Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(68)

Everyone was dressed up, but she couldn’t see anyone but Jake. And as they filed out into the pickup trucks, she knew a slight moment of fear when the door closed and left the two of them alone. Because whereas that night when they’d kissed, when they’d decided to make love, and she’d felt free by those endless possibilities, tonight she felt frightened of being alone with him. Because she knew what was possible.

And she knew that he’d said they couldn’t do it again. But she didn’t know how.

Didn’t know how to not do it. To not want it. To not need it and him.

She didn’t know how to keep to the bargain that they’d made to preserve their friendship at all costs. The one that she’d agreed to. Because she’d decided that she was insufficient when it came to sex, and that was why he’d said no, but somehow she was sure now that that wasn’t it. That there were other reasons. And other reasons for her, as well, and it was why she let it go so easy. Because they were both running. From what it was, from what it meant.

And here they were again. And the sparks were going off between them like an electric thunderclap, and still, she wasn’t supposed to reach out and touch him.

But she didn’t jump on him when the doors to the truck closed, and when they started onto the highway after her parents he didn’t reach over and touch her, either. She was a little bit disappointed. She had hoped that the thing that was overtaking her might be taking him over, too. That they might be in this together. And it wasn’t just her. That was the really scary thing. Not the need to show restraint when she wasn’t sure she could, but that she might be in this alone. That maybe he wasn’t all that tempted by her, after all. Except she’d seen something in his eyes when she’d come down the stairs that made her feel like he had to be. Like it couldn’t just be her. It had to be the two of them.

“Jake,” she said softly as the town came into view.

The hotel was at the end of Main Street, all lit up. Two stories high with wooden balconies and a rustic dining area. But she didn’t care much about that now.

“Don’t,” he said, his voice rough. “Don’t make this difficult.”

She made a huffing sound. “I’m not making anything difficult.”

“You wore that dress,” he rasped. “You were going for difficult.”

“No,” she said. “I was trying to patch things up with my mother actually. It didn’t have anything to do with you. Though nice to know that your ego is so healthy you figured I couldn’t put on a dress if it wasn’t to make things hard for you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

She sniffed. “I think it is.”

“Well, think what you want,” he said. “I’m not in charge of that.”

“You’re not in charge of me at all,” she said.

But the conversation ended, because her parents parked in front of the building, and Jake parked in the space alongside them. And then they had no choice but to get out, and not linger awkwardly in the truck and create speculation.

So he put his hand on her lower back, and she squirmed against the heat of his touch as they walked inside the old building.

“My dad reserves the private dining room every year,” she said.

“Nice tradition,” he said, but he wasn’t looking at her. He was still touching her, though, and she couldn’t stop fixating on that point of contact against her back.

The fabric of the dress was just so thin. And the nature of the dress was really quite revealing. If he wanted to, he could take her back to the truck. Push the dress up past her hips. And the things that he would be able to do to her...

This was why people were crazy. She hadn’t realized it before.

Sex made you nuts.

It really took all of your good intentions and reasonable instincts and twisted them. Because for a long time, she’d had very simple thoughts. She’d wanted very simple things. And now she felt like everything had been splintered. Like she had seen her future clearly through a glass windowpane, and someone had taken a hammer and splintered it so that there were fractals of glass, confusing and complex. They fit together—she could see through them. But there were so many different angles, so many different ways something could be.

Wanting him was like that. Filled with absurd angles.

Because she didn’t know what she wanted it to become. Didn’t have any guess as to where it might take them, but she wanted him all the same. It wasn’t like wanting to ride saddle bronc. Wasn’t like wanting to get her trust fund. Those things had a clear, straight path. An easy end point. And she could see why she’d kept her focus on things like that for as long as she had. Men and sex and dresses were something she’d written off as stupid, because the reality was men and sex and dresses were complicated. Painful and just a hell of a lot more confusing than she’d ever given them credit for being.

The hostess was dressed in a dark green vest and white shirt with black slacks. An old-fashioned, Wild West look that went with the rest of the place. It hearkened back to another era. When this had been a gold rush town, and the people in it pioneers.

A hotel like this had only been reserved for the wealthiest, most successful members of the town, and those passing through. The lights were still primarily red lanterns, the seats covered in velvet, the tables polished.