Puddle Jumping(38)

But we didn’t need to talk. We were communicating just fine.

A lot of girls probably lose their virginity and it’s fast or painful, careless or upsetting.

Mine was not like that.

It was awkward and it did hurt a little. But I was with Colton. He was my first. My only. And it caused me to shake as his head fell to my shoulder and he pressed his lips to my neck.

“Lilly. Lilly.” He just kept repeating it over and over.

I loosened my grip around his waist and I held onto him as he squeezed my side with one hand, using all the strength he had, pinning me to the mattress, making a breathless sound against my neck before it was over.

My shaky fingers touched his face, waiting for him to relax. I was afraid he would freak out. But as he pulled away from my neck, his eyes appeared serene. His fingertips traced over the side of my head and then lower across my ribcage until I could feel them on my hip.

Ever so gently brushing love against my skin.

* * *

Afterward, I just held him, lying on his chest until he fell into a deep sleep. My ear stayed pressed to his sternum, listening as his breathing evened out and heartbeat slowed. Only a few tears escaped when I closed my eyes, caressing his side and across his chest with my fingers.

He’d said he loved me in more ways than one.

I whispered into the darkened room I would miss him more than he would ever understand. That I loved him more than my heart could take.

But I didn’t allow myself to fall asleep. I couldn’t justify wasting that precious time. A while later I heard his mom walk in the front door and I waited to see if she would come up to his room, but she never did. Maybe the silence in the house was enough for her to know things were all right.

With as much as it made me sick to my stomach, I forced myself off his chest and out of his bed. After one last look at his handsome face. Touching his chin with my fingertips. Watching his eyes move behind their lids

I kissed his nose. Once.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I dressed and left his house. Not looking back. I couldn’t handle the thought of sleeping through the night and waking up to him saying goodbye. Or having him change his mind and staying because of me.

He needed to go.

It wasn’t until I got behind the wheel of my car that the seriousness of what was occurring hit me so hard. I’d lost my virginity to the boy I loved. And he was leaving in less than twenty-four hours.

I cried the whole way home, allowing myself to feel what was happening and accepting it for what it was. There was no turning back. It was set in stone and the faster I mourned the loss and moved beyond that pain, the faster I could focus on other things.

* * *

I don’t believe there’s such a thing as conventional love. Love is bending. Love is breaking. Love is constantly learning about the other person until you go crazy because it will never be perfect, but there’s no fault in trying.

I’ve loved a boy who was extraordinary beyond words, in my eyes.

I don’t think I’d ever wanted to live an exceptional life before him. A life filled with color and knowledge and feeling beautiful.

But for a little while, I had it.

I suppose I thought maybe as much as I learned from him, he would have learned something from me, too. It’s not easy. Not in any capacity. But I can’t begin to wish it had never happened. I can’t find it in myself to regret a single second we had together.

What I wanted was for him to see me and want me to be with him. What I wanted was for him to say he loved me – with words – and mean it. I needed these things that were out of my reach, and yet I continued to hold out hope.

And it happened.

He’d always be sweet and kind. He would always be the boy I had fought so hard for. But when there’s separation involved, I couldn’t be sure it would all stay the same. I worried about the change in his routine. That he wouldn’t adapt to his new surroundings. I was thankful he had someone from the museum going with him, but I had to wonder if they knew him like I did. If they were going to take the time and effort to really learn and provide what he needed.

I wondered if he would miss me.

There’s no shame in it, feeling sad and broken hearted over things I can’t change. There’s no magic formula. No time machine to go back. There’s just what we’ve been handed and how we deal with it. I made mistakes when it came to a lot of things.

But no one, anywhere, could say I didn’t give it my absolute best.

When I imagined Colton’s face as he would be boarding his flight with his mentor, my heart broke all over again.

But there was nothing I could do about it. It was out of my hands.

I just wish I had started writing about it earlier while things were fresh in my mind, instead of with hindsight of what was to come. It makes it a little harder to be impartial.

I always wanted it to work out between us, but even if it doesn’t, I guess I can say I’m grateful for the ability to have met someone like Colton, much less been able to love him as much as I do. I just have to keep telling myself that. Every day. All three hundred and sixty-five of them.

This could be where the story ends. And it hurts a million times over to think it could be true. That this is it.

Because, regardless of where my heart is going, my body is still here.

It really is a shame more movies aren’t like real life. Maybe then we wouldn’t have such high expectations and feel let down by our own existence so much.