Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(89)

“I think he’s the kind of old-fashioned guy who would’ve done what he wanted, sneaked around, then asked my permission to marry you when he was good and ready. Not that I have any experience with that.”

She winced. “I don’t need to know about your and Mom’s personal life.”

“Well, I don’t need to know about yours, either, but I think I got the hint of a bit more than I cared to while you were here. I know it’s not that you’re just friends with him.”

She slumped down on the stool, picked up a fork and dug into the cheesecake. “No. We were supposed to be. But no, it didn’t end up that way. But that’s not the point. When everything went to hell yesterday, I realized something. I realized that I had to let that cover go. And I had to tell you why I did it. Because I needed the trust fund money because I wanted to enter the rodeo. And we had some honesty between us, Dad. And you told me you were going to try to be brave. So it’s my turn. I have to be brave. And I have to tell you that I spent a lot of years trying to be one of the boys because I thought then I could be approved of.”

“I never disapproved of you.”

“I get that now. But I shut down and I tried to protect myself, and I tried to make my life as simple a thing as possible. I did all that to keep from getting hurt. Because I’ve always been afraid that I wasn’t really the daughter that you wanted. So I just didn’t try to be one.”

Her father looked broken then, his face contorting. “Callie. You are a blessing. You always have been. What your mother and I went through was a terrible thing. And I know it must be hard for you, because you don’t remember that time. You weren’t even here for it. It affected each and every one of us, because we were there. Because we remember Sophie. But you don’t. And I’m sorry for all the ways that loss has hurt you, too. But in a way... I don’t want Sophie to ever be forgotten. I want her impression on the world to last. So of course I always wanted you to know about her.”

“I understand that,” she said. “I do. But so much of it was me just being afraid. I thought I needed to be tough and perfect, and then when I had my accident and you didn’t want me to compete anymore...it confirmed it. And I understand now. I don’t need to just be one thing. I have to be myself. I care an awful lot about saddle bronc, I really do. I want to do it. But I care about other things, too. And more important than the rodeo is my relationship with you and Mom. It’s coming to some kind of understanding. More important than the rodeo is that we tell the truth. That we get to know each other.”

“I want you to ride,” he said. “Because it’s important to you. And I’m going to work on letting go enough to let you be who you need to be. Even if it scares me. Callie, when you fell I realized if something happened to you it would have been because of how I raised you. What I encouraged you to do, and that would have killed me.”

“Dad, I’m myself. And while I appreciate your worry, and you know I want your support... I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. It could never be your fault.”

He chuckled. “Well, that is true. I’ll tell you, when I thought you married Jake Daniels, I was pretty terrified.”

“I mean, I did marry him,” she said. “Legally.”

“No, I know. But I just... All I could see was you getting hurt. And not only that, I had to face the fact that you were a woman, and I didn’t much like that, either. Because a lot of that overprotective stuff... It only works when I can convince myself that you’re a child. And that’s the way that I feel I can protect you.”

“I’m not a kid. But... It’s okay that you want to protect me. I have to remember that it’s not you thinking I can’t do things. It’s... It’s just loving someone. I get that now. I want to protect Jake, from his own pain, and I can’t do it. I feel inadequate, and I feel I can’t reach him. And I don’t like it.”

Her dad nodded, and picked up his own fork, going into the other side of the cheesecake. “Yeah, I could see that he had some issues. And I could also see that you two were falling in love.”

“Yeah. He does love me. He just says it doesn’t change anything.”

“The wound has to be addressed,” her dad said. “You can’t just cover it up and let it fester. That’s the hardest thing to do.” He sighed heavily. “Listen to me. I say that, and I’ve never done it in my own self. I told myself that grief over losing a child is something you’re not supposed to heal from. And I’m afraid I’ve made you suffer because of it.”

“No. I’m an adult. And I should’ve talked to you, and I didn’t. If you treated me like a child it was because I kept on acting like one. A rebellious child who didn’t want any kind of honesty, because I was too busy protecting myself.” She sighed. “For just a little bit I felt so powerful because I was brave enough to show him my whole heart. But I didn’t feel so brave when it was finished and he told me we couldn’t be together.”

“But sometimes that’s just the step,” her dad said. “Failing before you figure out how to make a life. We do it over and over again. I did it with you. We could’ve had this conversation and you might not have married Jake to get what you wanted. But then you wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. And maybe this is an important step, too. You just can’t see to the end of it yet.”