Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(26)

“I’m not not a gentleman to buckle bunnies, to be clear,” he said. “What does that even mean? Everybody gets what they came for. You make it sound like I’m using them. And I’m not. I never have. I’ve never promised a woman something and not delivered it.”

She looked exasperated. But still wasn’t looking at him. “I guess that’s just... How people think of these things.”

“Yeah, because everyone thinks about things in this kind of traditional way. I don’t. I never have.”

Which made a mockery of the feelings that were settled like a weight in his chest right now. Because hell, the fact of the matter was, marrying her felt like something. And for someone who said he didn’t give a damn about these kinds of conventions, about traditional values or anything of the kind, he was affected by it.

He shook his head. “I treat people the way they want to be treated. That’s gentlemanly, isn’t it?”

“In fairness, I’m just saying things other people say. You know, the cowgirls complain about the buckle bunnies.”

“Yeah, I’m sure they do. I don’t know. I’m not saying any of it’s right, it’s just the way it is.”

“Right. The cowboys get to have all the casual sex they want. And there’s a kind of girl for it. But then... You treat other girls different.”

He had no idea why in hell she was pushing this now. This was not something they ever talked about. And he’d been more than fine with that.

He didn’t need to deal with his attraction to Cal while talking to her about sex.

“It’s not that. At least, not for me. Look, I can’t speak for my whole gender. And quite frankly, a lot of them suck. But for me it’s just... If I’m sleeping with a girl, I don’t want to have to see her again when I’m done.”

She wrinkled her nose. “That’s... Gross.”

“It’s not. I promise. I don’t want messy. It’s not... I don’t do emotions.”

He looked over at her for a moment. The look she was giving him was searing, searching and filled with a dark anger he didn’t expect. And it made him feel emotions. Contradicted him again. Made a liar out of him, and he didn’t consider himself a liar.

But that was the problem with Cal. She made him care. She made him feel things. Things he wasn’t used to. Things he didn’t want.

“So, you can’t sleep with cowgirls because you have to see them again. And is it because it gets messy, or is it because you’re afraid you might have feelings?”

“I’m afraid they’ll have feelings.”

Callie’s disgust was like a little tornado whipping around her. “You’re such an ass. You’re afraid they’ll just magically fall in love with you because... Because what? Sleeping with you is such a good time?”

He needed out of this conversation. He needed an eject button. And she didn’t seem interested in giving him one. She was just going to push and push. And he had to wonder if she really knew what she was saying to him. Honestly, he had to wonder if she was a...

If she was an actual virgin.

Who didn’t understand the topic that she’d introduced. The thought of sleeping with someone was this kind of vague and theoretical thing, because he could remember that.

Back when he’d been sixteen, and hadn’t got all the way with the girl. Hadn’t realized that it was physical and treacherous and intense. And he found ways to make it fun over the years. Fun so that he didn’t have those kinds of heartaches and pains and regrets after. And it had become something he relied on to give him an escape from hard feelings. From nights when memories of his family wanted to creep in. Yeah, he could erase all that with the right amount of whiskey and a woman who was looking for a good time. And he’d always figured they had demons they were running from, too. And as long as it worked for both of them, who cared? He wasn’t a therapist. If somebody wanted to use him to live in denial a little longer, that was just fine with him. Because he was using them to forget. He was using them to keep his mind from traveling down dark paths. He wanted it. He needed it.

But she didn’t know. She didn’t know that what she was talking about was physical, downright dirty and just as raw and in-your-face as any rodeo event could ever be.

She was looking at it all through a blurry lens.

And even knowing that didn’t help him. Because she was sounding bold when he knew full well she didn’t mean to. But it was still hitting him that same way.

“Look, I don’t know,” he said. “It could happen. I just don’t want the entanglement. I use sex to escape for a while. I don’t use it to build friendships or connections of any kind.”

“Well. Whatever. We don’t need to talk about it anymore. Doesn’t matter to us. Though you’re going to have to try to keep it in your pants while you’re married to me.”

Lightning shot down his spine. He looked at her. And then her face went red, starting at her cheeks and bleeding down and up, all the way to the roots of her hair, all the way down to the collar of her shirt. “I didn’t mean me.”

“Just be careful,” he said, his throat getting tight. “A man might get the wrong idea.”

“We have a marriage license. That’s the definition of sticky. Plus we’re friends.”