Reclaiming the Sand(85)

This was just one more first to add to the ever growing list.

I wanted to touch him. I wanted to take his hand and make this awkwardness go away. I wanted to make this easier for him. For me too. Because I was a nervous wreck.

I cleared my throat, my mouth dry. “It’s okay,” I began, not wanting to push him, but Flynn cut me off.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I won’t be good. You’ll hate it,” he muttered and I watched in disappointment as he started to rub his hands together.

He was upset. He was close to hitting or throwing something. The tension rolled off him in waves like the ones crashing on the beach.

“Stop it,” I said a little more tersely than I meant to. I reached out and stopped myself before grabbing a hold of his hands.

His obvious discomfort was exacerbating my own nerves.

I wasn’t the virgin in the room. So why was I the one shaking like a girl on prom night?

Because Flynn made me feel innocent and untouched. Because being with him for the first time would make me forget that there was anyone else before him.

Because with him there was no one else.

He was still rubbing his hands. He would rub his skin raw with the ferocity.

“I can’t do this, Ellie. I don’t know what I’m doing.” Flynn’s voice raised an octave and I wanted to yell at him to stop. I wanted to smack his face and force him to look at me and not give all of his attention to the spot in his lap.

I needed him here with me. Not locked inside his head.

My unreasonable anger was rearing its nasty head and I had to work hard to tamp it down.

“Can I touch you, Flynn?” I asked softly.

Flynn didn’t say anything. He just kept rubbing.

This time I didn’t ask him. I told him what I was going to do.

“I’m going to touch you, Flynn. And you’re going to let me. You’re not going to freak out. You’re not going to get upset. You’re going to feel me and I’m going to feel you and it will be awesome,” I commanded, not leaving any room for argument.

I had tried sweet and gentle. Now it was time to be Ellie McCallum. And Ellie McCallum took over.

I grabbed one of his hands and covered it with mine. I laced my fingers through his, pressing my palm into the back of his hand.

Flynn’s entire body was taut. I noticed the tick in his jaw as he gnawed at his bottom lip.

I rubbed his hand with my thumb. Slow, purposeful movements repeated over and over again. I forced my own tension to subside. I relaxed my shoulders and made my entire body loosen up. Loose as a goose, Ellie, I said to myself.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Flynn. I’m not going to force you. I won’t steal your virtue, I promise,” I teased, trying to lighten the heavy mood, though I knew my efforts at humor would be lost on him.

Flynn’s body shook with fine tremors and I was beginning to think this trip was a bad idea. He wasn’t ready. Hell, I wasn’t sure I was ready. We were two f*cked up people walking around blind, hoping we wouldn’t bump into shit.

There were never two people more ill suited for a relationship than us. We were all wrong. We didn’t have a chance.

And that made me want to fight for it even harder.

Being with Flynn had unleashed the gladiator inside me. Long gone was the girl who would sit idly by and accept her fate. The old Ellie had died the day Flynn had walked into JAC’s.

Flynn had come back into my life at the exact moment I needed him to. I had been on the cusp of something monumental. I could have gone either way. I could move forward, or I could have stayed stuck.

He motivated me to move forward. And I would do right by him.

By us.

How had this man that I had blamed so long for all the bad in my life become something integral? Something essential?

We both wanted to leave our pasts. We had carried on with our lives hoping the pain was over.

But the pain had also brought me him.

And I loved the pain.

I’d never let it go.

“We can just be here…together,” I said quietly, lightly squeezing our joined hands.

Flynn’s fingers were limp beneath mine and in slow increments, he began to sag. He let out a long, noisy breath and shook his shaggy hair out of his face.

“I want to, Ellie. I want to touch you. I want to feel you. I want to know what it’s like to be naked with you,” he said simply, speaking in his short, halting way.

I swallowed thickly. “Okay,” I squeaked out. And that buzzing in my body that I had drowned out in my ice cold shower, blazed to life again.

Flynn lifted his head and looked at me. And like every time I was rewarded with a glimpse of his beautiful, green eyes, my heart stopped.

“Can I touch you?” he asked. My eyes widened marginally.

He never asked me that. I felt our roles suddenly reversing. It was unnerving but exciting.

I nodded, stilling as he lifted his hand and slowly, carefully placed his fingers on the side of my neck. I tried not to squirm.

He stared at my face, as though to make sure he was doing was okay. I didn’t move. I bit down on my lip as his palm pressed into my skin, his fingers curling up into the heavy layers of my hair.

“I like your hair when it’s normal. I hated all the colors,” he said. I smiled, knowing all too well how much he hated it when I used to dye it in high school.