Protege(89)

“But you were there. You were watching. What was happening in your mind? Everything in you changed the minute he started spanking her.”

“I was thinking about something from a long time ago.”

“What?”

She shrugged, lacking the mental strength to put the recollection into words and accurately depict the emotions tied to the memory. “A boy I used to live with.”

“Boy as in child or a man?”

“Boy. We were young. It was right after my dad was sentenced, maybe a little longer. I can’t quite recall.”

“And what were you remembering?”

She looked down.

“Collette.”

He wanted honesty. “He used to sit on me and make me show him my breasts.”

“Was this the boy that took your virginity?”

She shook her head. “No. This was before then. I don’t think I’d even kissed a boy yet.” She frowned. “I must have been around twelve or thirteen.”

“Did he touch you? Force you?”

Her head shook slowly, her shoulders starting to tense again. It was playing the way she remembered it. Jason never stepped over a line she was uncomfortable crossing. “No. I never minded the attention, and when I was done with the game it was over. He wouldn’t have hurt me.” Of that she was certain, recalling how protective he’d been around his father and the dogs.

“Did something at Damien and Sadie’s trigger that memory?”

She squirmed. “I didn’t like what they were doing. I know that’s judgmental and you asked me to keep an open mind, but I don’t get it.” Her gaze met his, pleading. “Is that what you want? What they do?”

“No,” he said quickly, without inflection. “That’s not what I enjoy. I was showing you to see if it excited you.”

“It didn’t.”

“The rope did.”

She considered the rope again. “Yes. I’ll admit that got me a little excited, but the rest made me feel scared and not in a way that leads to pleasure.”

He nodded. “Okay. We’re not going to do any of that. Maybe some rope play, but only when I feel you’re ready.”

His mouth turned down and he frowned. “Collette, I’m struggling to make sense of you. You’ve asked me to spank you twice; both times have made you cry and I’m positive you took no pleasure from the action, sexual or otherwise. If it isn’t for pleasure, I have a hard time not categorizing it as corporal punishment. I understand your trying to navigate a desire for discipline, but I don’t always see spanking as suitable penance. When you ask for something so much more severe than what I believe you truly deserve, the teachable moment is lost. Until I understand where this desire to have me hit you comes from, I’m not comfortable with doing it anymore.”

Her chest tightened. “But . . . if I do something wrong, I need it. I need you to do it.”

“Why?” He seemed truly concerned with this.

“I don’t know why. I only know that when you do that I like it, not in a pleasant way, but in a cleansing way. I don’t enjoy it and it hurts like hell, but afterward I can . . . forgive myself. I’ll do anything for you, Jude. Even if you wanted to do something we saw tonight—”

“Stop. I’d never make you do something that makes you feel scared.”

“But the spankings can’t go away.”

“For now they do.”

Her breath came quick, a new sort of panic constricting her chest. “No.”

“Collette,” he snapped, warning thick in his voice. “That word has crossed your lips twice tonight and that’s more than enough. Take a moment and breathe before you lose yourself and upset me.”

But she couldn’t breathe. What if she did something wrong? She’d dwell and get consumed by the guilt. If she didn’t make amends he might ask her to leave. “But that’s the only way to end it.”

“Nothing’s ending.”

“I mean the guilt, the fear. It eats at me and I don’t know how to quiet it. When you spank me I feel . . . free of everything evil.”

He frowned, concern creasing his brow. “Sweetheart, there is nothing evil inside you.”

“You don’t understand.” She was losing ground. The more she sensed him pulling back, the harder it was to express thoughts. “It’s an outlet and you’re the only person who has ever offered it to me. Please don’t take it away.” She began to cry. “Please don’t make me go.”

“Hey, no one’s going anywhere. We’re just talking. Come here.” He pulled out his chair and she went to him, kneeling and resting her face on his thigh as he softly caressed her hair. “How long were you with that family?”

Her head lowered as she realized this was part of surrendering, submitting to him and trusting him to handle the truth. So long as she feared he’d turn out like everyone else, she was cheating them both.

“A few months.” Digging deep for courage, she whispered, “We got into some trouble, trespassing on the neighbor’s farm, being kids. But we damaged the neighbor’s property and stole fruit from his land. When we were caught, Jason’s father spanked him with a belt and just like that, he was forgiven.”