Protecting Her(3)

A tight knot forms in my stomach. I don’t think I can do this. I can’t take care of an infant by myself.

Rachel lifts the baby up to her face and kisses his cheek. “I guess you have to go. Mommy will be home soon. Your daddy will take good care of you. I love you, sweetie.” She kisses him again, leaving her lips on his forehead as she closes her eyes and breathes him in. She always tells me she loves the smell of a baby’s head. I don’t get it. It doesn’t smell like anything to me.

Rachel opens her eyes and hands him to the nurse. She puts him in his bassinet and wheels him out of the room.

“Did you talk to the doctor?” Rachel asks, a serious look on her face.

“Yes. She said you should be able to go home in a couple days.”

“Not about that.” She glances down at the bed. “About us having more children.”

I hesitate, not ready to have this conversation. It’s not the right time. We’re both happy after just being with our baby and I don’t want to bring the mood down by talking about this. I’m concerned that Rachel will want more children despite the risks, and I don’t want to fight about it. Because it’s going to be a fight. I’m not going to risk losing her again.

“Pearce, I’m going to have my tubes tied.”

I hold her hand. “When did you decide this?”

“After the doctor told me what happened in the delivery room. Then she told me the risks of having another child, and I can’t do it. I’m a mother and a wife. I can’t risk something happening to me. I need to be here for you and Garret.”

I pull her into my arms. “I’m sorry, Rachel. I know this isn’t what you want. But it’s too dangerous for you to do this again. When I almost lost you, I—” My voice cracks and I take a breath. “I can’t lose you.”

“I know.” She gently pushes me back and puts her hand on my cheek, her eyes on mine. “I won’t do that to you. Or to me. I don’t need to. I have you and I have Garret and that’s more than enough. I love you both so much.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.” I kiss her forehead, then sit back. “I don’t want you going through more surgery. I’ll get a vasectomy.”

“No. I don’t want…” She holds my hand and looks down at it.

“What is it, Rachel?”

“I don’t want you getting a vasectomy, in case…” She looks up at me. “In case something ever happens to me.”

Panic surges inside me, coursing through my veins. Why would she say that? Why would she even think it? Nothing is going to happen to her. I tell myself that every day so I can get through the guilt I feel for bringing her into my life. Into the darkness that is Dunamis. Despite my involvement with them, Rachel will be safe. She’ll always be safe. Nothing bad will happen to her. I have to believe that and I need her to believe it as well.

Rachel’s referring to something else that would take her away from me. A car accident. An illness. But I still don’t want to hear it. Nothing bad will happen to her. That’s all I choose to believe.

“Do not talk that way,” I say firmly. “I would never let anything happen to you.”

“I’m just being realistic,” she says, softly rubbing my hand. “I never thought my parents would die so suddenly, but then they did. Accidents happen.”

I keep my head down, my eyes on our hands. “Yes, well, they’re not happening to you.”

She lifts my chin up, forcing our gazes to meet. “But if something did happen, I would want you to find love again. And be able to have more children.”

“No.” I quickly back away and get up off the bed, angry that she would even suggest that. “Absolutely not. I would not marry someone else and I would not have more children. Stop talking about this. We’re not having this conversation.”

“Pearce.” She reaches for me. “Come sit down.”

“Rachel, we’re done. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Fine. But please come over here.”

I sigh and sit back down beside her.

She takes my hand again. “So could you bring the baby by tomorrow morning?”

“Yes. Of course.”

She smiles. “You’re going to be such a great dad. You can take him to baseball games and teach him how to throw a football and give him advice about girls.”