River's End (River's End Series, #1)(59)

“Feeling particularly sorry for yourself today, Erin?”

Her mouth opened, ready to respond in offended protest, until she realized he was right. She was having a pity party. Just because all of it was true, and she felt bitter, right down to her baby toes, it didn’t give her the license to burden Jack Rydell with the nitty-gritty of her pathetic life and inner conflicts.

She shook her head finally. “Yes. You’re right. It’s not like you don’t know grief, huh?”

Jack nodded, without looking at her, but didn’t elaborate.

Finally, she asked, “How did she die?”

Jack’s lips were pursed, and he was quiet. The bugs suddenly seemed much louder, and the sun felt hotter on her arms. “She had a rare, genetic heart condition. Before we learned about it, it was too late. She pretty much died out of nowhere. There was little warning, or way of knowing.”

“That’s terrible. I’m sorry, Jack. Were you and she the same age?”

“Yeah.”

“Kara mentioned that. She said you’d been together since you were fifteen.”

“Kara Fisher? When did you meet her?”

“At Charlie’s classroom Tea. She didn’t like hearing that I stay here, at the ranch.”

He didn’t comment for a long moment; then to her surprise, he laughed. “Is that what had you so wigged out after the Tea?”

“Well, yeah. Sure. Part of it. Plus, the fact that I couldn’t read what a third grader wrote to me. It wasn’t exactly my proudest moment. Anyway, Kara mentioned she was Lily’s best friend and kept grilling me about why I was here.”

“Kara Fisher was never Lily’s best friend. She came onto me at Lily’s funeral for God’s sake.”

After the solemnity of their discussion, and the sadness of the day, Erin felt a smile finally starting in her lips. After all she got stressed over, it turned out that Kara was a worse person than she was.

“Oh. I just thought her bitchiness stemmed from her friendship with your wife, not jealousy.”

He turned and finally smiled at her fully. Her heart practically stopped. “You know what? She is a bitch. Lily never liked her.”

“She said Charlie and her son were best friends.”

Jack sighed. “They’re good friends, which is the only reason why I tolerate her. Don’t, however, let her get to you again.”

She allowed a quiet moment to pass before she finally asked, “Were you happy?”

“Happy? With what?”

“With Lily.”

His expression changed from affable to the familiar, usual sternness he often looked at her with. “Why would you ask that?”

She shrugged. “I just wondered.”

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back as if letting the sun wash over him. Finally, he let out a long breath. “Yeah. I was happy.”

“How did you get through it? I mean, when it ended?”

“I had no choice. I had three kids to raise, a roof to provide over everyone’s head, and horses to feed.”

“Did you eventually get over it? Does the passage of time get you over it?”

He opened his eyes and looked at her. “No. Time doesn’t get you over it.”

“Then how do you stand it? When you see your sons at their mother’s grave, and Charlie doesn’t even remember her, while Ben’s heart breaks all over again, how do you stand it?”

“Again I have no choice. I have to stand it.”

She dropped her shoulders and squeezed her eyes shut. “What if I can’t stand it?”

“What do you mean? What are you telling me, Erin? You thinking about leaving? And I don’t mean leaving just my ranch.”

She shook her head as the tears burned her eyeballs and she tried to hold them back. “No. I don’t mean that. I don’t mean like my mother. I just mean, hell… I don’t know. You’re just so strong, and I’m so useless. You lost so much more than I did, but went on to raise three kids, while I can’t even manage to feed, clothe or provide myself shelter. When I see what you’ve done, and handled, it makes me so ashamed of what I can’t do, and can’t handle.”

“I’ve had a few more years to get here.”

“Bullshit. You always dealt with life face on. And you dealt well.”

He shrugged. “I made a lot of mistakes raising my kids, especially after Lily died. You just gotta keep moving, keep trying.”

“You’ve seen how well I do. I was literally abandoned on your door step.”

“You were. Again, your brother is a blood-sucking lowlife, whom I wouldn’t trust to take care of one of my dogs. So, not totally your fault.”

“When Chance first saw me, he told me to use Joey to get what I wanted out of him. I was repelled initially by what my brother was suggesting, but then, isn’t that exactly who I am? I knew Joey four days before I slept with him. And only got to stay here because of that. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t still be here now. I am exactly what Chance said I was.”

“Yeah, then why did you tell me that? Why did you warn me Chance was likely to steal from me? I don’t know everything about you, Erin, but I do know whatever motivates you isn’t sleazy or evil like whatever is festering inside your brother. And if you really want to know the truth, what I saw your brother do to you with that snake was why you got to stay, not because of Joey.”