Precious Consequences(59)

There’s a tentative knock on my door, just as I zip the back of my black pencil dress.

“Come in.” I call out. I stare at myself in the mirror, noting the dark circles under my eyes and the way my cheekbones are slightly more protruding now. The black dress hangs loosely, instead of hugging my curves like it used to. The girl in front of me a stranger, and an idiot. But that’s the thing about love. It sneaks up on you, and you only realize it after the damage has been done. Yet, I wonder if it’s even possible to fall so irrevocably in love with another human being in such a short amount of time. It sounds ridiculous, but I can’t deny that it’s a definite possibility in my case. It’s like Cameron had a direct line to my heart, my thoughts, my body and oddly enough, my daughter, too. I think that’s what makes it hurt so much more, his willingness to be not only with me, but with Ari too. And I know she knows he’s not here anymore, with me, because she asks about him everyday. “Where’s Cam, mommy?” she’ll ask me, and I’ll rip myself apart coming up with another lie, just to pacify her, reassure her that she hasn’t done anything wrong. Neither of us has, really. I guess it just happened.

The door opens and my grandmother appears in the mirror. Ari jumps from her place in my grandmother's arms and comes straight to me. “Are you ready?” My grandmother asks, watching me with her all-knowing eyes. “Hannah’s here.”

“Thanks, Gama. I’ll be down in a minute.”

She nods, and leaves Ari and me alone. I pick her up and hold her to me, feeling unprepared and shaky. I want to take her with me, but a memorial service is no place for a toddler. I reconsidered going, just to avoid having to see Cameron, but after speaking to Candice and Hannah this week, I decided I wouldn’t be going for him. I’d be going as a show of support to his mother, and his sister, who have both become very dear to me. Admittedly, that was reason enough to go.

“You excited to see Macy?” I ask Ari. Taylor is looking after her, and I’m glad having Macy to play with will distract her. She looks up to meet my gaze and touches her hand to my cheek. I love it when she does that. We stand there for what feels like an eternity, just staring at each other, having a silent conversation that daughters seem to have with their mother. Everything will be okay, mommy, I imagine her saying, and I’d say, how can you be so sure, to which she would reply, because we can get through anything, as long as we have each other…

“Yes,” she replies quietly. She tucks her head into my neck and starts humming ‘You are my sunshine’ as I make my way downstairs to where Hannah is waiting. Ari is uncharacteristically quiet, and I worry that my mood over the last few days is starting to wear her little heart down. All the more reason to stand up, and keep movin’ on, I tell myself silently. After I make it through today, that’s exactly what I plan on doing. My life will go back to the way it was before Cameron, it’s that simple. Or that’s what I tell myself.

“Hey Hayls,” Hannah says, giving both Ari and me a hug. She looks tired and as ready as I am to get this day over with. “You almost ready? I need to be there a little earlier to help Cam - ” Her words stop abruptly and her eyes grow sympathetic.

“It’s okay to say his name, Hannah.” No it’s not. It hurts. “I’m ready, let me just grab my purse and my coat.”

I say goodbye to my grandmother and Ari, hesitating slightly when I have to let her go. The drive to the church is quiet, and Hannah doesn’t force a conversation, so I don’t either. When we arrive, Hannah is dragged away to tend to some arbitrary detail about the catering for after the service, so I take a seat in one of the middle rows. I stare ahead, catching sight of the blown up photo of Cameron’s father. He’s smiling, and I can see where Cameron gets his roguishly good looks from. I’m willing to bet his father was just as charming and free-spirited as Cameron. A light tap on my shoulder startles me and I spin around, finding Cameron’s mother standing next to me. I jump up and before giving it a second thought I wrap my arms around her in a gentle embrace. “Thank you for coming, Hayley,” she whispers, her voice cracking.

“Of course,” I tell her. She smiles weakly at me before telling me she’d better go find Candice. Eventually everyone is seated, and as soon as the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand up, I know Cameron is close. I turn around to find him, and when I do, it feels like the earth has dropped from beneath my feet and my lungs wrung out until I can’t breathe. He’s not alone. Rachel has one of her arms around his and she’s leaning against him. Her eyes are the first to find me and she gives me a wicked grin before putting her mask back into place. Cameron’s eyes find me next, but for the first time since we met, they’re unreadable pools of black, empty, hollow, and void of any emotion. His face is gaunt and he hasn’t shaved in days, his face covered in a darker stubble. It’s odd, because he looks hung over. Classy, I think to myself. Show up to your father's memorial service not only hung over but with a hooker on your arm, too. I’m about to laugh at my own joke when Hannah’s voice stops me.

“Hayley, sorry I left you alone…” she comes up to my side and sees Rachel and Cameron, effectively interrupting whatever she was going to say. Instead, “What the f*ck?” flies out ore her mouth.

“Hannah!” I chide. “We’re in a church, and at a memorial service!”