Rebound (Seattle Steelheads #1)(67)

Geoff nodded, and when he met my eyes, he smiled. “I know you did. That’s why I wasn’t even sure if I should say something, because God, I know you mean well, and my son certainly appreciates it. It’s not your fault or his that my ex turned money into such a minefield.”

“Oh,” I said again, and exhaled, some of that panicky tension starting to ease off. So this wasn’t about me. It was about his ex. But I’d managed to step on one of those mines without even realizing it until it was too late. What if there were others?

He turned to me. “You want to head home?”

I looked down at the steering wheel and realized the engine was still idling. “Yeah. Yeah. We… Yeah.” I put my hand on the shifter. “We still need to pick up your car.”

“Oh right. Pick it up and then head back to your place?”

“You still want to?”

Geoff cocked his head. “Of course. Don’t you?”

“Of course. Yeah.” I shifted and pulled out of the parking space. “You might have to remind me how to get to the precinct.”

“No problem. Go left out of the garage and I’ll tell you where to go from there.”

The subject didn’t come up again. I dropped Geoff at his car, and he lingered for a long kiss before he got out, which was reassuring as hell. Then he followed me from the precinct out of Seattle, across Lake Washington, and to my place.

We didn’t talk much that evening, but I tried to tell myself it was just because we were watching a movie. Geoff had his arm around me, and he was letting me lean into him, so he wasn’t giving me the cold shoulder. When we both started nodding off during the second movie, we agreed to call it a night.

In bed, he curled up against my back and draped an arm over me.

“If I don’t talk to you again before your game,” he murmured against my neck, “good luck.”

“Thanks.” I clasped our fingers together and closed my eyes, but I couldn’t fall asleep. The conversation in my car and the lack of conversation from him over dinner kept replaying in my head. I was exhausted, but I was way too restless to sleep.

I didn’t want to buy Geoff’s affection or win over his kids with money, but what was I supposed to do? Just keep my mouth shut when they needed something and I could help them out?

For that matter, if money was a hot button issue, that probably didn’t just mean with his kids. So what the hell else did I have to offer? I was barely here because I was constantly in and out of town for games. Half the time I didn’t have enough energy left for sex, and anyway, I still couldn’t quite convince myself the sex we had was enough for him. Nathan had been okay with foregoing anal for a while, but then he’d threatened to leave because he wasn’t satisfied. So I’d given in because I’d been afraid of losing him.

Exhaling into the darkness, I rubbed my tired eyes. I should’ve stuck to my guns back then. Maybe Nathan would have left and my life would be different now. I wouldn’t have four years of hellishly bad memories to follow me around for the rest of my life.

I also wouldn’t have Geoff.

If there was one silver lining to the nightmare of being with Nathan, it was the cop who’d responded to our breakup blowout.

And how much longer was I going to hold on to him?

Maybe I needed to bite the bullet and fool around with Geoff even when I was exhausted. Give him more so he had a reason to keep coming back. Give him anything he needed or wanted in bed because I couldn’t give him anything else. Be worth the time and effort it took to be with someone like me.

Dread coiled in the pit of my stomach. And the thing was, deep down I knew this all went back to Nathan. He was the reason I was so on edge about doing something wrong and sending Geoff packing. He was the reason I felt like I had nothing to offer when the sex was meh and the money was rejected. He was the reason I was sure everyone in my life would get tired of me and decide I wasn’t worth the effort.

But I was still on edge. I still felt like I had nothing else to offer. I was still convinced Geoff was going to get tired of me and decide I wasn’t worth it. Whether any or all of that came from Nathan, it felt real, and it was keeping me awake and keeping my heart pounding with fear that the man sleeping peacefully against me wasn’t going to be there for long.

How do I show you that I’m worth keeping?

Clasping his hand a little tighter, I swallowed.

Am I worth keeping?

*

After a long, sleepless night worrying myself sick over how I would ultimately fuck things up with Geoff, I needed coffee. I needed a quiet morning with Geoff to at least try to reassure myself all that other shit was all in my head. I needed more coffee.

What I didn’t need was a text from the Steelheads’ PR director.

Guess what I got before coffee or my quiet morning with Geoff?

Hey got some press coverage about you, her message read. Need to talk about if/how the club will address it.

Oh that sounded like a good sign. She didn’t keep me guessing about that press coverage, either—I’d just finished reading her texts when some links followed, and below each of them was a preview of the headlines.

Newly Single Gay Steelhead isn’t letting the grass grow—star center spotted on date with new love?

Stop in the name of Love—Is Gay Steelhead Asher Crowe dating much older Seattle police officer?