Reign of Shadows (Reign of Shadows, #1)(53)

I would die, but others—so many others—they would live. Is that not what a proper queen would do for her people?

“Absolutely not.”

I propped my hands on my hips. “The choice isn’t yours.”

He stepped up close to me, his face near my own. I felt his warm breath on my cheek. “You’re not doing this.”

Tension crackled between us, looking for somewhere to go, an outlet that wasn’t going to appear. Neither one of us was backing down.

Mirelya’s voice broke in. “Why don’t you both sleep on the matter? Whatever happens, Fowler is going to have to work tomorrow. That’s the price of staying here and gathering supplies. He will need his rest for the day ahead.”

“That sounds like a fine idea,” Fowler agreed. “Maybe you’ll see logic tomorrow.”

I nodded as though I would change my mind, but I would not. I knew what I had to do.

Fowler avoided me for the rest of the night and into the next morning, leaving me alone in the house with Mirelya.

“He’s not going to come around to your way of thinking, girl,” Mirelya said as she washed our breakfast dishes. I didn’t need to ask her what she was talking about.

“Well, I’m not changing my mind either.”

“Perhaps you should. For one so young, you’re in an awful hurry to die.”

“I don’t want to die,” I snapped. “It’s the only way. Once the king has me, he’ll lift the kill order.”

“Oh, I understand your motives. They’re fine and altruistic, but that boy’s only concern is for you. You might want to think about that.”

I sighed. “It doesn’t matter.” I couldn’t let it matter, even as much as it made my stomach flutter to know that the aloof boy I first met cared about me.

Fowler didn’t return until shortly before midlight. I followed him into his room, dogging his heels. “You promised we would talk.”

“I promised once you saw logic, we would talk.”

“That’s not right!” I stomped my foot. “You’re about to go out on the lake and you’re only now returning? You’re not leaving any time for us to discuss—”

“I can tell by your expression that you have not had a change of heart, so there’s nothing to say. I don’t want to talk about your crazed, suicidal plans—”

“I thought we were friends,” I accused, my voice cracking slightly. “Granted, I have not had a great deal of those, but I didn’t think friends ignored you when they don’t like what you say or do.”

“I am a friend. Such a good friend that I’m making this decision for your own good.” He rustled through his things, slipping a jacket over his tunic, continuing on as though there was nothing to say on the matter. He would think that. He would think that I was totally at his mercy to go where he directed. “We’ll talk more about this when I get back,” he said in a softer voice.

“Oh, will we?” I swallowed against the tightness in my throat and chafed my hands up and down my arms as though suddenly needing the warmth. “I thought the decision was made. For my own good? Is that not what you said?”

He exhaled an audible gust of breath. As though I was a burden. A great weight upon his shoulders that he must endure—and that stung and pricked at all the raw and sensitive parts of me that yearned to be free and strong. Didn’t he understand by now that I was as independent as he was and not someone who must be cared for as one cared for a pet or child?

When I left home, I’d told myself Sivo let me go because he thought I was strong enough, smart enough to survive in this world.

I had believed that. I still did.

And yet Fowler didn’t. His doubt of me crept in, undermining my own faith. He made me feel vulnerable and scared beyond what was right. A little fear kept you alert. Too much left you crippled.

“Let’s not do this, Luna. Not now.”

“No,” I said, surprising even myself at the firmness of my voice. “I want to do this now.”

His sigh sounded tired. “Is it so very wrong of me? To want to keep you safe?”

“It’s wrong if it’s what I want to—”

“To die?” he demanded. “No. That is wrong. That’s selfish and—”

“Only the selfish belong in this world. Isn’t that what you said? I’m only doing my part.”

I heard his swift intake of breath. For a moment I regretted flinging his own words back at him like that, but then I thought about the multitude of girls being killed across Relhok. Because of me.

“I’m trying to stop him and save lives. How is that selfish?” I pressed, gentling my tone as I stepped closer. The heat from his body radiated toward me. “It’s my life. Mine to do with as I see fit.”

“I promised Sivo and Perla—”

I scoffed at that, knowing how much he had resented that promise. At least in the beginning. “I appreciate your dedication to keeping your word, but Sivo and Perla will never know. They’ll live out their days convinced that I’ve reached the Isle of Allu. They’ll never know any differently.”

His hands closed on my arms, each finger splayed wide, a burning imprint that seared me through the sleeves of my shirt. A pulse beat in his broad palms, thrumming directly into me, merging with my own racing heart.