Protege(75)

It is real. Swallowing, he stood and brushed a finger down her face. Despite her obvious desire to hate him, she leaned into the caress and shut her eyes.

“You’re a beautiful woman, Collette, and I feel very lucky to have had the privilege of taking you this far, but I can’t be the Dom you need. I can’t give you the permanence you seek or reciprocate the emotion you feel.”

“Why?”

He stared into her eyes, weighing his possible responses and deciding she deserved the truth. “Because I gave everything I had to someone once and it still wasn’t enough. I promised to be everything she needed and I couldn’t fulfill that vow. That’s why I’ve been honest from the start with you about my limits. We’ll find you a partner, but it’s not me.”

“Then continue to be my teacher. I’ve changed my mind. Don’t make me leave. Please.” She clung to him as panic set into her eyes.

“Shh . . .” He kissed her lips and pressed his head to hers. “You’re so much more than paper, peach. But this is for the best. It’s natural to get attached. Sometimes we read more into that attachment than there actually is. Brys is a good man—”

She drew back. “I don’t want Brys.”

He stilled, not expecting such a response. She said she’d enjoyed the other night, not to mention she’d thrown Brys’s name in his face this morning. “Yes, Brys. My decision was based on your suggestion. I’ve arranged for him to pick you up here tonight. Keep in mind this is only a temporary situation.”

Her breathing turned agitated. She faced the vanity and shifted some items around as if they needed organizing. He frowned. “Collette, tell me what you’re thinking. Talk to me. And be honest this time.”

Her hands stilled as her head lowered. “I don’t want to go to Brys.”

“But I thought you felt a connection with him.”

“No.” Her head shook.

“Ezra?”

Her head shook again.

“I don’t understand.”

“I was mad at you. You let her touch you and . . . it made me angry.”

“You were jealous of Lea?” It didn’t need saying that while Lea serviced him, Collette was servicing Lea’s husband.

“Not jealous . . . I don’t know what to call it. You spoke to her differently.”

“Because Lea enjoys that. You don’t.”

“And you knew that. It was out of character for you and it freaked me out. Made me realize how quickly you can switch roles to simply accommodate a random lover. All of you seem to have this ability to be someone else.”

“All of us?”

Her face tightened with tension. “In the hall, before we came to you, Lea changed. She wasn’t sweet and giggly like she usually is. Then she was hard and cold and . . . well, mean.”

“She was mean to you?” That was unacceptable.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought so, but then I saw the way you were with her and the things you called her. When she said those words to me, they felt shameful, sounded cruel, but when you said them to her, she responded and they seemed . . . sexual, like a term of endearment.”

“Sweetheart, Lea’s a switch. They’ve been waiting a very long time for their third, a female submissive for her to dominate.”

“But she’s submissive to Ezra.”

He nodded. “It’s confusing, because everyone has their own unique tastes, but I assure you, the way I spoke to Lea, it wasn’t to be cruel or disrespectful or even intimate. I called her a slut because she likes being called that. If she referred to you as a slut, she wasn’t trying to offend you. On the contrary, she was trying to compliment you. When she realized you wouldn’t respond to the word the way she does, she probably felt terrible. She can be hard, but she’s actually a very tenderhearted woman.”

She studied him for a long moment. “You’ve had sex with her?”

He didn’t hesitate to be honest. “Yes.”

She glanced away. He’d be lying if he said her show of jealousy didn’t satisfy him on some level.

“You’ll get the hang of this. You’re a very smart woman and I have no doubt you belong here.”

Her eyes, glassy with more unshed tears, turned on him. “But not here.”

Sadly, he shook his head. “No, sweetheart, not here.”

After a long moment, she whispered, “How do you shut it off?”

“What?”

“Your emotions. How do you stop yourself from getting attached?”

I don’t. “I just do.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how to shut it off. I don’t know how to take myself out of the experience.” Her breathing again turned jagged. “Please don’t make me go to Brys, Jude. Please. I’ll go to someone else, someone I don’t know, but not him.”

Her upset concerned him. It seemed totally out of proportion to what he’d witnessed of her and Brys’s encounters. “Shh . . .” He pulled her into his arms and lifted her so he could sit and hold her on his lap. “Okay. We’ll find someone else, but tell me why.”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. There’s a reason in there somewhere. Think. What is it about him that makes you uneasy?”