.

Being more afraid of living life without her than trying to live one with her.

“I’ve got to go get her.”

“Good luck. And I hope you’re good at dodging bullets.”

“Why is that exactly?”