Protecting Her(84)

I give him a moment, then ask, “Do you love her?”

He opens his eyes and looks at me. “Of course I love her. She’s my wife. The mother of my children.”

“Then why are you obsessing about her past?”

“Because I need to know. I need you to tell me, Pearce. I know you know the truth. So tell me. Was she an associate?”

Our meals arrive and the waiter asks, “Can I get you both another drink?”

“Yes,” we say at the same time. The waiter goes to get them.

“Pearce, tell me. I need to know.”

I set my napkin on my lap. “You don’t need to know. You and Shelby have a beautiful family. A happy marriage. Why would you want to ruin that?”

He sighs. “So she was an associate. Tell me how long.”

“I’m not comfortable talking about this. I’m sorry, Logan, but I can’t.”

“How did she get out? I heard they’re in for life. So how did she get out?”

I ignore his questions and begin eating my meal. If I’d known this is what we were going to discuss, I wouldn’t have shown up. I was hoping he’d never find out about Shelby, and now that he knows, I don’t know why he’s asking me about this. Why would he want to know this about his wife? It’s over. It doesn’t matter now.

If Shelby found out that Logan knew the truth about her past, she’d be devastated. And ashamed. She’d think Logan would forevermore see her as a whore and not the woman he loves.

I’m angry at him for asking about this. More angry than I should be. Then I realize it’s because my situation is so similar to Shelby’s. Living this secret life. Feeling ashamed. Not wanting the person I love to know the truth.

Years ago, I wanted Rachel to know the truth about me, but I don’t anymore. I’m not that man. The one who does bad things. The one who arranges murders. Covers them up. So I don’t want her knowing. I don’t want her thinking that’s me when it’s not. Being with Rachel the past twelve years, I’ve become a new man. A loving husband. A caring father. Rachel helped create that man, and that’s the only man I want her to know.

The same is true for Shelby. She doesn’t want Logan to know her for what she’s done in the past. Things they forced her to do.

Don’t define yourself by what they make you do. Those were Jack’s words and I live by them. They help me get through the bad days. The days when I feel like the bad side is taking over. The days when I feel horrendous guilt for what I’ve done and for the lies I’ve told my wife. When I have those days, I repeat Jack’s words in my head. Then I go home and hug Rachel and Garret, and I’m back to being the other me. The good father and the good husband, who doesn’t do bad things.

I don’t want Logan defining Shelby by the things she’s done. I don’t want him seeing her as an associate. She only did it because she was desperate to help her father. She shouldn’t be punished for that.

“Are you going to divorce her?” I ask bluntly.

Logan’s eyes shoot up to mine. “No! Of course not.”

“Then stop asking questions. Surely, you’ve been taught the rules by now. Rule number one?”

“Don’t ask questions. Yes, I know the rule.”

“Then follow it. Stop asking questions. If you love Shelby and you love your family, then you’ll forget you ever knew this. Shelby is not that girl anymore. She never was. She was just trying to help her family and didn’t realize what she was getting herself caught up in.”

“I just wondered why she—”

“Logan, stop it. I mean it. You have to forget about this. You have to wipe it from your brain and pretend you never knew about this. If you don’t, you’ll look at Shelby differently and she’ll know that you know. And I guarantee that will hurt her more than if you stabbed her with a knife. She’ll never get over it. She loves you, and she doesn’t want you thinking about her that way. She won’t be able to live with the fact that you know. She’ll never be happy again. Is that what you want?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Then let it go. Find a way to put it out of your mind for good. She is not that girl. She is your wife and the mother of your children. That’s it.”

He nods, his eyes on the table. “I feel sick that she had to suffer through that.” He shakes his head. “If I’d known, I would’ve done anything to get her out of it. I would’ve given her the money for her father. I would’ve—”